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Previous Name Mock Drafts

Once you reach your sixth installment of something, you don’t have to write an intro anymore. Thems the rules.

We will provide the general disclaimer, though: Per usual, we’re confining ourselves to MLB Pipeline’s list of top 200 draft prospects for the purposes of this exercise. That means that even if there was a player named, like, Enya Walletchange who wasn’t covered there within, he wouldn’t be eligible.* As always, to say there’s an element of subjectivity involved in picking these names would be incorrect: picking them is completely subjective. That being said, if you disagree with us, you’re wrong. Enjoy!

1) Detroit Tigers: Markevian Hence, RHP, Watson Chapel (AR)

Leave it to an editor to pick a type of word to go number one overall. I can see it now … “no, you shouldn’t be using ‘thus’ here, it should be a Markevian ‘Hence.’” There’s something about the inclusion of an actual but not oft-used word in a name that elevates it. Add in “Markevian,” which gives it the feel of a particular movement in a bygone era of history, and there’s that much more flavor to it. Hopefully in a few decades us grammar pedants will be arguing over the Markevian Hence as much as we do the Oxford comma. – CG

2) Baltimore Orioles: Dillon Dingler, C, Ohio State

The sexy thing to say is that you can never draft for need, but out here in the real world, position scarcity matters. These days, every third prospect today is named Tristan or Hunter or Tanner. They all sound like junior hedge fund managers, backwoods archery enthusiasts, or some ungodly combination of the two. I know I can get plenty of those archetypes later in the draft. You know what I can’t get? A name as breathtaking in its simplicity as Dillon Dingler. When you say the name “Dillon Dingler,” you see Joe Dirt’s face. It sounds like an insult you’d hurl at someone in the second grade before you learn all the good swear words. In my head cannon, this is the name of the guy from The Onion’s The Worst Person You Know article. Dillon Dingler is a stupid name, yes, but this is an incredibly a stupid time to be alive, and the Orioles have decayed into a stupid team. That makes this pick a great all around fit. – BC

3) Miami Marlins: Tanner Burns, RHP, Auburn

Conventional wisdom would tell you it’s burns that tan, but perhaps there’s been some sort of chemical mishap down at the plant. Either way, Miami is the perfect place. (And don’t sleep on the fact this beautiful name went to Auburn). – CG

4) Kansas City Royals: Milan Tolentino, SS, Santa Margarita HS (CA)

Do we think maybe he’s Italian? Tough to say, really. Milan Tolentino sounds like he was the third-most important henchman in Phil Leotardo’s crew, ultimately clipped by Paulie over a parking lot dispute. Sounds like a brand of $86 “luxury watch” you get ads for on Instagram every day now just because ONE TIME you looked up the cost of a Breitling while drunk. Stick a label that says “Milan Tolentino” over a bottle of Mark West Pinot Noir and you can sell it to schmucks for $35. Good luck to him in Kansas City. – BC

5) Toronto Blue Jays: Gino Groover, 2B, Walker (GA) 

The strength of this draft is definitely “guys who might also be musicians” and Groover represents the top of the class. I saw Gino Groover open up for the Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose back in ‘72, and he blew the doors off the place. He now hosts a three-hour block on SiriusXM 70s on 7. – CG

6) Seattle Mariners: Emerson Hancock, RHP, Georgia

If we were going with pure organizational fit then Kyle Hurt would be the pick here, but based on name value, we’ve gotta go Emerson Hancock. Is he named for the signature of a famous transcendentalist? For a particularly liberal part of Boston? For one parent’s love of progressive rock and another’s love of IRAs? I’m not sure; I just know he’s a good get here. – BC

7) Pittsburgh Pirates: Burl Carraway, LHP, Dallas Baptist

If he were a musician: Toured with Willie Nelson in his heyday and then dropped off the map. He’s relevant in pop culture again via a duet with Chris Stapleton at the CMAs. 

Otherwise: A 1940s actor who never quite cut it as a leading man despite two films opposite Greta Garbo. – CG

8) San Diego Padres: Dax Fulton, LHP, Mustang HS (OK) 

This is a versatile name that needs to be matched with a hairstyle to fully understand. A man named Dax Fulton with long, flowing locks is a semi-professional surfer who is somehow also a libertarian and who wears puka shells “ironically.” A Dax Fulton with a high-and-tight is a recent grad and former college fraternity vice president who never shuts up about his entry-level job at PWC. A Dax Fulton with a buzz cut is the third most successful salesman at a Tennessee Chevy dealer that specializes in lifted trucks. When you’re named Dax Fulton, the possibilities are limitless yet finite all at the same time. – BC

9) Colorado Rockies: Cade Cavalli, RHP, Oklahoma

If he were a musician: Creed cover band lead singer.

