“On second thought, maybe a closer wouldn’t kill us.”

Theo Epstein, Red Sox general manager, after Monday’s 6-4 loss to the Devil Rays

“Yes, it’s tragic. But part of me can’t help but wonder if such an injury could have been avoided, had Derek not been out partying for so long the night before.”

George Steinbrenner, Yankees owner, on Monday night’s injury to shortstop Derek Jeter

“Where’d I get this Rolex? Mind your own business, that’s where I got it. Theo [Epstein] and I have known each other for years. Since when is that a crime?”

Ken Huckaby, Blue Jays catcher, responding to rumors that Monday’s collision with Jeter wasn’t exactly an accident

“Me Bonds smash reporter!!!”

Barry Bonds, Giants outfielder and suspected juicer, asked if that was HGH he was being injected with before Monday’s game


“I read a book this winter and it changed my life… It really helped me realize how most of this stuff I’ve been taught–stuff that I say every day on the radio and on Baseball Tonight–is just wrong. Just completely and totally wrong… I wish I’d found this Prospectus stuff when I was playing.”

Rob Dibble, ESPN baseball analyst

“Call me old fashioned, but I like stats that are based on actual performance. Like Saves, or Holds–stats that tell me something about what the player did. Those geeks at the Prospectus, they make all these distinctions between ‘value’ and ‘ability.’ It’s like, who cares? I don’t need the numbers to tell me that Randy Johnson’s good, and I sure as hell don’t need the numbers to tell me that Tony Womack’s good. Baseball’s a pretty simple game when you get down to it–but it’s guys like them who want to convince you that it’s complicated. It’s like, give me a break.”

Joe Garagiola Jr., Diamondbacks general manager

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I haven’t been feeling well lately, and I have a blood-letting appointment in less than an hour.”

–Garagiola Jr.


“It’s important to us to monitor C.C.’s workload. He’s not going to throw more than 160 pitches in a game, and that’s a hard limit.”

Eric Wedge, Indians manager

“Blisters? Is that what you’ve heard? …I mean, yeah, of course–blisters. Why else would an otherwise healthy pitcher continually miss starts at such a young age? Not because he’s been told to protect himself under Jeff Torborg, that’s for sure.”

Scott Boras, super-agent, on client and Marlins pitcher Josh Beckett

“Does this Torborg guy think he gets a commission or something?”

Dr. James Andrews, surgeon to the stars

“I think this franchise is really going to turn around once we find a way to bring Dallas Green in. We need more baseball guys like Dallas.”

Chuck LaMar, Devil Rays general manager


“That’s actually a very interesting question. It raises a larger question, though. Is there any method by which a peace can be imposed from afar? Realistically, we’re talking about ingrained behavior patterns and beliefs of dozens of religious and ethnic groups, each with their own history, their own culture, and highly divergent goals and values. Going back through history, the projection of power over a distance eventually fails as a strategy for maintaining a peace. Even Constantine’s ghost was disappointed as the Roman Empire’s ability to maintain a fractious status quo crumbled over time, resulting in truly tragic losses for civilization.”

Carl Everett, Rangers outfielder, on the war with Iraq

“I’ve always felt that the academic approach had as much to offer the player as practice and talent. Getting this degree was a long and hard journey but one that’s been amazingly rewarding. I’m extremely pleased that my thesis has been so well regarded. I hope I can continue to contribute to the game and the science of baseball.”

–Everett, on the publication of his CalTech Ph.D. paper on unexpected outcomes of bat/high-spin pitch interaction in the peer-reviewed International Journal of Modern Physics


“One possibility is that we’ll play Teixeira at second, shift Young to short, put Blalock in center and Glanville in right, and then Alex can pitch to righties and we’ll swap him out with Raffy for lefties.”

Buck Showalter, Rangers manager, on his team’s positional flexibility

“I look forward to this exciting season under baseball’s new economic system, which across the nation has restored the hope of faith of so many baseball fans. Except fans of my team, of course. But that’s just a fluke, really.”

Bud Selig, MLB commissioner

“You know, it would be a real shame if, by the trading deadline, we weren’t at .500 and I had to go play for a team like… oh, I don’t know… Boston, for well below market value. Yep, that would be a real shame. Not that that’s going to happen or anything.”

Mike Sweeney, Royals first baseman

“Of course I think a 10-year investment would be in a team’s best interest. Look at Cal Ripken Jr., that guy was around until he was like 40… Not that I’m going to be in my 40s at the end of the 10-year deal or anything.”

Miguel Tejada, A’s shortstop, on his demands for a 10-year contract at the end of the 2003 season


“I don’t care what some Internet geek says about me. You tell him to go f— himself. I’m healthy now and I’ll be healthy all season.”

Phil Nevin, Padres outfielder, the morning of March 7th

“I think I’ve not only paid my dues to baseball, I’ve paid baseball’s dues to the public. My door is open. I’m waiting for the call. I’ll do what I have to do, and until Mr. Selig calls, I’ll just keep trying to be the best ambassador for baseball that I can, no matter how many cable shopping channels it takes.”

Pete Rose, former major leaguer and current ambassador to the game

“I didn’t mean I’d really kill him. What I really meant to say was that I’m going to make him my prison bitch, and f— him in the a– so hard he’ll chip his teeth on the plumbing underneath the sink… But I’m not going to actually kill him. You media guys have blown it all out of proportion.”

Jose Mesa, Phillies pitcher, on his recent threat to “kill” former friend and teammate Omar Vizquel

“Well, primarily because it makes the burning when I urinate seem pleasant by comparison.”

Lou Piniella, Devil Rays manager, on why he took the job

“Of course I remember when Castro came to power. I must have been about 10… Hey! Wait a second! You’re not writing that down, are you?”

Jose Contreras, Yankees pitcher and Cuban refugee, on his childhood in Cuba

“Viva la revolucion!”

Erubiel Durazo, A’s designated hitter

“Mr. Baird, On behalf of Royals fans everywhere, it is my deepest pleasure to present to you this Caller ID-equipped phone. Note the special feature that automatically dumps all calls from the 510 area code.”

Rany Jazayerli, BP author and fanatical, or “habitual,” Royals fan

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