Previous Name Mock Drafts

Once you reach your eighth installment of something, you don’t have to write an intro anymore. Them’s the rules.

That said, we will provide a brief disclaimer. As tradition dictates, we’re confining ourselves to MLB Pipeline’s list of top 250 draft prospects for the purposes of this exercise. That means that even if there was a player named, like, Enya Walletchange who wasn’t covered there within, he wouldn’t be eligible. And so, to say there’s an element of subjectivity involved in picking these names would be incorrect: picking them is completely subjective.

That being said, if you disagree with us, you’re wrong. Enjoy!

1. Baltimore Orioles: Orion Kerkering, RHP, South Florida

Feel free to insert “Orion Kerkering” as a co-lead into one of your preferred sci-fi/fantasy stories. Orion Kerkering is a bounty hunter who helps Mando save baby Grogu in season three of The Mandalorian. Orion Kerkering leads the crew of the Galactica on Earth 3 after Starbuck turns into a pigeon or whatever. Orion Kerkering is the shadow to the shadow of the hegemon. Best of all? I mistyped “Orion” a few times while writing this and it autocorrected to “Oriole.” That’s kismet.  – CG

2.Arizona Diamondbacks: Brad Cumbest, OF, Mississippi State

Honor compels me to select Mr. Cumbest here to protect the integrity of this exercise. It does not compel me to further jeopardize my employment by prolonging this writeup. – BC

3. Texas Rangers: Dakota Jordan, OF, Jackson Academy (MS)

The epitome of 2003 naming conventions. It would be like getting a prospect born in 2006 named Harper Blake. Or a prospect born in 2000 named Tristen Tryston. Picking towards the top of the draft you absolutely want a carrying tool, and the specificity of the popularity of both first and surname is too much to pass up at this point. – CG

4. Pittsburgh Pirates: Ike Irish, C, Orchard Lake St. Mary’s (MI)

This name has everything. It’s alliterative. It’s unique. It’s short and catchy. And you can really dress it up or down depending on which stereotype, if any, you want to lean into. Ike Irish can be an everyman politician, or the towniest of townies, or a fictional scientist who discovers a serum that powers up a bullied teen, or a mouthy welterweight relegated to the undercard.

To wit: 75% of the people in this iconic photo could absolutely be Ike Irish:

I take it back: any of them could be Ike Irish. That’s the beauty of this name: it’s what we once held dear as the American dream distilled to three syllables. It can fit almost anyone. In fact, if you look deep down inside yourself, maybe it could even fit you, too.

(That said, we all know it’s 100% the guy in the B’s sweatshirt.) – BC

5. Washington Nationals: Nazier Mule, RHP/SS, Passaic Tech (NJ)

The ultimate outcome of this tweet:


6. Miami Marlins: Aiva Arquette, SS, St. Louis (HI)

Aiva Arquette is a name as versatile as it is elegant. It’s part debutante and part abandoned Justified subplot. It’s absolutely part Joanna Gaines wannabe: you will never wonder where the FRESH EGGS and LAUNDRY are in Aiva’s home, nor will you forget to LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE. Aiva Arquette could be an arrogant D2 lacrosse player from Maryland or the philanthropy chair of a small but time-honored midwestern Delta Gamma chapter. I just wish I could stop reading this name in Boyd Crowder’s voice. – BC

7. Chicago Cubs: Jimmy Crooks, C, Oklahoma

I bet you’re thinking “this is an overdraft” but I’m here to tell you it’s a good name, especially for Chicago. Especially for the Cubs. He’ll probably be governor there one day. God willing he gets to play with 2022 Cub Narciso Crook. But back to Jimmy: It’s a three syllable name total. It’s punchy. It has pep. You get the hard consonants in C and K. Plus, it’s highly versatile: Character in a mafia show? Damn right. Asshole vice principal in a high school dramedy? Yessir. Henchman guy that gets a name in a Bond flick and dies memorably? Hell yes. Seventh overall pick in the name draft? You bet your bippy. – CG

8. Minnesota Twins: Zach Crotchfelt, LHP, Jackson Memorial (NJ) – BC

Honor compels me to select Mr. Crotchfelt here to protect the integrity of this exercise. It does not compel me to further jeopardize my employment by prolonging this writeup. – BC

