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Word has come down that Ozzie Guillen engaged in a "profanity-laced tirade" because his pitchers did not pitch well. Newspapers are squeamish about this sort of thing, so I worked the phones tirelessly tonight to find out exactly which profanities our dear Ozzie laced his speech with. A list:

  • cow-bungling boon-nozzle
  • son of a shinguard Franzen-lover
  • cat-poaching sweat-frog
  • pants-wearing stink-tree
  • Mingus-chanting master-craftsman
  • hair-bagging murder-balladeer

Multiple sources independently confirmed each of these cusses.

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TGT969
7/04
Wow Jason. How long did this take? Will Ozzie mention Richard Ford or John Coltrane in his next spew of vitrol?
doctawojo
7/04
My journalistic standards are high—making sure that each quote was exactly right took a lot of phone calls and checking. One person, and I won't say who, swore up and down that Ozzie said "Lethem" instead of "Franzen." I'm pretty sure dude had an agenda.
Oleoay
7/04
Hey, I love Franzen...
clete6
7/05
I thought I heard "coprophagic microcephaloid".