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HACKING MASS |
Team-by-Team Results |
2000 Rosters |
Results By Position

It’s that time of year again: the leaves are turning, the chill of autumn is in the air, and the stiffest of the stiff
are being recognized for a job vigorously done. Here are the results of
this year’s HACKING MASS extravaganza.

Roundup

Every season has a surprise, and in 2000 the surprise was none other than HM poster boy Rey Ordonez himself.
Ordonez’ early season exit from competition, and from racking up at-bats that ended in complete failure, was too much
for any top team to overcome. In a competition like this, you need production from every position to succeed, and St.
Rey just didn’t get it done in 2000.

Our first place winner this year, Eugene Hung and his Designated Whiffers, rode the veteran leadership and can-do
attitude of outfielder/MVP Marquis Grissom to the title. Congrats, Eugene: keep exhibiting this kind of eye
for talent and the question is not if Cam Bonifay will come calling, but when.

Second place went to seasoned veteran Eric Roush, and in third
was the first of Brom Keifetz’s many entries. Just as a really early FYI: next year, we take all multiple entries
and throw them in the mulcher, so be warned.

Normally, we have a special mention for the Top Team That Didn’t Pick St. Rey, but since none of the top teams
had Ordonez this season, we’ll make note of the top team that had Ordonez starting at shortstop: Mendoza’s Disciples
finished in fifth place, getting stellar production from every other lineup spot. Arik Florimonte, this is indeed
a proud moment for you and yours.

Your 2000 HACKING MASS All Star Team:

  • C: Mike Matheny (55.96 ESPN)
  • 1B: Ron Coomer (39.51)
  • 3B: Vinny "The Stick" Castilla (80.83)
  • MI: Alex Gonzalez* (102.43)
  • OF: Grissom (102.62)

Please visit us in February, when we kick off HACKING MASS 2001 with

  • free downloadable cookies,
  • lots of blinking/marqueed text courtesy of your friends at AOL and Microsoft,
  • and especially lucid guest commentary by human pickle and Baseball Prospectus
    columnist emeritus Hunter S. Thompson**!