9. Kansas City Royals: Jackson Cox, RHP, Toutle Lake (WA)

It’s not uncommon to see a team announce a draft pick at a position other than the one they’re listed at in draft guides, or played most commonly in high school or college. It’s very rare to see a team announce a name change for a player they just selected, but that’s exactly what the Royals are doing with Jackson Cox Abs T. Nance. They’re said to love the player, but could not abide by what his given name condoned. – CG

10. Colorado Rockies: Christian Oppor, LHP, Columbus (WI)

When God grants you a layup you better make it. – BC

11. New York Mets: JeanPierre Ortiz, SS/RHP, IMG Academy

I haven’t seen such a beautiful combination of French and Spanish names since the Treaty of the Pyrenees. Bearing the hallmarks of both countries, one could easily imagine Ortiz the proprietor and chef behind a smash fusion restaurant in Queens, offering French classics in the style of Spanish Tapas. You can almost see the Pete Wells NYT review column already. Instead he offers a fusion of defensive and pitching talent with a questionable bat. There’s no questioning the name, though. – CG

12. Detroit Tigers: Malachi Witherspoon, RHP, Fletcher (FL)

If Craig and I were less sophomoric in our humor this name would’ve gone higher. Malachi Witherspoon is a great moniker. It conjures up images of an early 20th century railroad tycoon and a backup cornerback from the Mountain West all at once. Malachi Witherspoon could be the heir to an expansive network of textile mills or the mysterious arch-nemesis of whatever Tier 5 superhero the MCU is going to trot out for four episodes on Disney+ next month. It could even be a complete sentence asked by a Gilded Age socialite at a dinner party missing a key piece of silverware. Incredible, incredible value here. – BC

13. Los Angeles Angels: Kumar Rocker, RHP, Tri-City Valley Cats

You’re telling me Arte Moreno isn’t all in on a known entity with a big ceiling, big price tag and a ton of injury risk as a rotation solution? Rocker is a nice value at this stage in the draft, but it’s hard to feel confident that anything will go right given the landing spot.- CG

14. New York Mets: Peyton Pallette, RHP, Arkansas

Peyton Pallette was your first and best friend growing up: the one you used to laugh and cry with as you’d splash in the pool, play in the dirt, and scuff up your knees. She was there when you didn’t notice girls, when you thought girls had cooties, and crucially, when you started to see girls as something more. Before you knew it, Peyton was everywhere you looked: sitting next to you in math class, smiling coyly at you on your walks home, and, though you’d never admit it, snuggling on your shoulder in your dreams. Despite years of protestation that Peyton was “like a sister to you,” your parents and friends seemed to know there was something there, as hers did in turn. You took Peyton to Senior Prom, stayed by her side all summer and promised to stay close through college. And you did … for a while. But sometime around Junior Year, Peyton changed. Her texts to you became less frequent and more curt. She dyed her hair from the light brown you loved to a waxy, generic blonde. She posted 524 IG stories from her Spring Break trip to Croatia. Worse yet, she ghosted you on her trip home for Thanksgiving, leaving you on read as she joined Dakota Jordan and Cutter Coffey at the local dive. You’ve long since let it go–few childhood BFFLs end up together, and in truth that’s all you ever were. But when you visit your parents’ house and look upon the long-since rusted playset, you swear you can still hear Peyton’s laugh, though you haven’t even spoken in years. You should smile at the memory, really—not everyone has ones so sweet—but truth be told, all you feel is sad. – BC

15. San Diego Padres: Hayden Dunhurst, C, Mississippi

Hayden Dunhurst is just a Rich Guy Name, with all the accompanying baggage (Louis Vuitton, obvs). It’s the type of name that evokes someone adding on “…of the Pearl River Dunhursts.” That guy you see wearing two watches, but who checks his phone for the time? That’s Hayden Dunhurst. The guy parking his Tesla at the nexus of four parking lot spaces so no one can ding it? That’s Hayden Dunhurst. The guy who refers to a private jet as a “PJ?” You guessed it. Hayden Dunhurst. There’s no better place to be all those things, plus have easy access to water for your yacht (“it’s only 79 feet”), than San Diego. – CG

16. Cleveland Guardians: Silas Ardoin, C, Texas

Silas Ardoin is 100% a tertiary character in Yoknapatawpha County who has a well-meaning heart but is in severe debt and has succumbed to alcoholism.



