We've got an extremely long way to go today, so I'm going to skip some forced framing device about a record exec trying to find the next Macklemore, and I'm going to skip the long explanation of how I'm not ripping off Grant Brisbee's amazing MLB Power Rankings series from a couple years ago. No framing device. And I am ripping it off. We'll survive, I hope.
What this is is an attempt to subcategorize a category of music that you probably didn't realize existed: Baseball Rap. I found a rap song for every MLB team. I listened to those songs, multiple times. And I've ranked them, here, from worst to best. As you scroll down, you will see that they are also grouped by subcategory. This is because the subcategories are themselves the driving hierarchical force. The best white guy doing fake rap, as like a joke, is still worse than the worst college kid trying sincerely to make something.
Quick disclaimer: Sometimes there's profanity, and an occasional slur. Be ready.
The extremely bad ideas
30. White Sox
Description: Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella engage in a rap battle over which side of Chicago has the better Chevy dealerships. "But Sam," you say, "why isn't this under the Cubs section?" Because Lou Piniella rap battles Guillen to straight-up death.
Actual YouTube comment: can't spell whenï»¿ your flustered ehh?
Description: Animated cat raps about Albert Pujols under guise of reporting news. Cat raps like church youth group leader would if he swallowed helium and tried to freestyle.
Actual YouTube comment: No comments have been left for this video.
Souvenir: "My name is Tom Bropaw and I'm here to say, Albert Pujols has seen better days."
Description: Rap goes awry.
Actual YouTube comment: Go Cubs!
Harry Caray used to announce the seventh-inning stretch/
But we miss him so/
But we got other people to fill in
Description: Craiglist ad for couch gets out of hand.
Actual YouTube comment: Mets are the skum of baseball. Gotta love Ghea stadium in Flushingï»¿ NY.
Souvenir: None, really. Not that bad!
White People Doing Fake Rap, As Like A Joke
Description: "morning freak show" radio duo record joke song about Pirates quest for .500; sample entire video from Tom Green Show.
Actual YouTube comment: Went to World Series with pirates on 2k11 on Xboxï»¿ I put when we win a games
Souvenir: Joylessly artificial made-for-GIF camera shots that I refuse to GIF
Description: Sincerity of slow jam questioned
Actual YouTube comment: now we (the braves) got justin upton andï»¿ san fransico won the nl west and the world series
24. Blue Jays
Description: Canadian blonde girl sends up rap genre by using profane and violent imagery that might be considered discordant with her Canadian blondeness.
Actual YouTube comment: bestï»¿ muic video on youtube!
Description: Discriminated-against subgroup reappropriates the symbols of its oppression.
Actual YouTube comment: honestlyï»¿ this sucks i can play a better song with my dick
Souvenir: "The song's title is occasionally spelled 'How Ya Doin'?' or 'How Ya Doing?,' but the actual name Haya Doin'? is spelled out by Joe Balls during the song."
Description: Rap about Texas Rangers sounds exactly like rap about Texas Rangers probably would sound like.
Actual YouTube comment: Badassï»¿ song
Took the express right up to the top/
just like in Japan where bullet trains done stop/
You know about those? No? Well yeah you do/
but when I say Yu I mean Darvish that's who."
Description: Over Super Mario beat, Houston superfan raps about the Astros who "always be gettin' that Wild Card," and proves once and for all that he owns a cigar.
Actual YouTube comment: **** u
20, 19. Dodgers, Giants (shared rap battle)
Description: Slumber party gets cray.
Actual YouTube comment: We legitï»¿ we raw we deserve a blumpkin
Description: Trevor Bauer names all of his teammates.
Actual YouTube comment: hey everybody this so called idiot Sherwin stern says Trevor Bauer is a cry babyï»¿ and not good a all. here is the name of the video "Trevor Bauer is a big cry baby", visit him and say your thoughts
This is how we do it/
with beauty we be moving
17. Red Sox
Description: Eventually gets homophobic, obviously.
Actual YouTube comment: Mostly the guy himself, saying offensive things about other commenters.
Souvenir: "We got a player from an Indian tribe/that's Jacoby and he will turn eyes/His tribe had to run from Yankees/Now he steals things from the Yankees."
Minnesota Rap Scene
Description: Literally the two best rappers in Minnesota are at the top of their game in this, the biggest Minnesota rap song in Minnesota rap history.
Actual YouTube comment: No comments
I live in Wisconsin but I am a Twins fan/
When I want to see a game we take the minivan.