Team-by-Team Results

Team Name Score
1. Designated Whiffers 327.20
2. "He’s Stiff, Jim." 322.80
3. The Little Things That Win Games 313.72
4. Being Kevin Polcovich 308.85
5. Mendoza’s Disciples 282.32
6. Randy Smith’s Clubhouse Leaders 277.80
7. Snagglepuss 274.92
8. Delorians 257.41
9. My Rey of Sunshine 253.02
10. 31337 H4x0Rs 252.87
11. Stop the bus and let my brother Jack off 252.70
12. We Need a Shutout to Win 249.68
13. Rotten to the Core 247.92
14. ravens 246.21
15. Commissioner Pete Rose and New York City Mayor John Rocker 244.87
16. Iller B’s 241.27
17. The Real Killer B’s 241.27
18. A cloudy day 237.70
19. The Philadelphia Phillies and A Few Brewers  237.63
20. Subtraction by Addition 236.18
21. Limp Batskit 235.77
22. "Gamers, all" 231.67
23. Joe Girardi’s WWJD Bracelet 231.67
24. The Jedi Mind Trick and if that doesn’t work Blackmail ‘Em Society 231.47
25. The Utterly Anemics 226.98
26. Even the Twins could beat these guys 225.88
27. The Phantom Menaces 225.69
28. "These guys do the "microscopic things" that help you win games. We think. " 223.47
29. Mr. Clean’s Reluctant Enemas 223.45
30. Emenius Stiffus 219.13
31. Milwaukee Brewers 218.88
32. It’s just too easy to suck with St Rey 218.40
33. Milwaukee Brewers 2000 216.95
34. Future Ex-Cubs 215.16
35. I _KNEW_ we shouldn’t have hired Sterling Hitchcock as hitting coach 214.90
36. Junior’s Jokers 213.64
37. Guaranteed Money is the Key 212.86
38. "Oh My God, They Killed Offense! You Bastards!" 210.15
39. The Five Tools 209.59
40. Millennium Stiffs 208.53
41. Taking the ‘pro’ out of ‘prospect’ 208.21
42. Shooting for 4th Place Yet Again 205.98
43. Good thing Harry’s dead… 205.83
44. Ninja Turtle Buzz 203.38
45. Bowa Constrictors 202.07
46. Kingston Quintent 199.79
47. Pray for Rain 199.23
48. "My Brogna Has A First Name, It’s R-E-E-K-O" 198.68
49. Smelly Green Sputum 198.47
50. Tampa Bay Devil Rays 198.47
51. The Loved Ones 197.05
52. UK Subs 196.80
53. waY2K 195.96
54. "Pitiful Little Pieces of Crap – New, Improved Version" 194.74
55. Rey Ordonez’ Inglorious Stiffs featuring Brian L. Hunter 194.61
56. Night of the Slumposaurus Peoples 193.11
57. South Boulder Omega Males 193.04
58. "God, the Devil & Bob(by Bonilla)" 191.94
59. The Five Tools 190.69
60. Cream Filling 187.96
61. Sammy Khalifa Fan Club 186.94
62. More Suckage than a Hoover in a Black Hole 185.14
63. Davy Lopes’ All-Stars 183.85
64. The Unnaturals 180.09
65. The Wreck of the Mike Fitzgeralds 179.18
66. Black 5 Fingers 178.72
67. Woody Woodward’s Golfing Buddies 177.79
68. Balboni’s Kids 176.41
69. Jerry Springer’s Body Guards 175.22
70. More hackers than a quit-smoking convention 175.22
71. "South Krap: Smaller, Shorter, and Severely Cut" 174.86
72. Jenkins’ Juggernaut 174.44
73. Rapp’s Dogs 174.21
74. The True Hero’s 174.12
75. Cordial Boys 173.72
76. Kansas City Royals 173.30
77. I Wish I Were John Olerud 170.43
78. Small markets can’t compete 170.17
79. Great Team Chemistry 170.12
80. Curtis Goodwin Rules! 169.81
81. Fat Toads 169.57
82. Stiffs R Us 169.28
83. The Midwest Triangle 167.87
84. Mick Kelleher Fan Club 166.50
85. We keep Jaime Navarro in the league. 165.20
86. Moist Towelettes 163.17
87. eLiTe HaCkeRz 162.32
88. Padres Cleanup Hitters 161.15
89. The Love Hack 159.92
90. Senator Robert Torricelli 159.88
91. The Blank-o’s 159.62
92. Mike Private Benjamins 157.22
93. Bubblegoose Boogers — mmmph! 156.28
94. Punch Like Judy 156.26
95. Don’s Sucky Team 156.12
96. Pete Rose’s Bookies 154.66
97. The Winless Wonders 154.61
98. The *what* is juiced? 153.37
99. Computer Geeks Can Hack Better Than These Guys! 153.11
100. Rt. 13 Roadkill 153.08
101. Springfield Isotopes 152.46
102. Corps Pus Crusty 151.63
103. The Mighty Slugs 151.59
104. Grizzly Dohs! 151.19
105. No Rey I’m gonna win without him 150.14
106. "Bats of Meringue (Stiff, But O So Weak)" 148.98
107. Blazing Saddle-Sores 147.67
108. Doh! 143.53
109. "Hack, Flail, and Fail" 142.83
110. Belliard’s Avengers 142.23
111. Marty’s Mashers 141.65
112. The Dead Sea Squirrels 141.63
113. Belgian Wafflers 139.48
