We’ve tabulated this year’s HACKING MASS results, and we’ve got ourselves a winner. Keith Lindahl led his imaginatively named squad to a fantastic 371.76 ESPN to easily capture the 2001 HACKING MASS title. Keith’s winning team is a smorgasboard of stiffness:

  • C Mike Matheny
  • 1B Kevin Young
  • 3B Cal Ripken
  • IF Rey Ordonez
  • OF Marquis Grissom


Team-by-Team Results

Owner Team Name ESPN
Keith Lindahl Keiths Team 371.76
Michael Wendt VH Ones 363.23
Gareth Pope Won’t Walk, Won’t Hit, but they have clubhouse prescence! 356.02
Jeff Wright The Alan Wiggins Project 356.02
Eric Roush They never gave a prize for the most humorous name. 352.79
Jon Schmitt Amish Roadkill 347.74
Dominic Rivers And by the way, I pick the Orioles to win the series in six 345.58
Kurt Ritzman The Peter Gammons Veteran Presence All-Stars 339.07
Brad Kane Bovine Spongiform Encephelopathy 334.13
Josh Kalk Homer’s Hacking Heros 331.25
David Greenstone dgreds 330.26
Jason Marechal Chemistry and Defense Wins Championships 330.08
David Geiser The Willie Greene Emulation Society 329.28
David Edelman Expanded Strike Zones 328.74
Bryan Hardaway Valium St. Blues 324.96
Mark Robinson Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. 323.54
Tim Kolehmainen Poppin’ Fresh 323.16
Brian Popowsky Dick Tracewski’s Sluggers 321.33
Jason Marsh Congratulations! Unprintably Tasteless Name Submitted 320.85
Walter Davis Manteo Marmosets 320.85
Peter Frasso Plaieyres Az Geoued Az Meye Spelllinge 320.59
Nelson Lu I Want Randy Smith’s Job 320.14
Bob Heinrich St. Elsewhere 319.50
Rich Cadieux We Could Do This Blindfolded! 319.50
Tony Goodson Worst Players… Ever 319.50
Tony Borgerding Da Crushers 319.50
Warren Beaudry Tornados 319.30
Josh Passman Veteran Leadership 318.84
Andrew Weatherall Jahnny Gash 315.27
Tim Irvin OPS: Offensively Putrid Stiffs 314.54
Chad Kubicek Kubi’s Butterballs 314.52
Eric Slippern Woody Woodward’s All-Stars 314.45
Cameron Crise 2001: A Waste of Space Odyssey 314.19
Gabriel Arnson Unsensible Knaves 312.46
Russ Dewey Lemaster Batters 310.93
Sean Ransom The Arbitration All-Stars 310.41
Bo Light Abcdefghijklmnpqrstuvwxyz 310.41
Will Ostdiek Sons of Herm Winningham 309.40
Daniel Rodriguez Damn this Team of Slappies and Stiffs 309.06
Dean Carrano Pearce’s "What’s the Use" Children 309.06
Patrick Fournier Evil Wizards 309.06
Scott Harang The Steve Beucheles 309.06
Sean Smith The Intangibles 309.06
Sue-Hyung Shin ymca teeball league all-stars (2nd team) 309.06
Justin Dowling Until Jose Mesa starts hitting… 308.38
will wang five lousy pieces 308.13
Cris Enestvedt More High Fastballs Can’t Be Good 308.10
Sean Dawson Mad hackers 307.76
Don Busch Leaders Don’t Take Walks 307.48
Jay Meyer Mighty Mighty Meyer 307.48
Steve Cameron No Batter, No Batter, No Batter, Whiff! 307.34
Dan Dick Chocolate City Thumpasorus 307.33
Scott Simon Maddux for Cy Young 306.13
Eric Stephen Enos Cabell and The Five Disciples 305.50
Geoff Krall The Degenerative Hips 305.16
Chris Long Bill Bergen Lives 305.10
Alfred Wallace Clubhouse Leadership 304.83
John Walsh Greenjeans 304.24
Chris Coovert D Bells and Friends 302.85
Kevin Larkin Bad News Bears 2001 302.55
