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April 2, 2012 3:00 am
Matt envisions the lesser moments of the 2012 baseball season.
On Friday, three people won enough money to feed starving African children $100 bills for decades. The efficacy of that aside, had you selected the proper numbers you could be among this small group of lucky people, undoubtedly spending your newfound wealth only on others, with a little car on the side for yourself. Like this one. Or this one. Or maybe this one. The chances of winning a share of that money were 1 in 176 million. But what if an old man with a gray beard had appeared to you and told you the winning numbers last week, days before they were picked? Your chances would have increased to 100 percent*. Well, dear reader, you’re in luck. This article is that old man. The season has yet to begin (sort of) but the article you are now holding in your virtual hands has all the answers. The following predictions about the upcoming season are 100 percent guaranteed to be correct**. They are so certain to happen – to the letter – that if any one of them is wrong by even a letter we’ll [redacted by editor]. Guaranteed!
* Assuming you believe what old men with gray beards who come up to you on the street tell you. In which case winning the lottery will probably solve only some of your problems.