114. What are these guys doing in the majors?? 139.18
115. I’d never pick these players elsewhere 138.92
116. Tofu Burger 137.12
117. These Boots Ain’t Made For Walkin’ 137.06
118. Hapeville Smokies 134.05
119. Tracewski’s Sluggers 132.27
120. Chicks dig the weak comebacker 131.94
121. The Downside to Minimalism 130.69
122. Reconstituted Ostrich II 129.20
123. But their *moxie* alone will drive runs home 128.14
124. Zeroes of Ground Zero 127.45
125. The Dead Sea Squirrels 126.86
126. Seeing Eye Dogs 126.34
127. Bonifay’s Blunders 123.15
128. Minnesota Twins 122.71
129. E-2 Brutus? 122.52
130. Garvey’s Kids 121.91
131. Bodamer 121.80
132. Dr. Bunson Honeydew’s Clubhouse Chemists 121.10
133. eric’s errors 119.80
134. NOAACounts 118.40
135. Hunter’s Heroes 117.84
136. The PTNBLs Mark II 116.26
137. Sbuc Ogacihc 112.43
138. Flash’s Flailers 109.55
139. Rock Hard Rejects 108.82
140. Old & In The Way 108.61
141. The Billy Joe Robidoux’s 107.98
142. Urinators 107.70
143. The Great Blewdinis 106.96
144. Oakland Z’s 102.76
145. The Cesar Geronimo School of Hitting 101.22
146. Quicker Picker Uppers 100.93
147. We Use Straws 100.62
148. Hudson Falls Battlin’ Sloths 100.45
149. Stiffer than Al Gore 100.35
150. Vomitous Varmints 98.87
151. Teal Sox 97.35
152. Copper Throwers 95.39
153. Broadway’s Bums 95.33
154. Sentimental Hygienists 95.32
155. Doo Doo pile 94.97
156. Ham’s Bone(head)s 94.46
157. Imsuck Whiffersnappers 94.02
158. Gammons’ Boyz 93.65
159. The AntiOPS 91.76
160. Newport Chum Line 91.43
161. "I Like Rico Brogna, Leave Me Alone!" 90.72
162. Strikeout Masters 88.60
163. Sal Maglie’s Goatees 88.42
164. Impeachable Offense II 88.26
165. Bloody Wankers 87.56
166. Damn Those So-So Garcias 87.00
167. Peter Gammons/Andrew Jackson Fan Club 84.83
168. The Humanity 84.22
169. Florida Marlins 82.82
170. Stupid Ordonez Rule 81.29
171. The Spirit of ’08 80.85
172. The Ed Lynch Mob 80.85
173. SNIFF (Strawberry’s Nasal Idea For Frills) 79.19
174. Raj’s Rockies’ Rejects 77.87
175. Dave’s Disasters 77.64
176. Iller B’s (2nd team) 75.16
177. Buck Martinez All Stars 71.81
178. Hell hath no fury like a belt-high fastball scorned 71.55
179. Witty Team Name 70.61
180. Cordial Boys! 69.14
181. Now hitting from the ladies’ tees!!!! 66.93
182. Ya6le Bombers 64.71
183. Atlanta Cowards 60.64
184. We Sport Good-Wood 60.09
185. Kansas’ Best Wiffers 59.08
186. The PTNBLs 57.27
187. the Lethargic Lads 56.91
188. "born to be bad, real bad" 54.05
189. Deadweights anonymous 53.21
190. Tim Blackwell’s Revenge 52.92
191. Ofers 51.53
192. These Guys Suck 48.75
193. Hershey Highwaymen 45.07
194. Baltimore Orioles 2001 Free Agent Signees 44.38
195. Shea Stadium Stasis 44.28
196. Stever’s Underachievers 42.65
197. Drownin Serfs 41.24
198. Pine Boxes 36.82
199. Pusillaneous Twits 35.71
200. The Hope We Sucks 34.37
201. Four Autopsies and a Funeral 32.63
202. Gold Glove Bias 31.85
203. Gary Sheffield 4 President 28.03
204. SpareToFair 27.77
205. Lubbock Raiding Red Raiders 11.74
206. Smell The Glove 5.32
207. The Baltimore Orioles -6.43
208. raising mendoza -10.76
209. Unselfish White Guys -15.73
210. Ugly Sticks -16.42
211. Glamour Grit -30.41
212. Tim McCarver’s Greatest Calls 2 (The Other None of Them) -36.69
213. The VomitPigs -48.48
214. Endor Scum -131.87
215. Baltimorons -133.17
216. "Luv Dem O’s, Hon" -134.38
217. Los que No pueden ser ‘stiff’ si tienen la esposa de Chuck Finley en sus pantalones -552.61
218. New Pilots -590.40
219. Testing -598.50
220. The Browns -658.12
221. I Eat Beets -698.07
222. Pete Roses Wannabe Hall of Famers -704.90
223. London Maulers -762.71
224. Actual good players -767.76

* the really young one who plays in Florida. Not to be confused with the less young free agent who thinks he’s worth
six million per for a long-term deal, despite the fact that he produces less than half the ESPN of the Florida
model.

** talent subject to change without notice. No refunds or exchanges. Your mileage may vary.


HACKING MASS |
Team-by-Team Results |
2000 Rosters |
Results By Position

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