David Tate Pacific Power and Gas 302.41
Dan McLaughlin BaseballCrank 301.49
Robert Spisak Sputniks 299.60
Eric Young Bruce Benedict Memorial Flailers 299.34
Terry Vent Spring Hill Roadkill 298.85
Micah Heilicser Cub Killers 298.34
Tim Wilde Icterus Galbuli 298.08
Dan Lewis The Boston Massacre 297.66
Kyle Swiss Cheese Bats 297.66
Asa Allen Whiffle Bats and Glass Eyes 296.40
Rob Seidenwurm Portland Rainmakers 296.40
Robert Wagner Ugly Losers 296.40
Kenneth Peskin Paul Zuvella’s Secret Lovechild 295.34
Mike Elenbaas Ken Phelps Phan Club 294.75
Perry Sailor Veteran Leaders 294.59
James Fraser Rafael Belliard’s Grandma 294.31
Rob Sandler The Raging Placentas 293.57
Mike Murray Flatliners 293.28
Phil Cam Bonifay all-stars 292.87
James Gill Gallium Sluggers 290.53
Bret Hern Richie Hebner Showed Me How 290.09
Greg Tamer Da Buffalo Birds 289.26
Joon Pahk Top 10 signs your team isn’t playing with a full deck 289.16
Chris Geisler Cayahoga Wahoo De-Lite All Stars 288.09
Brian Gressler All this for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling 287.30
Dan Hoefer Veteran’s Committee Short List, 2030 287.06
Sean Forman Der SchwachenArmen Schlaegermeisters 286.35
Joel Roberts Muser’s Rolodex 285.18
Andrew Ritchie Neptune’s Non-threatening Farm Animals 285.02
Nick Vaccaro The Unnaturals 284.82
Craig Maczkowicz Really Rottens 284.33
John Rauchman Defense Wins Championships! 284.33
James Golden Speedy wimps who don’t walk 284.33
Eugene Hung Chula Vista Fireballs 284.33
Dave Glickenstein Jeff Stone’s Spring Training Scabs 284.33
Diego Garcia Reincarnations of Bill Bergen 283.67
Rany Jazayerli, M.D. The Flatliners 283.67
Curtis Weber Mike Matheny’s Knife Sheath 283.63
Richard Fish Great Falls Uglyfish 283.63
Jason Callicutt Raffy’s Fun Guys 283.59
Jim Holland Zeem’s Dream Team 283.13
Mike Littau Boogermeisters 2001 — I’m afraid I can’t hit or walk, Dave 282.70
Andrew Richter Egads!! 282.16
Geoff Thevenot Down with OBP? No Way, Not Me! 282.05
Jim Wininger Rey Ordonez Sucks or The Orioles, I can’t decide 281.22
Mitchell Below Below Zeroes 280.94
David Snyder Destined To Lose 280.74
Stephen Mathis Cotton’s Swabs 280.68
Jeff Williams Phase 280.62
David Cameron Seattle Bulldogs 280.36
Mark Locatelli The Slumping Space Bunnies from Jupiter 279.87
Josh Kraushaar American University Anti-Bonds 279.66
Mark Murphy Eric Gregg’s Strikezone x 5 279.66
Brian Flaspohler 2001 Outs in 2001! 279.49
Tom Battiato My Sister’s Fantasy Team 279.42
Jay Stachowski Bob Dole’s Right Hand 278.51
Todd Burianek It’s not you; it’s me! 278.40
Zack Gima The Suckiest Sucks that ever sucked 278.40
Clark Shumway Team Chemistry 277.94
Ryan A. Adams Five reasons to pray for a work stoppage 277.79
Scott Ostdiek Grandsons of Winningham 277.57
Brad Buchanan The Off-Base Machines 276.42
Mike Marcucci Peter Gammons’ IM Buddy List 275.95
David Shapiro Shapiro Maniacs 275.10
Rick Jones Mississauga Shutout Masters 275.06
Mike Lavoie Punted Roster Spots 274.87
Tad Trammell The suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked 274.63
Zorba Zettler Darrin Fletcher’s Fighting Illini 274.22
Phillip Burgart Stiffs R Us 273.94
