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August 12, 2011

Baseball ProGUESTus

Your Worthless No-Count Friend Texts You Updates from Historically Significant Baseball Games

by Jon Bois

Believe it or not, most of our writers didn't enter the world sporting an @baseballprospectus.com address; with a few exceptions, they started out somewhere else. In an effort to up your reading pleasure while tipping our caps to some of the most illuminating work being done elsewhere on the internet, we'll be yielding the stage once a week to the best and brightest baseball writers, researchers and thinkers from outside of the BP umbrella. If you'd like to nominate a guest contributor (including yourself), please drop us a line.

Jon Bois is an editor for SB Nation and contributes content to Baseball Nation. He is also a co-founder of The Dugout, a long-running series of baseball players cussing at one another in chat rooms. You can tweet at him at @Jon_Bois. Jon lives in Louisville, Kentucky.

September 9th, 1965
Dodger Stadium
Sandy Koufax pitches perfect game

Ok me and schmo are at dodger stadium
You remember schmo right? He was the accordion guy for buttnugget
Buttnugget was that band that used to always play around town. Oh yeah and schmo was that guy you were mad at cause he stayed at our place that one time and he got real messed up and tried to make chocolate milk
For some reason he got a ton of milk in the dishwasher. Haha but he’s cool
But yeah we’re at dodgers game. Me and schmo are gonna catch a home run ball
Wtf nobody is hitting home runs
Is this some kind of forward pass crap where they just havent invented home runs yet
At least this is going by fast. Its already the 6th inning
The pitchers name is sandy
Schmo’s mom’s name is sandy. I keep saying “hey your mom is pitching, hey your mom is a man”
Schmo is pissed
This is the most boring thing i have ever seen
These guys next to us keep talking about a perfect game
It just makes me think of perfect dark. Remember that game? It was awesome
This is the worst baseball game
This is the klobb of baseball games
Ok its the 8th inning now. me and schmo are gonna leave. Freak this crap for real
I gotta find a hardees
Schmo says theres probly no hardees in 1965
God wtf is wrong with the past i hate it
History should be more like the history channel. Aliens and trucks. Not this stupid crap where people eat porridge or whatever all day
What is porridge
 

September 6th, 1995
Camden Yards
Cal Ripken, Jr. breaks consecutive games streak

Hey we’re at camden yards
It looks like this used to be a factory or part of it was or something. Big building in the outfield
Schmo says it use to be a sucky crap factory and there was a horrible accident and sucky crap spilled everywhere
He says that’s how the Orioles were made. Ok he’s just joking nevermind
Cal ripken just took off his hat and waved to everybody. Did you know that he’s bald?
It’s weird that he’s bald. He’s like the john luke picard of baseball
I don’t know why everyone’s so happy that he just played a bunch of games in a row
Good job playing baseball a lot i guess
Then again the longest job i ever had lasted probly like 4 months
I worked at target with schmo. Then one day they told me to work softlines which is folding the clothes and stuff. I was like outty no doubty
If I saw Cal Ripken folding clothes in a target it would be real weird
I would think he was trying to sniff them like some kind of pervert
Hahaha. Schmo just said he’d literally be the iron man
Because he’d iron the clothes
Hahahahahahahahahahahahagaha
 

October 5th, 1927
Yankee Stadium
Game 3 of the 1927 World Series

Helllllllll yeah son we’re gonna see babe ruth hit a home run. Baseball should be just home runs and guys getting punched
It was smart of the yankees to wear black and white. That way it’s basically like color tv all the time for them
Me and schmo have to get wasted for this
Wtf they don’t have beer
Wtf
Wtf
Beer is illegal
This sucks
Schmo says you can get kind of drunk if you smack your temple real hard. Im not gonna do that though
Awesome this one dude sneaked in some stuff
Schmo traded him his ipod for it. Screw the time travel rules i dont give a crap if the nazis start making ipods
Plus this ipod is half broke anyway. The screen is broke and its stuck on a incubus playlist. Gets real old after a while but this 1920s bro might dig it
Whoa this stuff taste nasty cousin
Damn its gets you drunk though
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaam this is like drinking like 7 coors real fast
Htis is the bomb
Pardon me padron me while i burt
intooooo flames
I had enough of hte wold and it poeple mindless gams
Hhhhhhhhhha scmo is freak dacning
I cat wait for babe rut
Woahh ok loa gehrig is up
Hoply siht
Taht guy is jacle;
Whoa that was nuts
Me and schmo just woke up. Everyone’s gone
They said babe ruth hit a home run and we missed it
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well i guess we’ll head back now. We’re almost out of that cryo-fuel crap. Not enough to take too many more trips in the time machine
Well yeah we did have a ton but schmo poured it out because he was trying to make a bong out of it
Wait schmo is saying it took them decades to make this much cryo-fuel. He read about it on cash cab
We kind of used all of it. Dragggg dude
Sorry
Oh yeah and we went in the future too. It turns out everyone was on steroids except for pete orr
Sorry

