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Prospectus Hit List for April 9



by Matt Sussman

Hit List for April 8 Hit List for April 11
Hit List updates are published Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, starting April 2, 2014. Data presented here is based on games through the day prior to publication.
Teams are ordered based on Adjusted Hit List Factor, a computer generated number, and the author isn't responsible for the order of the teams.

Cause we got the hit hit hiiiit list and we got a hit hit list, and we're gonna let it burn.

RkTmWLW1W2W3 HLFAHLFWin Div%Win WC%Playoff%1-Day7-Day
1

5

2

5.3

5.3

5.2

.621

.640

22.5%

18.0%

40.6%

1.5%

3.9%

Hector Noesi was designated for assignment as soon as the team discovered his name is an anagram for "Not Cheerios." And who doesn't love Cheerios?
2

5

2

5.0

4.6

4.7

.619

.600

65.7%

11.9%

77.6%

1.1%

2.3%

The plan is to eventually move Ryan Zimmerman to first and Adam LaRoche to the back of the attic, to be discovered in 50 years by Zimmerman's curious grandchildren.
3

5

2

5.0

5.3

5.4

.617

.598

20.1%

17.0%

37.2%

2.1%

10.0%

The downside of a three-homer game on the road is now Ryan Braun has that many more apology phone calls to make.
4

6

3

4.9

5.9

5.7

.604

.585

62.5%

23.8%

86.2%

-2.4%

-6.0%

The MRI on Yasiel Puig's thumb took forever because they had to keep telling him not to slide into the machine head first.
5

5

4

5.9

6.0

5.9

.597

.616

45.5%

22.4%

67.8%

1.3%

1.9%

"Hi, Dr. Andrews, I have this friend whose arm hurts..." "Matt Moore, I know it's you." "How did you know?" "You're still wearing your jersey."
6

4

3

4.5

4.9

5.0

.587

.606

26.9%

18.7%

45.7%

-3.1%

3.3%

Theory: Daric Barton was actually released three years ago but nobody told him or the manager and he kept showing up.
7

6

2

5.3

4.5

4.4

.586

.567

28.9%

36.5%

65.4%

0.4%

13.0%

Brandon Belt hit his fifth homer; Steve Suspenders still stuck at zero.
8

4

2

3.7

3.6

3.5

.573

.593

52.9%

9.8%

62.7%

-4.9%

-0.4%

And the least popular carnival game in a recent survey according to the Society Of Crooked Carnies is the Throw The Ball Past Miguel Cabrera At Third Base booth.
9

4

3

3.9

4.8

5.0

.567

.547

20.1%

20.9%

41.0%

-0.8%

5.1%

Craig Kimbrel currently has a 0.00 WHIP in three innings with six strikeouts. Small sample size, but that number should soon regress to -50.00 WHIP and all strikeouts.
10

5

2

4.5

4.3

4.2

.564

.545

15.2%

11.3%

26.5%

2.0%

3.4%

18th century pirates didn't regress to the mean, so why should these ones?
11

5

3

5.7

5.4

5.4

.550

.530

2.2%

4.0%

6.2%

-1.3%

0.3%

Giancarlo Stanton had that wonderful dream again where he tethers himself to his own home run and leaves Miami forever :)
12

4

4

4.7

5.0

4.9

.525

.545

10.5%

6.2%

16.6%

4.0%

0.4%

<-- Even money this is the team with the executive in favor of seven-inning games.
13

5

3

3.9

3.4

3.4

.517

.497

50.8%

13.9%

64.7%

0.4%

-0.3%

Jhonny Peralta has two hits on the season, both of them home runs. He'll run the bases when he's darn ready.
14

3

4

3.2

3.8

4.1

.496

.516

14.1%

7.4%

21.5%

-3.2%

-0.4%

The Royals don't have a home run yet, as they're all waiting for Billy Butler to leg one out inside the park.
15

3

5

3.6

3.8

3.8

.495

.515

23.8%

24.7%

48.5%

1.1%

-4.6%

It remains to be seen what the team will grow in solidarity this year; here's hoping it's bell peppers.
16

4

5

4.2

4.7

4.6

.486

.466

3.1%

11.0%

14.1%

-2.6%

1.5%

Colorado has also been in better spirits ever since the state Congress legalized recreational Tulowitzki.
17

3

5

3.9

3.3

3.3

.485

.505

34.1%

22.1%

56.2%

-0.1%

2.0%

If Josh Hamilton is going to bat well this year, that's an entire folder of jokes I'll need to burn for fuel.
18