Chris Graber Feel the Breeze 273.89
Dayn Perry Cubic Zirconium 273.89
David Schoenfield Will Play For Food (or Cam Bonifay) 273.89
Cory Schwartz Swinging Salami Bats With Wet Spaghetti Arms 273.89
Allen Speir The Pirates signed who?!? 273.89
Patrick Hurley Wheaton Ambulance Chasers 273.89
John Stuart Searching for 4th Place Again 273.89
J.M. Smythe Congratulations! Unprintably Tasteless Name Submitted 273.89
Tom Wright Lock Stock and No Smoking Barrels 273.89
Robert Malkin Malkin Tents 273.42
David Nieporentt Syd Thrift’s Dream Team 273.26
Robert Dudek Shouldn’t these guys be in AA ? 273.00
Seth Johnson Omega Seth 272.79
Hugh Dauffenbach Take the Donut Off 272.75
Brad Carnell Better than the Minnesota Twins 272.60
Jesse Matheson Intangibles 272.31
Joseph Sherman Homer’s Blunders 272.31
Joe Dimino Pottsville Yuenglings 272.01
Jason Gische The Flying Nones 271.84
Chris Reed Brooklyn Un-Superbas 271.78
Ben Edelman Padres Shortstop Candidates 271.49
Rob Mathews No Lo Tengo 270.86
Jeremy Ford Just Bring Out the Pitching Machine…Don’t Waste Your Arm 270.32
Frank Sherer Juiced Ball? I Don’t See Any Juiced Ball. 270.19
Joel Wirth He Swung At Ball Four 269.57
Ed Barnes Chemistry. By Calvin Klein 269.51
Brian Fay For whom the Bell don’t toll 269.03
Jason Hoagland Aspiring To Be Danny Napoleon 268.84
Jason Rexing California Penal League All-Star Team 267.45
Chris Needham Rey Sanchez’ All-Stars 267.12
Jeff Kruszewski The Don Baylor All-Stars 266.34
Murali Krishnan Dunston Checks In 265.67
Costa Galanis The Olympic Baseball Team of Greece 2004 265.25
Matt Lubman WeBlowGoats 265.13
Paul Mazurkiewicz P-Rock’s Scrubeenies 265.13
Michael Hawkins Derek Bell’s Guide to Success in the Majors 264.17
Chad O’Kelly Alcoholics Unanimous 264.03
Eric DeWall Standing Outs 264.03
Dave Naehring Violent Phlegms 263.89
Steven Carter The Mighty Slugs 263.66
Langstaff Johnston Cam Bonifay’s Shopping List 263.35
Christian Ruzich Hacking Ruz 263.25
Chris Mole 263.22
Roy White Mold, Findle, Sputilate 263.22
Tom Maccarone Lumber in Slumber 263.22
Arvin Hsu All your base are belong to us 262.91
Aaron Grant Elmira White Sox 261.96
Marty Winn Marty Winn’s Team 261.57
Sandy Peterson Purple People of Kehau 261.57
Josh Matthews Jose Uribe’s Love Bunch 260.75
Paul Bracke Sucking Suckheads 260.30
Dave Till "He was a day late and a dollar short on that one, Jerry" 259.11
JD Barnes The TLR Five 258.30
Voros McCracken Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Mathenys 258.30
Bret Robertson Flaming Escargot 257.88
Dave Adler Squirrel Nut Whiffers II – Squirrels in Cleats 257.60
Paul S. Galvanek The Mister Roper Experience 257.60
Scot Hughes Veteran Presence 257.44
David easy outs 257.33
Jeff Sullivan fwengland fwinks rule!!! 256.83
David Dick Marquis Grissom Memorial Team 256.49
Mike Fenger humpback liners 256.32
Josh Moses Leon and the Durhams 256.12
Adam Siry I’d like to make an offer to Cam Bonifay 255.90
Michael Bass These Guy Blow 255.90
Bill Wood Capital Small Balls 255.90
Tom Renkes Proven Vertebrates 255.90
Gabriel Schwartz Halter’s Hackers 255.49
Scott Santandrea Proven Veterans 255.28
Sherif Geleil The Larry Bowa All Stars 255.14