Related Content:  Cussing

18 comments have been left for this article. (Click to hide comments)

BP Comment Quick Links

ScottyB

"Believe it or not, most of our writers didn't enter the world sporting an @baseballprospectus.com address"

Can we please ditch this line? I know you mean this humorously, but I don't think any reader believes that y'll were minted bp writers at birth.

I love the guest columns, though. Keep 'em coming

Aug 12, 2011 06:45 AM
rating: 2
 
herron

Wtf they don’t have beer
Wtf
Wtf
Beer is illegal
This sucks


Hilarious

Aug 12, 2011 07:48 AM
rating: 2
 
kmbart

The only thing funnier than this is that I took my 4-year-old son to see the Phillies play the Giants in August of 1990; the Phils were dogmeat and they were just playing out the string (yeah, in AUGUST), but I wanted the little guy to learn to love baseball like his old man (never did happen). About 15,000 at Veteran's Stadium, nice sunny day, nobody except us and a pair of young couples in the entire upper deck. In the 7th inning, one of the young men says to the friends "Hey, let's get out of here before the traffic gets bad", and off they go. Did I mention that it was a Saturday (i.e. no traffic) and that Terry Mulholland was in the process of throwing the first no-hitter in Veteran's Stadium history? Oh, and that except for a Charlie Hayes error it would have been a perfecto? "Hey Schmo, let's beat the traffic - this game's boring".

Aug 12, 2011 09:19 AM
rating: 2
 
BP staff member Jason Parks
BP staff

This is awesome.

Aug 12, 2011 09:31 AM
 
raygu1

agreed. we need more Jon Bois.

Aug 12, 2011 09:38 AM
rating: 2
 
BP staff member Ben Lindbergh
BP staff

Also, there needs to be a blog devoted to nothing but these.

Aug 12, 2011 09:46 AM
 
CRP13

+1

Aug 12, 2011 11:16 AM
rating: 4
 
R.A.Wagman

Yes. Would be a go-to read

Aug 13, 2011 11:27 AM
rating: 0
 
dianagram

"It’s weird that he’s bald. He’s like the john luke picard of baseball"

==============

I guffawed ....

Aug 12, 2011 11:33 AM
rating: 3
 
Dave Holgado

Loved all of this, but the Incubus lyric was where I busted a gut.

Aug 12, 2011 11:43 AM
rating: 3
 
Lespaul1

"good job playing baseball a lot I guess" - Awesome.

Aug 13, 2011 07:31 AM
rating: 1
 
mkapellas

Great idea. Great execution, right down to the punctuation.
"Whoa this stuff taste nasty cousin," might become my new go to line.
This is hilarious.

Aug 13, 2011 11:21 AM
rating: 0
 
jonbois

Thanks, y'all. Really glad you like it. And thanks once again to Ben and the B-P staff who gave me the honor of guesting here to begin with.

Aug 13, 2011 11:44 AM
rating: 5
 
Nathan

This is like watching a game with Lyle from Achewood.

Aug 13, 2011 21:07 PM
rating: 1
 
vertumnus

Schmo is Todd T. Squirrel.

Aug 13, 2011 21:41 PM
rating: 0
 
lynchjm

The Orioles weren't bad in 1995. Seems as some of those texts are from the future

Aug 15, 2011 10:59 AM
rating: 0
 
greenengineer

Makes me miss Bob Hertzel

Aug 15, 2011 14:48 PM
rating: 0
 
surveyzas
(119)

one of my all-time favorite pieces published on BP. brilliant.

Aug 17, 2011 07:02 AM
rating: 0
 
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<< Previous Article
Premium Article Divide and Conquer, AL... (08/12)
<< Previous Column
Baseball ProGUESTus: M... (08/05)
Next Column >>
Baseball ProGUESTus: T... (08/19)
Next Article >>
Prospectus Hit and Run... (08/12)

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