Welcome to Box Score Banter, your daily dose of the previous day’s games, with a preview of what’s to come. All season stats are through yesterday’s games.
System Failure
Marlins 6, Phillies 5
| IP | H | R | BB | K | |
| David Robertson | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 3 |
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You have answered [It’s like waiting for a bus and when it gets here it explodes]
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You have answered [No]
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What has made you [frustrated] about the 2022 MLB season? Please select any of the following:
- Not enough gambling
- Player walk-up songs take too long and are too loud
- Rob Manfred not available enough for autographs
- No gambling devices installed in stadium seating
- Players’ uniforms distractingly free of corporate logos
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You have answered [David Robertson is gassed, Bryce Harper is stapled together by the trainer every night before he walks out of the tunnel, they lost Zack Wheeler on Alcatraz and they’re just not telling us, Aaron Nola is surging with chaos energy, Ranger Suarez no longer functions beyond the fourth inning, and Rhys Hoskins whiffed a play at first that cost the Phillies the game against the Marlins who came back and won in the ninth to continue this team’s incompetence in closing out series finales and every time I look in the mirror my reflection is crying blood. Everything was going so well, too. My neighbor with a Flyers license plate had just stopped purposefully slamming his hand in the car door every morning. But now it’s all over. I mean yeah, they’re technically still in a playoff spot, but that just gives them something to lose. And they think the answer is what?! Zach Eflin coming back??! How’s he gonna help?? Is he gonna throw a full can of soup at Angel Hernandez?!? God, I am gonna put so much feces in the mail.]
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Other Notable Showings
Gold: Corbin Burnes (8 IP, 3 H, 1 ER, 0 BB, 14 K)
While the Phillies were blowing it at home, the Brewers started to creep up on them in the Wild Card standings by taking both games of a doubleheader from the spiraling Giants. Burnes pitched the first one and gave Milwaukee exactly the kind of start they need from a staff that has been a strength, albeit one not as threatening as last year.
Silver: Yoán Moncada (5-6, 3 R, 5 RBI, 2 HR)
Moncada had hit two home runs before the third inning of Chicago’s game against the A’s. And White Sox history changed forever.
Bronze: The Phillies Day Care
For what it’s worth, Bryson Stott fired three base hits back at Miami, knocking in a run. With Alec Bohm’s extra base knocks off Sandy Alcantara and Nick Maton’s clutch homer, this one looked like it had a chance to be a success story written by the Phillies Day Care (and Rhys Hoskins’ three-hit game).
What’s Next
Friday, September 9
CIN (LHP Nick Lodolo) @ MIL (RHP Jason Alexander)
MLB’s September stretch is a lot like a murder mystery. There’s killers, victims, twists, frame jobs, liars, and in the Reds’ case, another dead body. It almost feels like the Brewers have stepped into the party, to try and survive the night in a room full of the aforementioned. Sorry, I just watched the teaser for Glass Onion.
ATL (RHP Charlie Morton) @ SEA (LHP Robbie Ray)
Two protagonists circling each other, knowing their lives are on the line, unsure of where to place their trust? World… Series… preview…?
LAD (RHP Dustin May) @ SDP (RHP Mike Clevinger)
Don’t forget the Padres are wrapped up in the mess too, even if they aren’t playing like it. They’re the quiet help, dishes rattling in their hands, their role diminishing with every scene. The Dodgers are the gun.
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