Terry Luster The Brigitte Lahaie Fan Club 254.32
James Mathis Mike Ramsey’s Boys 254.32
Tod Johnson Derek Bell and the guys who know their role! 254.04
Dan Kozusko The OTF 253.73
Kevin Lederman ALL-SCRUB All Stars 253.59
Eric Moyer Pokey Pokey Pokey 253.47
Alex Hancock Flaked giblets in aspic 253.44
Peter Vaeth The Intangibles 253.18
John Newfry Waste of Good Ash, (or waist of Gord Ash, take your pick) 253.16
David Blackburn Losers, Inc. 252.78
Kyung Ro Smoking Bass? 252.78
Jordan Wolbrum A Pennsylvanian GM’s Dream 252.78
Jason W. Rose One, Two, Three Strikes Your Out 252.78
Brian Marshall UK Subs 252.75
Hyoun Park NASDAQ Bat Whacks! 252.57
Jay Jaffe Mendoza Liners 252.51
Jason 1899 Cleveland Spiders 252.50
Carl Zimring XLB 252.38
Dean Chadwin when statheads litigate 252.13
Stephen McAvoy Bicycle Spoke All-Stars 251.89
Mitch Dupler Manila Folders 251.82
Daryl Cunningham Someone Set Up Us The Bomb! 251.72
Jonah Keri Cool hair gets you anywhere: The Orlando Cabrera Story 251.72
Matthew Strebeck sucks to be these guys 251.37
Donald Adamek Ann Arbor Chelios Haters 251.21
Alan Proven Veterans 251.15
Toby Johnson Los aficianados de Reyo 251.12
Phil Drinka The Usual Suspects – Don’t Round Them Up 250.82
Huggy Huckabay LABR Stoppages 250.31
Denise Parsons Comatose Comets 250.29
Chris Sjoholm Slug-gers 250.02
Jake LeBlannc The Suckiest Team in the Whole Wide World!!! 249.95
Rich Clayton Cam Bonifay’s All Stars 249.76
Bill DeSalvo Don Buddin Dream Team 249.33
Mike Kung Pao Train 249.30
Paul Smith The Good, The Bad and Your Mom 248.71
Michael Ham Bums for Bums 248.60
Nick Gisonda The Great Blewdinis, Part Deux 247.75
Rich Rifkin The Colt .25’s 247.56
David Winsor Hermosa Hounds 247.48
Jason Ward Bonifay’s Blow-up Dolls 247.39
Josh Schulz Go Dbacks! 247.32
Dennis McMahan Rigor Morrises 246.81
Mike Wilson Have Bat Will Play 246.03
Mark Wiffen Littlest Hobos 246.01
Roland Bassett Florida Recount Society 245.90
Ed Agner Deionz Prime Timerz 245.79
Grant Brisbee Name containing clever baseball reference and pun 245.57
Chris Claywell SF Quakes 245.42
Randall Packer Bonehead Merkles 245.37
Kevin Chang Stockinged Glory 244.76
Adam Morris The Nappy Pappys 244.57
Nicholas Meyer Nobel Prize Winners in Chemistry 243.62
Jeremy Buchman Whoomp–There It Ain’t! 243.41
Tim Dawson Jimy’s Bench 243.41
Mark A Sullivan The Belangers 243.40
DJ Birnie The Ziggens are Key 242.53
Jeff Phillips S.A.B.L (sorry a** bunch losers) 242.42
Mac Thomason I have no chance 242.07
Chris Musillo In a Cryptoquote, Cam is God 241.81
David Guretz Fresh Ones 241.60
David Mitchell La Jolla Pimp Doggz 241.28
Mike Develin The Blair Stick Project 241.28
Joe Weatherall Wabasha Whiffers 241.28
Jim DuValeus The Jim Mini-Crickets 240.92
Michael Fischer The Intangibles 240.66
Todd Carberry Mr. Burns’ Dream Team 240.29
Jesse Caldwell Proven Veterans 240.17
Chris Johnston Rey Ordonez’s Inglorious Stiffs featuring Mike Matheny 240.10
Vinay Kumar The 2004 Orioles 240.10
Scott Ciancio Scott’s Lame Bunch 239.64
Peter Honig The Terry Francona All-Stars 239.20
Steve Cox Learn Baseball The Larry Bowa Way 238.72
David Kelly Oyler’s Oilers 238.72
