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The following article was part of Baseball Prospectus’ April Fool’s Day content for 2004.

CHANGES AT THE TOP


“Our decision to let Joe Torre explore other employment options was based on long, thoughtful deliberations, and an attempt to acknowledge Joe’s desire to spend more time with his family. It most definitely had nothing to do with the fact that he took our team half-way across the globe to split a series with the f—ing Devil Rays.”

George Steinbrenner, Yankees owner, after splitting the opening series, 1-1, in Japan with the Devil Rays


“I mean, seriously. That’s like the Globetrotters splitting a series with the Washington Generals. Why do you think the league paired us against the Rays to begin with? For competition? Riiiight.”

–Steinbrenner

THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL


“Scalping? I’m not sure I’m familiar with the term. Could you clarify, please?”

Benjamin Matasar, Chief Executive Officer, Wrigley Field Premium Ticket Services


“Oh, c’mon. We’re just charging what the market will bear. No one’s holding a gun to these people’s heads. If they want the Chicago Cub Experience, that’s what it costs. If they want s—, they can go downtown to that s—hole, Comiskey.”

–Matasar


“Not to demean the effort the White Sox have made to be a competitive, profitable franchise. We meant that last comment in the nicest way.”

–Matasar


BACKLASH


“I’m so sick of people saying that ‘scouting’s the thing of the past,’ or that ‘you’ve got to analyze with numbers.’ This is a franchise that’s done everything the ‘old school way’ since the beginning, and we’ve won almost 400 games since coming into the league. But do the statheads ever acknowledge that? Or is that not enough of a ‘sample size’ or something?”

Chuck LaMar, Devil Rays general manager


“Statistics can mean whatever you want them to mean. There’s no accountability there–that’s the problem.”

–LaMar


“See, there you go again! Four-hundred’s a lot, but you try to make it sound like that’s not very good. How many games have you won, huh? How many? …That’s what I thought.”

–LaMar, after being informed that his team has won only 39% of its games since 1998

WALKING TALL


“It’s funny, for so long I was so resistant to this idea of ‘taking pitches.’ But someone explained it to me the other day… and you know, it makes a lot of sense. What the hell was I thinking?”

Dusty Baker, Cubs manager


“And pitch counts: man alive! Why didn’t someone tell me about these things before? I really could have saved that Gary Huckabay some ulcers.”

–Baker


“Oh man, things are going to be different now, I swear. I’ve got a whole new outlook on life.”

–Baker

THE REST


“I think I’ll have some better opportunities elsewhere. I mean, look at my performance record. I hit well over .300 in Tampa last year and I’ve always been good with the glove. I think when it’s all said and done, people are going to talk about Ozzie and then me. All you GMs, my phone is on. Give me a call.”

Rey Ordonez, vagabond shortstop


“First you send Bush Senior to intestinally assault Prime Minister Miyazawa, and now you send the Devil Rays? Is there no end to your barbarism?”

Junichiro Koizumi, Japanese Prime Minister, on MLB’s “Overseas Opener” series


“After reviewing tapes of Mr. Ponson’s performance, this committee is appalled that Major League Baseball has not done more to prevent the abuse of pizza and pork rinds.”

James Sensenbrenner, R-Wisconsin


“I’ll grant you that my volume can be a little high at times, that I can be abrasive, demanding, tyrannical, megalomaniacal. I do have my moments. But that Bowa dude–he’s over the top.”

Napoleon Bonaparte, French dictator and warmonger


“I don’t like that Valjean’s writing very much.”

Joe Morgan, ESPN commentator and Hall of Fame second baseman, on Les Miserables


“Welcome to Chotchkie’s.”

Bill Singer, former special assistant to the New York Mets

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