WILLIAM FAULKNER: Silas Ardoin’s neck crooked straining from his litherness as weary forlorn eyes plied the barren crevices once harboring the melodious saccharine perfumes of honeysuckle long decayed and unrenewed by an Augustine climate as cruel to life human as to greenery once brimming with a promise of an Elysium he now knew to be as false as his own base nature.

A tale told by an idiot, indeed. – BC

17. Philadelphia Phillies: Emaarion Boyd, OF, South Panola (MS)

Emaarion Boyd is the actor who plays Orion Kerkering in the film adaptation of whatever sci-fi/fantasy book he ends up in. – CG

18. Cincinnati Reds: Kenya Huggins, RHP, Chipola JC

Well, the Reds are once more entering a phase in which they’re going to be hugging their prospects, so this selection seems apt. Plus, this opens up the possibility of a Kenya-to-India connection one day, which means the future Reds could at least be relevant when teaching Geography 101. That’s likely as good as it’s going to get in Cincinnati for a while. – BC

19. Oakland Athletics: Chase Shores, RHP, Legacy (TX)

Okay, Howard Terminal (unfortunately not a name in this draft) isn’t a shore exactly, but if we can’t chalk this up to nominative determinism and the A’s trying to get a park on the water, I don’t even know what we’re doing here. – CG

20. Atlanta Braves: Adonys Guzman, C, Brunswick (CT)

Oh great, another Braves prospect that literally looks like Adonys. Can’t wait for him to emerge as a .500 hitter and 30/30 threat at the ripe old age of 22 after posting a 78% strikeout rate in Double-A. At least I’m grabbing him right before Craig can add him to Seattle’s system, sparing us all from a likely Adon-eez (Modesto) Nuts joke. – BC

21. Seattle Mariners: Cutter Coffey, 3B, Liberty (CA)

A true grinder. The more you take in the bigger an eye-opener he is. Bundle of energy out there. While his game is not about pop, he can roast a fat pitch if he gets one—let’s just hope he doesn’t get beaned afterward. Seattle seems like a natural landing spot for his talent, but given Dipoto’s proclivities, he’d probably be acquirable in a fair trade, perhaps with Billy Beane?. – CG

22. St. Louis Cardinals: Eli Serrano, OF, Pro5 Academy (NC)

Mr. Serrano will be far and away the spiciest thing associated with this franchise since that one time Brandon Phillips was rude. A good value pick this late in the draft, and one that Cardinals fans are sure to hate to boot. – BC

23. Toronto Blue Jays: Jaden Noot, RHP, Sierra Canyon (CA)

I’m envisioning a stadium full of rabid (yet polite) Canadians, draped in denim, absolutely smothered in maple syrup, collectively screaming “Noot” and you can’t take that away from me. – CG

24. Boston Red Sox: Roman Anthony, OF, Stoneman Douglass (FL)

After missing out on Ike Irish the Red Sox do well to get another name that allows for endless ethno-regional stereotypes. Roman Anthony wears his Adam Vinatieri jersey every Sunday: the only ritual he still adheres to on The Lord’s Day, but don’t tell that to his Ma. He shuns anyone who goes to Modern or Mike’s Pastry: his favorite spot is a hole-in-the-wall on Prince Street where the affogato costs $26 but is made by a Nona who was there when Vesuvius erupted. He’s disgusted that we can no longer call it Columbus Day, and he likes Santarpios but thinks the staff is too nice. How can anyone who so clearly wants to live in New York steadfastly claim to hate New York so much? That’s just par for the course for a Roman Anthony in Boston. – BC

25. New York Yankees: Jorel Ortega, 2B, Tennessee

If Superman can erect (perfect timing to use this under the Roman selection, imo) a statue of Jor-El at the Fortress of Solitude, surely Ortega can find his way to Monument Park? Possibly as the best 25th overall selection of all time?