4

4

3.0

3.7

3.4

.481

.501

16.0%

17.8%

33.8%

-7.0%

-0.1%

In Yangervis Solarte, the Yankees finally have something the Red Sox don't: a hitting sensation cast off by the Minnesota Twins!
19

4

3

3.4

2.9

2.9

.479

.499

17.3%

10.5%

27.8%

4.4%

0.9%

Over the weekend Cleveland traded for Colt Hynes for Duke von Schamann and Preston Guilmet for Torsten Boss. In a related story, your name is boring and stupid.
20

3

4

3.3

3.3

3.2

.467

.447

7.4%

8.5%

15.9%

-3.3%

-2.8%

There have been eight three-homer games by players in Citizens Bank Park. Two of them (Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth) was done by a Phillie.
21

4

4

3.3

2.8

2.9

.457

.477

10.9%

15.4%

26.4%

2.2%

-0.9%

Wow, Mark Buehrle is throwing some heat! Never mind, the radar gun is stuck on km/h.
22

4

4

3.2

2.8

2.8

.453

.473

16.1%

14.9%

31.1%

1.1%

-1.6%

The Rangers have three home runs on the year and two of them are by Elvis Andrus and Robinson Chirinos.
23

2

6

3.0

3.9

3.7

.449

.430

11.4%

11.0%

22.4%

-1.9%

-7.9%

Jonathan Broxton is off the disabled list, but his pants seamstress won't be back from materity leave for weeks!
24

3

5

3.8

2.7

2.8

.433

.453

3.8%

8.5%

12.3%

2.1%

-5.3%

Delmon Young batted second yesterday for the first time in six years and recorded three hits, including a home run, pushing his inevitable release back a month to, let's say, July.
25

2

5

3.0

3.2

3.3

.432

.412

2.4%

3.2%

5.6%

-0.2%

-1.4%

I read the unofficial Cubs mascot knocked out a fan in a bar, but Old Style has that effect on lots of people.
26

3

4

3.1

2.7

2.7

.428

.447

5.2%

3.0%

8.2%

1.1%

1.9%

Joe Mauer moves to first base and yet his backup has 11 more RBI than him.
27

2

5

1.9

2.6

2.7

.416

.396

4.5%

13.7%

18.2%

5.6%

-10.6%

Tommy Medica started as their DH last night. Be honest, Padres, on your road trip you forgot to pack a designated hitter.
28

3

4

2.9

2.0

2.1

.411

.392

4.7%

6.0%

10.7%

0.5%

-2.6%

Lifehack: bet a penny on Bartolo Colon winning a Silver Slugger; retire the richest man in the Western Hemisphere and spend all your time reading great Hit List jokes and drinking purified water from the sultan's personal refrigerator.
29

2

8

2.7

2.9

3.0

.372

.354

1.0%

7.2%

8.2%

0.4%

-4.0%

They've started 2-8 in two other seasons: 1998 (expansion year), and 2003 (something called Elmer Dessens led the team in starts).
30

3

5

2.1

2.4

2.2

.352

.370

0.3%

0.5%

0.8%

-0.4%

-1.1%

Not sure why Matt Albers was placed on the paternity list. He'll get to spend time with his child as Baby Albers is scheduled to pitch Friday.

Matt Sussman is an author of Baseball Prospectus. 
Click here to see Matt's other articles. You can contact Matt by clicking here


5 comments have been left for this article.
Shaun P.

Huzzah for the Hit List!

But why only three times a week now? Who will provide me with hilarious baseball-related entertainment in sentence form on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Apr 09, 2014 12:20 PM
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+3

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BP staff member Matt Sussman

Just think how much better each edition will be — 40 percent higher quality jokes and weird stats.

Apr 09, 2014 15:21 PM
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+3

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jb13

"In Yangervis Solarte, the Yankees finally have something the Red Sox don't: a hitting sensation cast off by the Minnesota Twins!"

David Ortiz feels ignored.

Apr 09, 2014 14:22 PM
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+2

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oldbopper

I hope Matt's tongue was placed in his cheek when he disrespected Papi. This is written 5 minutes after Papi did it again, and who says there isn't a thing called clutch.

Apr 09, 2014 16:06 PM
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0

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thephilipbrown

Yhou're mhissing ah rheal ohpportunity whhen yhou dhon't ahdd ahn 'H' tho ehvery whord whhen thalking ahbout Jhonny Peralta

Apr 09, 2014 15:59 PM
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+3

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