keyboard_arrow_uptop

So, you want me, of all people, to predict the future. If I had been blessed with such powers, wouldn’t I have left my childhood playthings in their original boxes and auctioned them years later on eBay at great personal gain? Would I not have taken my allowance as a kid and bought Wal-Mart stock? Wouldn’t I have targeted which of the girls in my high school was bound to be the most prosperous and latched onto her for a free coast through life? Those are just the sorts of things I would have done. And then, I’d have the money to hire out somebody to make these predictions for me.

Instead, I am left to do so under my own steam. While I don’t think I can tell you what will happen this year, I have every faith in my ability to tell you what won’t happen. For instance, you won’t be seeing the likes of these in This Week in Quotes in 2006:

“This kid had one heckuva SNLVAR at Double A last year, Jon. His translations look great.”

–Joe Morgan to ESPN broadcast partner Jon Miller, April 2

“Welcome to Scott Rolen Day!”

–Public address announcement at Citizens Bank Park, Philadelphia, April 6

“Vaya a América y busque su fortuna.”

–Fidel Castro to Yuliesky Gourriel at the conclusion of the Cuban playoffs

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press, how may I be of service to you?”

Barry Bonds, postgame press conference, May 2

“Ball Four!”

–Homeplate umpire Gerry Davis with Carlos Silva on the mound for Minnesota and Ivan Rodriguez batting for Detroit, May 6

“No thanks.”

–Bobby Jenks of the Chicago White Sox upon being offered thirds on the all-you-can-eat rib special at Sonny’s Barbecue in St. Petersburg, Florida, May 17

“We liked the way he looked in the uniform. He was also real polite to our scouts.”

–Billy Beane on A’s first round pick in the amateur draft, high school star Cinquo Tulze, June 6

“Soriano leaps high in the air, reaches over the fence–he’s…got it! An amazing catch, robbing Derrek Lee of a sure home run!”

–play-by-play call, Chicago at Washington, July 22

“What do you mean sold out? I drove all the way from Jacksonville to see this game!!!”

–outraged fan at a Dolphins Stadium ticket window three hours prior to the start of the Nationals-Marlins game, August 21

“…this marks the ninety-fourth consecutive game in which Juan Gonzalez has appeared.”

–Jerry Remy on the NESN telecast of August 24

“How hard did I hit that pitch? There’s only one thing I can compare it to: the Big Bang. You know what I’m talking about with that? That’s when all of the matter and energy of space was contained at one point and it blew up. This wasn’t any conventional explosion either, but something that filled all of space with all of the particles of the embryonic universe speeding away in all different directions. That’s how hard I hit it.”

Carl Everett on a home run he hit off of Brandon McCarthy of the Chicago White Sox, September 22

“The important thing is we’re trying.”

–Yankee owner George Steinbrenner when asked about his team’s seven-game losing streak, September 25

“Rivera throws. There’s a long drive. It’s gonna be, I believe–The Royals win the pennant! The Royals win the pennant! The Royals win the pennant! The Royals win the pennant! Reggie Sanders hits into the lower deck of the left-field stands! The Royals win the pennant! And they’re going crazy! They’re going crazy! Oh-ho!”

–Denny Matthews, Royals announcer, Game 7 of the ALCS vs. New York, October 18