Dave Lake Slash and Burn 238.35
Jody Beaulac The Cacophony 238.26
Joel Fried still beats the Orioles 237.92
Jeff Chai He-Man and She-ra 237.85
Matthew Eddy Sterling Siliphant 237.71
Rob Sieczkiewicz Defense is 90% of Winning 237.57
Arv The indomitable ones 237.47
Christian Trudeau Overpaid Losers 237.01
James Khanlarian Ugly Muppets 236.83
Keith Hibbetts Whiffy Mcgees 236.65
Phil Bezanson The Oscar Azocar All Stars 236.63
Alan Rowland Sisyphus’ Abyss 236.23
Owen Thomas Bob Boone’s All Stars 236.23
John Bochicchio Say it aint so ! 236.13
Chip Dilworth Taxi Drivers 236.12
Barry Gillis The best OPS-shuns 235.81
Mike Tilly Knights Who Don’t Say Ni 235.76
Todd Slavinsky Rey Quinones’ Horrific July Slump-A-Thon 235.50
Gho Ghoghol ghod awful 235.39
Bill Caskey Blind Squirrels 235.32
Paul Wu Death From At-Bats 234.61
Eric Brasher Free Aubrey Huff Now! 234.32
Kenny Poulin Jimy Williams’s Dream Team 234.28
Michael Neft The Dead Parrots 233.98
Schuyler Dombroske Bobby Meachem All-Stars 233.95
Kevin Pelton The Pat Meares Wanna-Be’s 233.82
Brian Hayes for me to poop on 233.72
Bill Heller Junk In The Trunk 233.67
Michael L. Smith Narcissus Flycatchers 233.67
Ross Wollen Preserved Fish 233.67
Jeremy Milstein Viva Enzo Hernandez! 233.22
Mike Kim the White Pony 233.00
John Church Atlantis Failures 232.91
Keith Willoughby Jimy Williams All-Stars 232.46
Brian Gray Extra Winkies 232.39
Jeff Barricelli Mark Belanger presents… 232.17
Lazaros Volikas Absolute Zeroes of Ground Zero 232.13
Duane Grassbaugh I really want noHomer Bush and St.Rey on my team 231.40
D. Kidder The Can Cams (From Pirate Fans in the Underworld) 230.74
Bill Otterman Senator Jon Corzine 230.68
Mark Zebelman Syd Thrift All Stars 230.61
Rodney Reineke The Blank-O’s 230.61
Jonathan Pusey Sucksville Suckskippers 230.55
Brad Wenban Orioles 230.17
Doug Krippendorf Mora is Less 230.13
Jake Parrott Lava Crap 230.07
Robert Weiler The Men Behind The Curtain 229.53
Chris Papazian Kill Kill 229.39
Eric Carlile If An Offense Falls in the Forest… 229.03
Aaron Gleeman Good veteran leaders who provide good clubhouse chemistry 228.05
Michael O’Brien The Black Holes 227.70
Jamey Limp Noodle Bats 227.35
Ken Kronstadt Deadbeat the drum slowly 227.27
Seth Blonder The Proven Veterans 227.27
Jason Scott The Mickey Hatchets 227.13
Mike Serlin Merlin’s Magic Mufflers 227.13
Duan Stokes Hot Press Munchengladbach 226.56
Jason Lebeck Can’t hit their way outta a wet paper bag 226.47
Noah Roy The Millstones 226.39
Theron Skyles The Five Tools 226.39
Zen Bitz Bitz’ Bit-Size Hitz 226.39
Brian J. Brennan Lowlifes 226.28
John McDonald The Ovals 226.15
Bret Hildebran Suicide Squeeze Stiff Sticks 226.07
John Reynard Past, Present, Future Braves bench or Royals starters 225.83
Subrata Sircar Prophets … Of Doom! 225.72
Gary Huckabay Rounding First…and Heading Back to the Dugout 225.55
Russell Steele Cam’s Cannon Fodder 225.38
Steve Hawes Stever’s Underachievers 224.70
Joshua Buergel Kansas City Herks 224.65
Ted Maire Buffalo Chips 224.44
Ryan Daniels Rafael Santana’s No-Hit All-Stars 223.99
Windsor Williams They Flail Hard for the Money 223.89
Josh Paley Pfighting Ptarmigans 223.45
