Word has come down that Ozzie Guillen engaged in a "profanity-laced tirade" because his pitchers did not pitch well. Newspapers are squeamish about this sort of thing, so I worked the phones tirelessly tonight to find out exactly which profanities our dear Ozzie laced his speech with. A list:
- cow-bungling boon-nozzle
- son of a shinguard Franzen-lover
- cat-poaching sweat-frog
- pants-wearing stink-tree
- Mingus-chanting master-craftsman
- hair-bagging murder-balladeer
Multiple sources independently confirmed each of these cusses.