Everybody loves a good mock draft, and I apologize in advance if I’m tardy to this particular online form of a party. I’ve been making calls and hugging the babies of the baseball establishment in order to stay in the loop and extract the freshest of fresh scoops. Because the loyal subscribers to Baseball Prospectus deserve the world and all its material wealth, I deliver to you the most comprehensive and prophetic mock draft found on the tubes. Unfortunately, that’s not true. I only mocked to 10, but only because prophesy is difficult on the mind and the body. But I think I nailed it. Check my work after the first round of the draft.

#1 Houston Astros

Parks’ Pick: RHP Mark Appel

Reason: It just makes sense. He can help now; he has local ties; he probably likes slow-cooked meat; he loves Jesus; Kevin Goldstein; doesn’t have the leverage of last season; will enjoy watching the Rangers on television in the greater Houston area; will get to meet and perhaps hang with Jose Altuve.

#2 Chicago Cubs

Parks’ Pick: IF/OF Kris Bryant

Reason: Going out on a limb here. I think the Cubs go with a stick because they already have an abundance of pitching but apologies if I fail to remember the specifics of the pitching at this moment; big power; will eventually become best friends with Javier Baez and they will film a reality show pilot called “Baez and Bryant” in which they not only live together in a very small studio apartment in rough patch of Chicago, but they learn to tear down their emotional walls and find happiness within their own hearts. It won’t get picked up by the network; he’s going to rake.

#3 Colorado Rockies

Parks’ Pick: RHP Jonathan Gray

Reason: Loves Jesus; throws fast; the movie Cliffhanger was awesome and we all know it; Adderall isn’t illegal at certain elevations; loves Jesus [again]; throws so fast that the effects of Coors field will be nominal; gives the Rockies a future top of the rotation pitcher that will most likely fail to develop into one; he loves snow and fly-fishing into picturesque streams; loves the taste of trout; has the highest ceiling of any arm in the draft.

#4 Minnesota Twins

Parks’ Pick: RHP Kohl Stewart

Reason: Top of the rotation potential; wants to meet Byron Buxton; Twins would prefer an arm with less strikeout potential, but life ain’t easy; Texan; joining the Twins is a much better option than attending Texas A&M; cool spelling of first name; thinks Joe Mauer has righteous sideburns; it just makes sense.

#5 Cleveland Indians

Parks’ Pick: OF Clint Frazier

Reason: Cleveland has long been a safe haven for the natural ginger population; he can feel safe in the warm, protective ginger friendly bosom of the Midwest; five-tool player with an extreme ceiling; best bat speed in the class; I would have taken him 1:1 because he has superstar potential that the draft class was lacking; again, the ginger friendly Midwest is a big part of this; natural red heads are allowed to vote in Ohio.

#6 Miami Marlins

Parks’ Pick: 3B Colin Moran

Reason: Blue Jays scouts were sitting on him all spring

#7 Boston Red Sox

Parks’ Pick: LHP Trey Ball

Reason: I once dated a girl from the Boston area and her brother was named Trey. He was a former position player turned pitcher, although he wasn’t left-handed or good at baseball. She wasn’t a very nice person and her mother was an absolute nightmare of a human, so I jumped overboard before the ship hit the rocky coast of forever. Ball is super athletic and has the chance for a solid-average to plus three-pitch mix from the left-side. There is some risk involved, but the ceiling makes it worth it. I really disliked this girl’s mother.

#8 Kansas City Royals

Parks’ Pick: IF Hunter Dozier

Reason: Call it a hunch, but I bet the Royals get cute here and go with a cheaper player in order to sign a more expensive player later on. The fan base will grow fangs and chew on the meat of Dayton Moore’s remaining carcass because of the reach and the gamble, and regardless of the outcome, the taste of flesh will prove more satisfactory than any possible positive outcome, which is likely given their ability to add talent via the rule four draft. In three years, the Royals will trade Dozier to the Rays for a promising no. 3 starter named Mike Montgomery, and the city of Kansas City will burn to the ground and Jeff Passan will write a passionate eulogy that I won’t read.

#9 Pittsburgh Pirates

Parks’ Pick: OF Austin Meadows

Reason: Looks the part of a future 30/30 player; overtly Caucasian; one scout compared him to a young Barry Bonds; another scout called the one scout an intoxicated mess; aesthetically pleasing in a uniform; Pittsburgh is known for its appreciation of aesthetic beauty; loves all of Pittsburgh native Jeff Goldblum’s films.

#10 Toronto Blue Jays

Parks’ Pick: Phil Bickford

Reason: Marlins’ scouts were sitting on him all spring; has a man’s name; most likely good with his hands; dependable and honest; one scout suggested he was cuddly in a Canadian sort of way; might have been the top prep arm in the draft; Royals fans will be mad at their team because of Bickford for a long time; might require a lengthy developmental journey; likes long trips and friendships.

Thank you for reading

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"He loves Jesus" = Quality. Bravo.
Jason, you're not going to believe this...
You forgot "can contribute by July '13" re: Appel.
The movie Cliffhanger really was awesome.
"Mark Appel will be the Cy Young... this year." - Harold Reynolds
Brilliant stuff Jason ..... ROFLworthy.
Fantastic, many laughs after many beers, thank you
I read this article while shaving my upper lip with a straight edge and listening to Hall and Oates on repeat.
Nailed it....amazing.
Brooklyn's own nostradamus. Great read. It would be wonderful if soler and starlin could live across the hall from baez and bryant.
Jason, how does "love of Jesus" translate into #want?
It doesn't.