(Minivan y'all. Minivan.)
Description: "This Is Why We Hot" repurposed for ode to Atlanta Braves; group of emcees rap about individual strengths and team unity and the racist tendencies of mob rule.
Actual YouTube comment: For those whoï»¿ are confused by the mention of "Roy Kimbrel", no, he didn't get his name wrong. That's Rookie Of the Year (ROY) Craig Kimbrel.
Description: "Black and Yellow" repurposed for KC Royals KC Royals KC Royals KC Royals.
Actual YouTube comment: nothing in thisï»¿ rhymes.
Souvenir: not really
Description: "Empire State of Mind" repurposed for ode to Mike Trout; emcee runs down Trout's wide range of skills; bumps microphone; ends abruptly.
Actual YouTube comment: No comments
Don't mistake me for a cod/
or just a salmon/
Description: Onyx beat repurposed by fan upset with Nationals' decision to shut down Stephen Strasburg; rapping strong; music video anthropomorphizes elbow.
Actual YouTube comment: None. "About" description: "Because everyone has chimed in on this, but nobody has rapped about it."
Description: "Black and Yellow" repurposed by actual rappers who clearly have a decent local following and who mention The Wire a bunch
Actual YouTube comment: Like 300 comments in a row by two guys saying horribly racist things to each other in all caps because one thinks black and orange belong to the Giants and the other thinks the Orioles. "I WANT EVERYONE TO GO ON GOOGLE AND TYPE: top city in america 2012…AND TELL ME WHAT IS THE #1 CITY OF AMERICA!!! LMAO! THATS RIGHT BITCHES FRISCO!!! LMAO! **** BALTIMORE!!! WEST SIDEï»¿ BITCHES!!!"
Souvenir: "Home of The Wire…"
Description: Vine escapes its cage, gets out of control, can't be contained
Actual YouTube comment: No comments
Description: Family loves each other, supports each other, is there for each other, doesn't give one toot for what you think about it.
Actual YouTube comment: okayï»¿ the dad killed it
Sincere, High Production Value, So-So Flow
Description: D-Notes and Skinny the Fatso rap at multi-platinum skill level about the Marlins, "the greatest team of all."
Actual YouTube comment: gentlemen nice work.great rapping,great beat. Makes me wanna grab my baseball bat and swing it likeï»¿ a maniac……..Barabingbarabunnngggggg
Description: MC Dreidle says the word Beastmode 54 times, and refers to Judaism
Actual YouTube comment: "It was a poster for MC DreidAL, MC DREIDAL, not this lame *** **** ****, that makes my ears bleed, MC DreidEl.ï»¿ so poster MC Dreidal, this **** MC Dreidel."
Souvenir: "Our Corey has a heart, haha, Tin Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn"
Description: The clearest imitator of the Macklemore model, a fairly serious, emotional, and skillful song that aims for viral attention. Alllmost good enough to escape this category.
Comments: Weak like a red thong on aï»¿ man!
Souvenir: "Oh we tiedï»¿ at our place? That's a pie in the face" is a legitimately great line.
Description: Nobody has rapped about the Padres
Views: Nobody has viewed a rap about the Padres
Actual YouTube comment: Nobody has commented about Padres-related rapping
Souvenir: When I was a kid I was supposed to feed and water the chickens every day but I forgot, for many days in a row, and all but one died. All these years later, I can't even describe how much I still hate myself for this.
Description: Rap-rock opening originally slotted for "Very Bad Idea" section of list, redeems itself through sheer will and persistence.
Comments: not bad for a song thrown together in three minutes
Souvenir: Love her.
Description: Actual rapper, million-selling Kid Sensation, raps about Ken Griffey with Ken Griffey; lyrics predictably hacky but credibly delivered, even in Griffey's nasally voice; track produced well.
Actual YouTube comment: "I'm looking for a Griffey HIGHLIGHT video, not another damn ******* slideshow…ï»¿"
Souvenir: Griffey rapping:
Taste the beat and get dope but not crack/
I mean the kind of dope that's far from wack.
Description: Hero refuses to quit.
Actual YouTube comment: rap sucksï»¿
Spell your first and last name
"(e-e). I ain't got the…"
Description: Surprisingly strong rhymes over clever beat interpolating classic ballpark organ notes.
Actual YouTube comment: I'm a pirates fan haha still aï»¿ good song though
Souvenir: You get to non-ironically hit replay.