Otherwise: A third-tier soaps actor who gets cast in a season of The Bachelor, launching a successful career as an Instagram influencer who posts generic inspirational quotes. – CG

10) Los Angeles Angels: Landon Knack, RHP, East Tennessee State – BC

A name from back when MEN could be MEN. When Tony Soprano asks “whatever happened to the Gary Cooper type,” what he really means is “why can’t we be more like Landon Knack?” This is a strong, brawny name that smells like campfire, sweat, and smoked meats. Landon Knack drinks his coffee black, his rye whiskey neat, and Lone Star tallboys straight from the can. He’s gonna H A T E L.A. – BC

11) Chicago White Sox: Hudson Haskin, OF, Tulane

If he were a musician: one-hit wonder singer-songwriter in the vein of Howie Day.

Otherwise: Hudson Haskin is the main character of a well-worn Charles Portis novel you found perusing a second-hand bookstore, which is useful because the price of that book is also what Jerry Reinsdorf is willing to spend on the draft. – CG

12) Cincinnati Reds: Enrique Bradfield, OF, American Heritage HS (FL)

Enrique Bradfield is not a composed moniker that one chooses to answer to for the remainder of one’s life. Enrique Bradfield is the name you give to a cop when you’re being a smart-ass who just got busted for drinking at 19. It’s the type of nom de guerre Trevor Bauer would use to sign up for a burner OnlyFans account after typing in “Trevor Hauver” and thinking “no, that’s a bit too on the nose.” It’s a Ron Mexico-ass name, and that makes it a solid value outside of the top-10. – BC

13) San Francisco Giants: Beck Way, RHP, Northwest Florida State JC

If he were a musician: Rhythm guitarist in a niche cover band that only does songs by Fastball. 

Otherwise: A living inspiration for the Giants desire to get their bullpen back to the days of Rod Beck. – CG

14) Texas Rangers: Hayden Cantrelle, SS, Louisiana-Lafayette

You and Hayden Cantrelle were never single at the same time, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t in love. With Hayden, a friendship filled with bellylaughs and inside jokes turned all too quickly into coy looks and knowing smiles. You knew your time together was too dangerous—hell, she knew it, too—so you both walked away, stopped the “lunch dates,” let the text thread die. Now you only “talk” through likes and favs, though you cringe every time you see her post #ad under a sepia picture of her holding a bottle of Milan Tolentino wine. You know everybody has their own Hayden Cantrelle, the embodiment of the path not chosen, of the great “what if” of their lives. And you’re not unhappy with how your story played out. But still … Could you have saved her from a life of Instagram influencing? Would she have saved you from settling for the 9-to-5? You’ll never know for sure, of course, but you still know enough to feel sad. – BC

15) Philadelphia Phillies: Clayton Beeter, RHP, Texas Tech

Ken Rosenthal reported last September that “…once the Phillies began to slump, their front office’s thinking was, ‘We don’t want to go all-out for the chance to play in the wild-card game and then face the Dodgers in the Division Series.’”

They can leave that kind of thinking behind, now that they’ve secured a Clayton beater. – CG

16) Chicago Cubs: Sammy Infante, SS, Monsignor Pace HS (FL)

Just because a choice is obvious doesn’t mean it’s wrong. 

Also, read this name in the voice Ben Wyatt uses when he’s trying to sound cool around cops and tell me you didn’t laugh. – BC 

17) Boston Red Sox: Coby Mayo, 3B, Stoneman Douglas HS (FL)

passed street called Mayoboy on way to fenway. and have seen many since. – CG

18) Arizona Diamondbacks: Alerick Soulaire, OF, Tennessee

This is just a great name. An elegant name for an inelegant time. Does it fit in Arizona? Absolutely not. But maybe Alerick can class up the joint instead of succumbing to a culture that prefers names along the lines of Seth Beer and Christian Walker. – BC

19) New York Mets: Nick Yorke, 2B, Archbishop Mitty (CA)

The Mets are likely looking for some cost savings here, and a first-round second sacker is likely to net them one. Plus if they really are strapped for cash they can put “N. York” on the back of every jersey and in this case it’d be close to accurate. – CG

20) Milwaukee Brewers: Gage Workman, 3B, Arizona State

Sandwich Artist: Subway :: Gage Workman : Brewery

Alternate joke format: 

– BC

21) St. Louis Cardinals: Brandon Birdsell, RHP, San Jacinto JC

So much had to go right for us to get to this point. It’s incredible value for the Cardinals to land a guy with bird in his last name this late in the first round. Incredible value is also what the Cardinals will be looking for if Birdsell is more premonition than prospect, and St. Louis is out of it by the deadline. – CG

22) Washington Nationals: Dalton Fowler, LHP, Northwest Mississippi CC

Like I said: it’s easy to wait on prep school names and pop a quality one in the late first round. The latest entry in the D. Fowler line, Dalton represents the middle trim: he’s not quite as approachable or refined as Dexter, but he offers far more sophistication and utility than Dustin. Ultimately, Dalton Fowler is the name of a man who’d wear boat shoes to a protest. That makes him a perfect fit for D.C. – BC

