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Prospectus Hit List for September 11



by Matthew Kory

Hit List for September 9 Hit List for September 14
Teams are ordered based on Adjusted Hit List Factor, a computer generated number, and the author isn't responsible for the order of the teams.

In Fargo, six or seven kids read the Hit List in a strip mall. I thought they were bored out of their skulls, but it turns out they were having a ball. Uh huh.

RkTmWLW1W2W3HLFAHLFWin Div%Win WC%Playoff%1-Day7-Day
1

79

60

88.1

84.4

84.5

.604

.623

72.5%

27.4%

99.9%

-0.0%

0.0%

Losing two of three in Boston might be expected for your dad’s Blue Jays, but not for these Blue Jays. I mean, they still did it, but it wasn’t expected!
2

76

64

81.8

84.3

84.4

.583

.602

84.6%

10.6%

95.2%

0.2%

1.4%

In order to prepare for Jered Weaver’s fastball, the Astros are being forced to stay up all night and then attend a two hour lecture on 19th century English literature in the morning.
3

77

61

77.9

77.1

77.4

.560

.580

27.5%

70.8%

98.3%

-0.1%

0.3%

The bad news is the Yankees might not have Mark Teixeira or Nathan Eovaldi for the rest of the season. The even worse news is that that’s bad news.
4

83

56

78.6

74.8

75.0

.560

.580

100.0%

0.0%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Johnny Cueto hasn’t been quite what the Royals have wanted so far, but give him a chance to ruin the season in the playoffs before you hate him forever, Royals fans.
5

80

59

78.3

86.2

84.4

.592

.572

99.7%

0.0%

99.7%

0.1%

2.2%

Did you know if you type too fast the team becomes the Doggers? That will lead to even stranger Hit List comments than usual!
6

88

52

83.5

76.9

77.2

.581

.562

86.6%

13.4%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The Cardinals have lost six of their last eight, but for anyone who is worried I urge you to look up the phrase “get them out of the way now.” Or not. It’s kind self-explanatory.
7

69

70

69.6

79.1

79.8

.535

.555

0.0%

17.7%

17.7%

5.5%

9.7%

Two home runs for Michael Brantley last night, who clearly doesn’t understand why ruining rallies is bad.
8

83

56

78.7

78.9

77.9

.573

.553

11.2%

88.7%

99.9%

-0.1%

0.4%

Losing to Milwaukee in 13 innings is like getting an extension on a paper you really need to do well on and then screwing it up anyway.
9

80

58

73.9

77.6

77.2

.559

.540

2.1%

97.1%

99.2%

-0.5%

4.3%

It’s a single-admission double header tomorrow for the Cubs. Just like Mr. Cub said, “Let’s play two! And charge for both!”
10

79

61

77.9

78.6

76.9

.558

.538

98.8%

0.0%

98.8%

1.2%

7.4%

Bartolo Colon set the all-time record for most consecutive scoreless innings (31) by a pitcher 42 or older. He also set a record for the longest fart by a pitcher over 40 which lasted from the second batter of the third inning clear through the seventh.
11

68

71

68.5

74.2

74.6

.513

.533

0.0%

3.1%

3.1%

0.2%

-5.9%

Has anyone heard from the Rays recently? They were supposed to be home by 10.
12

71

68

74.8

77.4

75.1

.537

.517

1.2%

0.5%

1.7%

-0.7%

-9.6%

For Halloween, Matt Williams' kids are reportedly planning to dress up as Mike Rizzo.
13

72

68

76.2

75.9

75.8

.536

.516

0.3%

0.4%

0.6%

0.0%

-4.6%

The Giants are enjoying their season off and gearing up for another title run next year.
14

67

72

72.4

67.1

67.9

.494

.514

0.0%

0.5%

0.5%

0.1%

-0.2%

We keep hearing how great a manager Buck Showalter is, and once the Orioles are officially eliminated from the playoffs, he’ll face his greatest challenge: making the playoffs.
15

60

80

69.9

72.2

73.9

.493

.513

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Remember when the A’s had Yoenis Cespedes and Josh Donaldson? It was like a 2015 All Star team in 2013.
16

70

69

68.5

65.4

66.7

.487

.507

1.8%

8.5%

10.3%

0.7%

-3.9%

Andrew Heaney has sold 10 percent of his future earnings as stock to be bought by fans. Also for sale, 10 percent of Andrew Heaney’s dinner: several bites of pot roast, some peas, and what will be some incredibly stale bread.
17

66

73

67.3

68.4

67.9

.485

.505

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

-0.1%

0.0%

Signing Rob Gronkowski to play left field is not part of the Red Sox off-season plan. It should be, but it isn’t.
18

73

66

65.6

64.2

64.7

.481

.501

13.5%

34.4%

48.0%

-10.4%

-8.8%

The Rangers have been outscored by 37 runs, or 32 short of nice.
19

68

73

62.4

68.2

69.5

.475

.495

0.1%

1.2%

1.3%

0.7%

0.9%

Nelson Cruz hit his 40th homer and Felix Hernandez won his 17th game. Looking forward to the playoffs, you guys!
20

72

67

68.3

59.7

60.6

.469

.489

0.0%

25.4%

25.4%

3.3%

6.3%

Miguel Sano is David Ortiz. Luckily the Twins are run by a different group of people now! Sort of!
21

66

72

64.2

61.7

62.8

.461

.481

0.0%

0.4%

0.4%

0.0%

0.3%

Asked if he’d consider re-signing with the White Sox, Jeff Samardzija said “Sam, are yah kidding?”
22

67

73

71.2

69.3

68.9

.493

.473

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

-0.0%

The Diamondbacks are going to miss Clayton Kershaw this weekend and I’m sure they’d be happy about that if it mattered.
23

64

76

59.5

63.4

64.8

.450

.469

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

-0.1%

Rumor has it that Brad Ausmus will be replaced after the season proving once again that baseball strategy revolving around telling your players to “be more handsome” is doomed to failure.
24

67

74

65.6

63.5

63.2

.460

.440

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

-0.1%

Matt Kemp has 11 stolen bases this year. So, uh, yup.
25

58

81

63.5

66.0

66.2

.456

.437

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Joey Votto’s was thrown out after his request for time was not granted by the home plate umpire who mistakenly thought Votto was attempting to steal his watch.
26

62

78

64.4

61.8

62.2

.447

.428

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Jonathan Lucroy might miss the rest of the season. Brewers fans should be so lucky.
27

59

81

63.0

63.2

62.1

.442

.422

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Will [the Marlins] keep the manager? Will he move to the GM’s seat? Will he sell hot dogs in section 230? Will he catch and dress as the mascot between innings? These are all questions Jeffrey Loria is likely asking himself.
28

58

82

59.6

57.2

55.5

.411

.392

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Another homer, the 38th of the season, for Nolan Arenado. Imagine how many he’d have if the Rockies were a real baseball team! Actually, it'd probably be about the same, wouldn't it?
29

56

85

51.6

52.9

52.7

.378

.359

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The Braves game was called after it rained so hard the field was underwater. There’s a metaphor here someplace.
30

54

86

51.2

48.8

48.3

.361

.343

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

[comes out from under bed] Is he gone?