The Objective: Wholesome adult fun; beverage consumption; baseball viewing; participation in an event that is larger than ourselves; Ernest Hemingway was all about this game back in the day; loneliness; boredom; because it’s awesome.
Level One: The Pint of Beer
Rules: Participants will pour a full pint of cold, refreshing yeast-fermented malt into a regulation pint glass, and consume the volume of said glass upon witnessing the following:
*Yasiel Puig punches another player in the chest;
*Yasiel Puig punches a spectator in the face or chest;
*Yasiel Puig hits a ball over 450 ft. during game action;
*Yasiel Puig makes Vin Scully moan or orgasm on the air;
*Yasiel Puig performs any action that has a direct connection to Bo Jackson, like breaking a bat over his knee or head, running up a wall for no real reason, or any general heroic act involving a throw from distance;
Level Two: The Mezcal Level
Rules: Participants will pour a glass of mezcal into a regulation whisky glass, accompanied by a plate that contains a lime wedge and a few pinches of red chili pepper. Participants should not shoot the alcohol; rather, sip the product as you would a single-malt scotch, adding the accouterments to the mix to make the overall product more festive and significant. This is a regal level, a dignified level. Take your time and let everything soak in. Let the mezcal fill your body with warmth and safety. This should be an embryonic experience. Level two will trigger when the following events are witnessed by the participant:
*Yasiel Puig displays any form of nudity on the field or in any candid display provided by the television broadcast. Nudity in this case will be defined by any bare skin at the pectoral level or below;
*Yasiel Puig takes a fastball to the chest or face and remains in the game;
*Yasiel Puig slaughters an animal in the outfield and eats its still-beating heart as fans in the stands scream with fear disguised as ecstasy;
*Yasiel Puig removes his face during pregame batting practice to reveal that he is really Yoenis Cespedes.
*Yasiel Puig hits three home runs in a game;
*Yasiel Puig blows me a kiss before an at-bat, similar to post-spousal abuse Jason Kidd at the free throw line. You will know it when you see it;
*Yasiel Puig sings the national anthem before the game with such #grace and beauty that Whitney Houston returns from the dead to tip her cap (highly unlikely scenario);
*Yasiel Puig hits a 500-ft. home run during game action;
*Yasiel Puig punches an umpire in the chest or face;
Level Three: The Cheap Whisky Level
Rules: Participants will get a bottle of some cheap and funky whisky, the kind designed for danger and deluge, to be consumed in a shot glass of your choosing. Participants will consume one shot of the bottom-shelf behemoth every time the following events occur:
*Yasiel Puig draws a walk (Note: If you are one of those people that bitch about a player’s lack of walks despite the fact that they are hitting .400 and sending balls over the fence, please punch yourself in the face repeatedly after consuming said shot after witnessing said action. You will be doing the baseball world a favor);
*Yasiel Puig hits a grand slam;
*Yasiel Puig performs a perfectly executed and medically comprehensive cesarean section during the game to a lucky and pregnant fan sitting in row 105, seat 11.
*Yasiel Puig steals home;
*Yasiel Puig punches a baseball in the face or the chest;
*Yasiel Puig hugs a teammate in a celebratory manner with such passion and such duration that it makes the teammate in question extremely uncomfortable and creates an awkward silence in the broadcast booth;
*Yasiel Puig is called a communist by the opposing team’s radio or television crew
Drink up. Enjoy. Puig.