For the first time in Mocking the Draft history we’re supplementing our first-round coverage with some additional an-[holds finger to ear] they’re telling me I can’t call this analysis. Let’s say “coverage,” then. Perhaps it’s because the top 200 names we had to choose from weren’t all that great this year. Perhaps it’s because the name Zane Zurbrugg appeared in our timelines and has been burning a hole in our brains ever since. We’ll never really know. Anyway, this is a list of a bunch of names we thought were kinda cool or kinda funny or just read like they embodied something. We made comments on some of them. Enjoy. –Ben Carsley & Craig Goldstein
You can tell me your brain didn’t autocorrect this to Jim from The Office’s real name but I won’t believe you.
Orange you glad this isn’t another Trystyn.
When you can’t remember the “apple-bottom jeans” lyric.
He should have a pretty interesting career arc.
The critics love him.
Tired of these crossfit guys.
Whichever sports team is good at that moment.
As if the obsession over sign-stealing wasn’t bad enough.
“Cluff” is the inverse of “chuff.” When you have a crap day because someone ruined your hat, you’re absolutely cluffed about it.
George R.R. Martin doesn’t have ‘em.
2014 Carsley’s favorite baseball player. -CG
Most accessible player, maybe. – BC
We stan a king. – CG
Strong disagree. This name sucks. – BC
We’re overwhelmed with choice. An English trust fund baby who falsely claims to have invented the Henley. A Southern woman of high society who not to be trifled with – on the polo grounds or the boardroom. A Northeastern, monied frat bro whose greatest contribution to any discussion is a haughty scoff.
Would watch every one of the 8 movies based on this action hero.
<<< Dominic P’zone
I complain about double first-namers but this is ridiculous. -CG
I would like to fight him, I’m pretty sure. – BC
Doesn’t matter which one. Just pick a brand. La Perla, Hanky Panky, Calvin Klein, DKNY, Bali. Pick a new one every time, it really doesn’t matter.
‘80s wrestler whose tagline was Rott’n to the Core.
One of the guys in this image
Big Pat Benatar fan.
When the potato is a communist.
Blessedly is a pitcher. -CG
Born to be an Oriole. -BC
Heir to Val Pascucci for most New York/Italian name in baseball.
Something something Begueing the question
Romance novel-ass name.
Better romance novel-ass name.
Literally the plot of The Fugitive. -BC
Also the headline when Monte gets promoted. -CG
Do not go gentle into that good draft.
“Say. the whole. word.”
We were this close to having a Jew and a Priest in the same round, which would have been the start of a pretty good joke.
Well, not with that attitude.
Your girlfriend took a body shot off of him in Cancun when she was a junior in college. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Threatens to sue if you bat flip him.
Elliot from Scubs’ favorite player.
Plays a weird mix of Scottish folk and house music. Sometimes it works. More often it doesn’t.
Another one of Andy Bernard’s fake-ass names.
Assistant professor in Hufflepuff-ass name.
Now this is a legend we stan. -BC
Thanks, I hate it. -CG
Excited for any headline combining home run slang terms and a last name possessive here.
When you want to be listed ahead of the national tax chain in the Yellow Pages.
~*was not my lover.*~
…actually called “The Netherlands.”
Editor-in-chief of Jezebel I’m p sure.
YaSenka, you dead, mon?
Lost to Kacey Musgraves for country album of the year.
Corn’s badass, risk-taking cousin.
Look it’s nothing special but this is a lot of name to be majority vowels.
An NPC at The Tower in Destiny 2. Backstory is never explained. Just gives you Glimmer.
Just tickle his underbelly if he pinches you.
A soap opera villain I’m actually rooting for somehow?
So are we gonna get a Yorvir Torrealba in a few years too?
So, like, Eugene O’Neill?*
The star of Dodgeball: The Reboot in 2036.
I didn’t really care for Tucker Max the first time around.
Trent Tingles Tad, reads a headline from the Romney family newsletter.
“Ben Persons” I say, as I’m mauled by the crowd.
Fineas De Bonta-Smith
Gerritt van Zijill
Am I having a stroke?
Not ready enough to finish that first name I guess.
The perfect draft pick for Cincinnati.
Deputy Editor at The Atlantic.
Belated off-season headline in Philadelphia.
Well ask him to not be so rude.
Rafael Xavier Pelletier
Call me he graduates to Album Reese.
Thirteenth century religious scholar who was tragically executed for his opinion “idk, lefties don’t seem that bad to me?”
The one person who properly appreciates Mike Trout.
Ueckert and Zurbrugg are the lead characters in a future-set militaristic adventure video game that generates waves at E3 and never gets finished due to a reliance on an over-aggressive development schedule and not enough money.
A 21-year-old Princeton sophomore who Fox News brings on to complain about safe spaces. Then files a lawsuit when he turns into a meme.
Actually, a pretty good-ass name. Would rock his shirsey.
San Pellegrino’s $400 entry into the water filter game.
I don’t know how to say this first name. I’ve tried. It mostly comes out like “brailn” and…that…that can’t be right. I’ve also seen it listed as Brelyn which, wrong as it is feels more right. But Draft Tracker says “Breyln” and I just don’t know anymore.
Polling better than Jim Delaney on name alone, and he’s not even running.
Will be singing a very different tune depending on if he ends up an Oriole or a Cardinal.
When you’ve loaded up on Levi Stoudts.
Three-time Pulitzer Prize winner who absolutely uses the cliche journo Twitter avi default pose. – BC
British MP most famous for spilling a milkshake on himself and then claiming he was attacked. -CG
I got nothing. Just an incredible approach to spelling Ernie.
His last name means dead animal so definitely an Oriole.
PICK A PROFESSION AND STICK WITH IT, my god.
Sounds like a Night’s Watch Ranger who got four paragraphs of meaningless background before dying of dysentery in A Clash of Kings.
When Davies has a bad outing.
Wasn’t this the LARP name from Role Models?
Deforestation is a serious issue.
Is … is his middle name also Cameron?
Good for Sam.
The location when your pal from Boston hosts a dinner party.
YOU: Oh, so you work at Macy’s?
YOUR OBNOXIOUS COUSIN: Actually, I’m a …
AJ Burnett was surly, sure but this seems a little much as far as nicknames go.
When you’re binge drinking before your Spanish final and someone asks you how many beers you’ve crushed.
What Jeremy Jamm would try to name his son.
“What the f*ck, Jacob?” – Ubise
For when you get too high to make it to Popeye’s on time.
When Scooby Doo wins big at the casino.
*Yes, I know, it was a Sheraton
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