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August 31, 2004

Teams: A Critical Guide

In Which A Myth is Shattered

by Steven Goldman

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

Welcome to a writer's world: alphabetically, the Diamondbacks lead off any National League survey, and it's a writer's job to hook you with a hot first paragraph. The problem is, the D'backs are dead in the water, less exciting than road kill. After careful consideration, editorial has declined TEAMS' request to place Atlanta at the top of the survey by listing the Diamondbacks under "Barizona." Still, we never give up trying, so before we get to a careful dissection of the Southwest Serpents, allow TEAMS to regale you with some erotically charged tales of the Baseball Prospectus Groupies!

[…Thinking.]

[...One hour later: still thinking.]

Okay, we're forced to admit that there aren't any Baseball Prospectus Groupies. There aren't any Diamondbacks, either. Thus we turn rapidly to the parturition department, where left-handed-hitting outfielder Josh Kroeger, has played 120 games at Double-A El Paso and Triple-A Tucson and has hit .326/.381/.577 (49 doubles, four triples, 18 home runs, 35 walks). Yeah, he's played in leagues where it's CAO (Colorado All Over), and as such, BP's translations see what he's done as a .246 major-league EQA. Well, we've got to cling to someone to resuscitate this spavined franchise, crippled by proprio motu free-agent acromegaly. GRADE: D

ATLANTA BRAVES