Deep, But Playable: Baseball is My Medicine

Look, the offseason was terrible. We all sit around, stare into our computer windows, and argue about friggin lists. We’re all mad because there’s less daylight, no baseball, everything itches, and we have the cold sweats because that’s what withdrawal is like in movies and television shows.

Spring training is nothing. I know, I watched it every damn day, and it did not cut it. But baseball is back now, and we’re all easing into that familiar rhythm. They’ll pull the rug out from under us soon enough, when the day comes that there’s no afternoon baseball (Wednesday's Twins-Royals action was bad enough, frankly), and we’ll all break out in hives, but it’ll be alright.

But with the glorious return of baseball comes something else: the return of advertisements. And specifically, because baseball and the people who watch it are dying, or at least severely afflicted, the return of advertisements for various medications.

The thing about these medications is that whoever names them has zero respect for everyone involved in the entire process. The mere fact that someone can name a product Trumenba or Myrbetriq or Keytruda and expect a voiceover person to talk about it and the multitude of side effects it causes in serious tones and then for us to listen to it and take it as anything close to legitimate is just offensive. And they know it. And it still happens.

So, why have you read three paragraphs about baseball, medicine, and television ads? Because we here at Baseball Prospectus know what to do when there are silly names afoot.

Name (what medication addresses): Xeljanz Taltz (Arthritis, Psoriasis)
Position: 2B/3B from Curacao
Profile: Big power, solid defense, no approach at the plate. Basically the second coming of Jonathan Schoop.

Name (what medication addresses): Trintellix Anoro (Depression, COPD)
Position: OF
Profile: Five-tool center fielder who has a good chance to outgrow the position but enough power to profile in right. Instinctual player.

Name (what medication addresses): Exelon Invokana (Dementia, Diabetes)
Position: RHP
Profile: College performer, has a sinker and some command. Tops out at Double-A after a transition to the bullpen doesn’t add some needed velocity.

Name (what medication addresses): Enbrel Cosentyx (Arthritis, Psoriasis)
Position: LHP
Profile: One and a half pitches, but the one is upper 90s. Three cups of coffee in the majors over a seven-year career.

Name (what medication addresses): Kerydin Neulasta (Toenail Fungus, Cancer)
Position: 1B
Profile: Beefy. Raw power, average bat speed, grooved swing. Swings over soft stuff. No mobility, bad glove. Enough power all of that might not matter.

Name (what medication addresses): Orencia Premarin (Arthritis, Painful Sex)
Position: SS
Profile: No-doubter at the six. Big arm and plays with flare. Speed plays in the field and on the basepaths. Hit tool reliant, but can show raw average power. Plays down in-game.

Name (what medication addresses): Stelara Contrave (Psoriasis, Weight Loss)
Position: CF
Profile: Long and lean; can fly on the bases and cover huge swathes of ground in center; Impact glove. Leadoff style profile at the plate. Bat could get knocked out of his hands by major league pitching.

Name (what medication addresses): Crestor Farxiga (Cholesterol, Diabetes)
Position: C
Profile: Plus arm, bad release. Has average power, bars out to get it. Ugly swing, loves jumping first pitch FBs