Image credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to Box Score Banter, your daily dose of the previous day’s games, with a preview of what’s to come. All season stats are through yesterday’s games.

System Failure

Marlins 6, Phillies 5

David Robertson 1 2 2 1 3

Thank you for volunteering to offer your thoughts on the future of baseball. This survey should take very little of your time. 

We value your honest and straightforward feedback on MLB’s business and product leadership. This is your chance to communicate directly to those in charge of Major League Baseball, without having to yell at a passing car with tinted windows, or if you’re a Phillies fan, sending your feces through the mail.

To begin, please answer the question below.

In what year were you born?

You have answered [any year after 1995]

Our system is experiencing a catastrophic error. Baseball may not be for you. Have you considered Youtube?

Please tell us your current ZIP / postal code.*

You have answered [19148]

You also typed very aggressively, as though each key were a personal enemy. Are you a Phillies fan?

You have answered [Yes]

Which of the following best describes how you feel about baseball?*

You have answered [It’s like waiting for a bus and when it gets here it explodes]

Are you enjoying the 2022 season more, less, or the same as previous seasons?*

You have answered [No]

This is not a valid response. You may elaborate by speaking into your device’s microphone now.

Our system indicates that you are [frustrated]

Is that correct?

Our system indicates that you are [sarcastic and profane]

Is that correct?

Let’s move on.

What has made you [frustrated] about the 2022 MLB season? Please select any of the following:

  • Not enough gambling
  • Player walk-up songs take too long and are too loud
  • Rob Manfred not available enough for autographs
  • No gambling devices installed in stadium seating
  • Players’ uniforms distractingly free of corporate logos
  • Worried players may at any point experience joy
  • A man with a trumpet broke the Mets
  • The players stand too close together too much of the time 
  • What if a woman 
  • Gambling isn’t automatically done for me by an automated system prior to every play. By selecting or not selecting this response I am consenting to my bank account being synced with MLB’s artificial gambling intelligence.

You have selected [No response]

Please elaborate on your [frustration] by speaking into your device’s microphone.

You have answered [David Robertson is gassed, Bryce Harper is stapled together by the trainer every night before he walks out of the tunnel, they lost Zack Wheeler on Alcatraz and they’re just not telling us, Aaron Nola is surging with chaos energy, Ranger Suarez no longer functions beyond the fourth inning, and Rhys Hoskins whiffed a play at first that cost the Phillies the game against the Marlins who came back and won in the ninth to continue this team’s incompetence in closing out series finales and every time I look in the mirror my reflection is crying blood. Everything was going so well, too. My neighbor with a Flyers license plate had just stopped purposefully slamming his hand in the car door every morning. But now it’s all over. I mean yeah, they’re technically still in a playoff spot, but that just gives them something to lose. And they think the answer is what?! Zach Eflin coming back??! How’s he gonna help?? Is he gonna throw a full can of soup at Angel Hernandez?!? God, I am gonna put so much feces in the mail.]

We have concluded the survey due to [reasons]

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Welcome to PETE, MLB’s artificial gambling intelligence! Please play responsibly. To stop receiving hourly reports on Vegas odds, submit a request through your local congressman. 

Other Notable Showings

Gold: Corbin Burnes (8 IP, 3 H, 1 ER, 0 BB, 14 K)
While the Phillies were blowing it at home, the Brewers started to creep up on them in the Wild Card standings by taking both games of a doubleheader from the spiraling Giants. Burnes pitched the first one and gave Milwaukee exactly the kind of start they need from a staff that has been a strength, albeit one not as threatening as last year. 

Silver: Yoán Moncada (5-6, 3 R, 5 RBI, 2 HR)
Moncada had hit two home runs before the third inning of Chicago’s game against the A’s. And White Sox history changed forever.  

Bronze: The Phillies Day Care
For what it’s worth, Bryson Stott fired three base hits back at Miami, knocking in a run. With Alec Bohm’s extra base knocks off Sandy Alcantara and Nick Maton’s clutch homer, this one looked like it had a chance to be a success story written by the Phillies Day Care (and Rhys Hoskins’ three-hit game). 

What’s Next

Friday, September 9

CIN (LHP Nick Lodolo) @ MIL (RHP Jason Alexander)
MLB’s September stretch is a lot like a murder mystery. There’s killers, victims, twists, frame jobs, liars, and in the Reds’ case, another dead body. It almost feels like the Brewers have stepped into the party, to try and survive the night in a room full of the aforementioned. Sorry, I just watched the teaser for Glass Onion. 

ATL (RHP Charlie Morton) @ SEA (LHP Robbie Ray)
Two protagonists circling each other, knowing their lives are on the line, unsure of where to place their trust? World… Series… preview…?

LAD (RHP Dustin May) @ SDP (RHP Mike Clevinger)
Don’t forget the Padres are wrapped up in the mess too, even if they aren’t playing like it. They’re the quiet help, dishes rattling in their hands, their role diminishing with every scene. The Dodgers are the gun. 

Thank you for reading

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