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Sometimes I write about serious things. Today, for instance, I wrote about umpires. Umpires are usually pretty serious, because they know that if they smile they might look vulnerable, and then someone might throw a helmet at them. And yesterday, I wrote about the Astros, who are more serious than we thought they’d be.

But this post is not about something serious. This post is about what players with “ham” in their names would look like if they had hams for heads. So, inspired (if you can call it that) by Ham Rove and a mysterious minor leaguer from the 1930s known only as “Ham,” I give you:

Jason Hammel:

Josh Hamilton

Cole Hamels

Mike Hampton

 

Mark Hamburger

Can't escape the nagging feeling that some other food item might have made more sense here.

Bob Hamelin

I didn't have to touch this one. Bob Hamelin already looks like ham.

Remind me to update this post when someone comes up with a camera fast enough to capture Billy Hamilton’s whole body in a single still image.

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bornyank1
6/13
"I don't even want to imagine what a willing ham would look like."--Sam Miller
HeadHam
6/13
Nice!
bornyank1
6/13
It makes me happy that you changed your display name just so you could leave that comment. At least, I assume you did.
HeadHam
6/14
Nope, HeadHam from the beginning - roto Owner/GM of the Wilson Hams since 1985. Come see us at Jimmy Dean Memorial Pure Pork Park!
reznick
6/14
Treyf Hillman?
doctawojo
6/14
Please tell me this is a multi-layered joke around the fact that Hillman managed Nippon Ham in Japan. PLEASE. I mean, it's funny even if the joke is just "Trey is one letter off from Treyf and ham is treyf," but, still. Please?
reznick
6/14
Excellent followup, sir.
dianagramr
6/14
Mr. reznick ... there's a call for you, from this man ... http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/b/baconed01.shtml But now I'm just being shellfish ...
reznick
6/14
Thanks. I was just on the phone with Norm Kashrut and Halal Lanier....
GFunk911
6/14
I know it's slightly off-topic, but I'd love to see Mario Manningham as Eli or Peyton with a ham-face.
GFunk911
6/14
And maybe a Super Mario Bros. Mustache on said ham-face.
sporer24
6/14
Faaaantastic. I only wish you'd have left this line out, "I didn't have to touch this one. Bob Hamelin already looks like ham." If people don't get the joke without it, their loss!!
jrbdmb
6/14
Mike Lamb, Pork Chop Pough, and Chicken Hawks feel left out.
asstarr1
6/14
I was hoping to see Leon Durham, but I'm looking forward to a sequal with Chili Davis.