Alternate joke: The mild-mannered Tyler Wade enters a phone booth and transforms into Jorel Ortega, his super-powered alter ego. From there he actually plays decent baseball and rescues Peyton Pallette from the clutches of Jimmy Crooks. – CG

26. Chicago White Sox: Chandler Pollard, SS, Woodward Academy (GA)

Throughout several iterations of this exercise I’ve found myself trailing Craig when it comes to runs on specific names. Last year he beat me to the punch when selecting the draft’s best Chance. In 2016, Mr. Good Face started a run on Tre/Trey/Tres that left me in the lurch. I won’t play the fool a third time around. This draft has only two Chandlers in it and I am moving to secure the best of a sorry bunch. Chandler Pollard could be the head butler in a Downton spinoff, or a NASCAR driver, or a “YouTube chef” who claims to specialize in “Asian Fusion” but really just adds fish sauce, and sambal oelek to everything. It’s not a special name, but it’s a versatile one, and sometimes you have to play the board lest it play you. – BC

27. Milwaukee Brewers: Chandler Simpson, SS, Georgia Tech

Could these names BE any more boring? – CG

 28. Houston Astros: Mack Anglin, RHP, Clemson

Oh, so you think only the Macks on the Astros were Anglin to do something? I just hope that when you talk about this you also talk about the Macks that were Anglin on the Red Sox and Yankees, too. Pretty much every team has Macks that Angle. Plus there are plenty of studies that suggest that the Astros’ Mack didn’t even do his Anglin effectively. I can’t believe you’re still bringing this up. Houston’s Anglin Macks did their time, even if I can’t say what that time was. Just let it go. – BC

29. Tampa Bay Rays: Riley Cornelio, RHP, TCU

Leave it to the Rays to just go BPA and get great value. This isn’t a system fit or an organizational need, no, it’s just taking the best name on the board. Riley Cornelio has good flow to it, and also harkens back to Beavis and Butthead’s Cornholio, which is a net benefit for society. – CG

30. San Francisco Giants: Matthew Grabmann, RHP, TNXL Academy (FL)

(Deep sigh) Honor compels me to select Mr. Grabmann here to protect the integrity of this exercise. It does not compel me to further jeopardize my employment by prolonging this writeup. No, Bret, I will not be taking your calls. – BC

31. Colorado Rockies: Jace LaViolette, OF, Tompkins (TX)

Score another win for nominative determinism. The Rockies may not be good at drafting but they have a type, and in this case that type is a surname that means purple. It was perhaps not the foregone conclusion for the Rockies as taking a guy named Christian with their first selection, but it was also never in doubt where Jace The Purple was ending up. – CG

32. Cincinnati Reds: A.J. Izzi, RHP, Oswego East (IL)

This name conjures up the 2007 classic “Potential Breakup Song” by the impossibly autotuned, one-hit-wonder duo of Aly & AJ. Seems like it should be required listening for Phil Castellini, no? – BC

Competitive Balance Round A

33. Baltimore Orioles: Jeric Curtis, OF, Tomball Memorial (TX)

The closest we’re ever going to get to a baseball player named Jeri Curl. -CG

34. Arizona Diamondbacks: Jackson Holiday, SS, Stillwater (OK)

Good for Jack, tbh. – BC

35. Atlanta Braves: Gavin Van Kempen, RHP, Maple Hill (NY)

The first notable challenger to the Daniel Norris lifestyle in some time. – CG

36. Pittsburgh Pirates: Sam Horn, RHP, Collins Hill (GA)

Just imagine if he had some sons. – BC

37. Cleveland Guardians: Tucker Toman, 3B, Hammond (SC)

Pair him with Roman Anthony and you have Toman & Roman, the drivetime sports radio show on 92.3 The FAN in Cleveland. – CG

38. Colorado Rockies: Jayden Hylton, OF, Palm Beach Gardens (FL)

Yt’s a weyrd nyme, admyttydly, byt at thys poynt in thy dryft it plyys. – ByC

39. San Diego Padres: Trey Faltine, SS, Texas

I can neither confirm or deny whether Trey Faltine played “Bodhi” in the 2015 adaptation of Point Break, but I can say with absolute confidence that this is the name of someone who would go out in a literal wave of glory. – CG

Honorable Mention: Brandon Birdsell, Blake Burkhalter, Ross Highfill, Jace Jung, Jordan Sprinkle

Dishonorable Mention: Korbyn Dickerson, Karson Milbrandt, Trystan Vrieling

Thank you for reading

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