Scouting Report on Your Team’s 34th Round Draft Pick

By: Patrick Dubuque

Report Date: 6/12/2017

Bats: Right

Throws: Right

Height: 6’0”

Weight: 180

Mechanics: Small frame, physically maxed out; Slide step only, small leg kick, relaxed motion; Command suffers from severe crossfire; arm action that makes you remember him as if he were wearing an elbow-patched tweed blazer; changes arm slot depending on mood, weather conditions, political climate; slow worker, slow to the plate, slow to emerge from dugout between innings; head movement during weight transfer; follow-through betrays defeated posture; introverted.

Pitch Type

Present Grade

Future Grade





Fastball sits 89-90, touching 91; strong deception despite being mostly flat; many batters late on the ball after finding themselves daydreaming of dew-soaked pastures mid-delivery




Show me pitch; limited movement; basically just the fastball thrown with somewhat more indifference




Strongest pitch, though delivery is markedly different from other pitches; excellent use of tunnels, as ball seems to give up right before reaching the plate.


Difficult to scout: posted solid numbers in college, but coaches and teammates had difficulty remembering him in interviews, and recaps often forgot to include his statistics. After watching his appearances, you can’t stop thinking about your retirement portfolio, or how you need to replace those soft planks in your deck, or the words to “Swan Swan H.” Makeup a concern: personality is amiable enough, but when high-fiving teammates, leaves them with slight doubt about whether they deserve congratulations. Has trouble making eye contact, even when looking people directly in the eyes. Tattoo of an office chair on right arm; no one has asked what it represents.

OFP: 30, ROOGY relief depth

Realistic: You will never see or think of this person ever again. He will live a quiet life as a kind, unremarkable man, once divorced, twice on local news broadcasts. He will die surrounded by family.

Sufjan Stevens Presents: The Pittsburgh Pirates

By: Nathan Bishop


Release Date: September 14, 2017

Duration: 01:12:08

Track Listing

1. The Flying Dutchman, or, For The Children I Must Recuse Myself From Your Product, or, Ty’s Bane

2. Through Space And Time I Doc Ellis Watched, As I Myself Threw A No-Hitter, And It Was Wild

3. On Gerald, Forbes Field Groundskeeper, Who Gave His Life At The Battle of the Bulge

4. The Great Grinding Wheel of Capitalism, or, The Burghers, Burglars of the Alleghenys

5. Wherein True Greatness Is Revealed: A Story of Hurricanes, Compassion, Heroism, And Precisely 3,000 Hits

6. The Ballad of Andy Jerpe, Who Caught Bill Mazeroski’s 1960 World Series Home Run, And Then Lost It

7. That Which Jay Bell Hath Seen

8. Jason Kendall’s Ankle as Metaphor For The Current State of Our Nation, or, My God I Am Going to Throw Up Now

9. Excuse Me Dave Parker, But May I Bum A Smoke?

10. Hey We Didn’t Hear That Song The First 10,000 Times, Can You Play It Again? Did You Say You Are Family?

11. Somewhere On A Bus In Southern Indiana, Jeff Clement Ponders Life, And Begins To Look To A Time After Baseball

12. Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh It Is Sid Bream, Who Has Come to Slide On Me, Past Me, Through Me. He Has Stolen My Heart, For He Is Safe, And I Am Not

13. PNC, or, Who Knew So Much Yellow Could Look So Good?

14. To Andy Van Slyke, Who To This Day Exists In The Cool Shadow of Greater Men: I Too Am Mediocre, And I Forgive You

15. The Many Thoughts of Johnny Cueto, As The Ball Fell From His Grasp Amidst The Roar

16. A Lovely Friday Evening Out With Ralph Kiner and Ava Gardner, Who Went to Dinner and the Movies, and then Parted Ways Amicably

17. Salomon Torres’ Travels the Roads of Korea, Which Somehow Stop in Pittsburgh

18. From The Upper Deck of Three Rivers, A Missive From Frank, Who is Watching His Team Lose 7-2, and Trash Keeps Blowing Over Him

19. Well What Do You Suppose We Should Do With All These Dreadlock Hats?

20. Barry Lamar Bonds

Thank you for reading

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Nathan, you *get* Pirate Township. (We're not a "Nation", maybe a County...)
The Sufjan tracklist is perfect. He really should write an album about each ball club