23) Cleveland Indians: Jason Savacool, RHP, Baker (NY)

If they miss the playoffs and distrust of the front office becomes widespread, there is a danger that Cleveland will enter what sabermetricians call The Savacool Zone. – CG

24) Tampa Bay Rays: Blaze Jordan, 1B, DeSoto Central HS (MS)

Could there possibly be a more “Florida Man” name than Blaze Jordan? Blaze Jordan was arrested in the nude for mud wrestling a crocodile in the midst of a particularly trying peyote trip, but what the police won’t tell you is that he was actually winning. When The Good Place cast eventually reassembles for a feel-good special amidst some national tragedy, we’re gonna learn that “Blaze Jordan” is actually Jason Mendoza’s legal name. He’s at once too edgy for the Trop, yet at home there all the same. – BC

25) Atlanta Braves: Parker Chavers, OF, Coastal Carolina

If he were a musician: Guy who performs Summer Girls by LFO at karaoke.

Otherwise: Parker Chavers is faux fancy. He is nouveau without the riche. He pops his collars, owns a pair of driving gloves (for his Nissan), and wears a Milan Tolentino watch. He uses “summer” as a verb and calls his parents’ house “the manse.” He wears a minimum of three bracelets at any given time. He owns at least two shirts of his own design that say “Keep Calm and Chave On.” He was born on third base but he’ll tell you every detail about that triple. – CG

26) Oakland Athletics: Spencer Torkelson, 1B, Arizona State

Is this a *good* name? No. But is it an extremely A’s-ass name? You betcha. It’s the name of a man who’ll struggle through the league for his first five years, be widely panned as a bust, then hit, like, 124 homers in a three-year stretch for Oakland in his late 20s. Frankly, someone named “Spencer Torkelsonshould look like Eric Sogard. Unfortunately, that’s not the case here, but his overall “Eventual A’s” aesthetic remains strong. – BC

27) Minnesota Twins: Cade Horton, RHP/SS, Norman HS (OK)

Why are all the prospects named Cade now? Did I miss some memo? Look, Cades may be a dime a dozen these days, but it’s the pairing with Horton that really makes this work. A decidedly new-school first name with an old-school surname, that immediately draws the mind to classics like Horton Hears a Who. Throw in an adjacency to Canada’s own Tim Horton’s, and you’ve got some regional synergies happening. Hopefully Twins fans are more supportive of Cade than they were of Tim, though. – CG

28) New York Yankees: Trenton Denholm, RHP, UC Irvine

This draft pick would really put the MLB team on notice, because where do failing Yankees get sent? Trenton, Den holm. – BC

29) Los Angeles Dodgers: Justin Fall, LHP, Arizona State 

What is the only time of year in which the Dodgers fail to serve as the best team in baseball?

Did we use this joke about the A’s and Fall last time around? Yes. Does it work just as well this time? Also yes. – CG

COMPETITIVE BALANCE ROUND

30) Baltimore Orioles: Kyle Hurt, RHP, South Carolina

Who better to pair with Keegan Akin and D.L. Hall? – BC

31) Pittsburgh Pirates: Nick Bitsko, RHP, Central Bucks East (PA)

I don’t wish ill on anyone but I will be laughing my ass off when Nick Bitsko is put on waivers. – CG

32) Kansas City Royals: Asa Lacy, LHP, Texas A&M

Sounds like the name of a performer Dayton Moore would NOT want his players looking up on the internet in their spare time. – BC

33) Arizona Diamondbacks: Drew Bowser, 3B, Harvard-Westlake (CA) 

Well, the Diamondbacks had a lot of time on their hands during quarantine and are big Nintendo fans. – CG

34) San Diego Padres: J.T. Ginn, RHP, Mississippi St

The “Ginn Is Juiced” headlines after his PED bust will be terrible, but necessary. – BC

35) Colorado Rockies: Chase Hampton, RHP, Kilgore HS (TX)

A perfect fit for the Rockies in honor of what opposing teams did to their highest-paid pitcher ever. – CG

36) Cleveland Indians: Kale Emshoff, C, Arkansas-Little Rock

Our last, best hope at getting Midwesterners to consume any Kale. – BC

37) Tampa Bay Rays: Zac Veen, OF, Spruce Creek (FL) 

Immediately a top-tier spoonerism. – CG

NAMES DISQUALIFIED DUE TO SPELLING

Trei Cruz, Sterlin Thompson, Braiden Ward, Zavier Warren, Masyn Winn

Thank you for reading

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Jefferson Airplane
6/10
Ben's draft is *chef's kiss*
Craig Goldstein
6/10
Ouch
Ben Carsley
6/10
Always nice to meet another person of taste