Jack Hart Hartless Losers 223.13
Bo Polak See Ball, Hit Ball 222.93
Matt Bruce Vin Scully’s Worst Nightmare 222.80
Jeffrey Goldberg Suck Inc. 222.66
Dan Kachur Staten Island Bombers 222.56
Michael Nickelsburg The Iowa City Angry Beavers 222.20
Justin Binek Kalamazoo Mendozas 222.18
Jim O’Hara Ren’s Revenge 222.17
Josh Araujo Brooklyn Illest 222.17
Christian Sweet Home RUNabama 221.95
Doug Riblet The Five Tools 221.25
Laurence Hart The Hawkins Hacking Hitters 221.18
Ira Blum Hackum Stiffie 220.43
David Jackson Heart and Chemistry 220.26
Sean Ehrlich Really Bad Players 220.17
Jeff Knapke Cam’s Favorite Pirates 220.03
Robert Grand Valley Whitecaps 219.88
Rahul Datta Baltimore Hack 219.29
Will Primerano coop’s poops 218.93
Jason Lee California Penal League All Stars 218.77
RH Bartlett the stiffs of victory 217.96
Arthur Lee Burnaby North Vikings 217.61
Ben Murphy Murph’s Marauders 216.80
Keith Fiertl No tools 216.76
Colby Cosh The Futility Sinfielders 216.56
John Cohen We Are Not Amused 216.47
Eric Boorstin LA Smog Inhalers 216.35
Joel Wertheimer Burlington Biffs 215.73
Brendan Jicha Ohio Rejects 215.68
Joseph Kowal The Hitless Wonders…. 95 years later 215.68
Matt Coakley This Game Sucks 215.35
Bill Johnson Bill’s Pills 215.07
Kiran Bobblers 215.01
Paul P. The Green Pay Hackers 214.85
Tom Bache Valdez Oilers 214.71
AJ Schuster Scraping the Bowels of Sucktitude 214.71
John DelaCruz Nuke’s Lalooshers 214.56
Silas Byrne The Ronco Hackamatics 214.48
Tim Daly Rigidi Sumus 214.39
Jacob Vaccaro eLiTe hAcKeRz 214.33
Geoff The Intangibles All-Stars 213.77
Lowell Bike Rey’s Kings of Ineptitude 213.69
Rob Clark Springfield Isotopes 213.53
Andy Hendrick Schnauzers 213.52
Ben Hemmens Blech 213.48
Brian Jenkins Wait Til Next Century! 213.48
Allan Zarse Randolph Street Ringers 213.44
Keith Keith’s Team 212.94
Glenn Dixon Versatile Vermin 212.49
Brom Keifetz Joe Girardi’s WWJD Bracelet 212.42
Nathan Vassallo We Suck 212.21
Don Gensimore Your 2002 Pittsburgh Pirates 212.01
Clinton Bauder Stadium Extortionists 211.96
John Shukie Vandy’s Polar Bears 211.92
Johnny Preyer The Peter Gammons Clubhouse Forces 211.25
Mike Kline the slow and the dead 211.07
Zachary Stein Bicoastal Benders 210.57
Jim Ferguson The Dal Maxvill All-Stars 210.52
Jonathan Wilt The Bill Bergen All Stars 210.41
David Kent Kent’s Klowns 210.24
Ian Bell The LeMasters 210.06
Michael Forgione Coomerama 209.83
Sean Eastham Almost Glue 209.66
Nghia Nguyen Toronto Wow-Is-That-Rafael-Santana-Suiting-Ups 209.42
Dave Winkelman Donkey Punchers 209.27
Jeff Rynott Slhackers 209.27
Jared Cross defensive gems 208.85
Denise Battiato Electrocutioners 208.68
Jason Robar Syd Thrift and Cam Bonifay’s Love Child 208.56
John Hollier The Intangibles 208.54
Ryan Lankhaar Smellypoo Suck Cats 207.75
Thomas Berman Jose Mesa Is A Tar Pit Creature 207.75
JP Kastner The Big Bump VII 207.66
Kevin Greenberg Your 2002 Philadelphia Phillies 207.31
Mike Cuccaro Derek Bell Says Personal Stats Don’t Count 207.17
Kent Clemens Menno Hack 207.15
Adam Escandell The Intangibles 206.84
Ryan Ford Tumwater Misunderestimatables 206.67
Sam Zimmerman

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