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January 8, 2013

Punk Hits

So You've Decided to Join the American League

by Ian Miller

Welcome, Houston Astros, and congratulations on your “decision” to join “the Junior Circuit”! We’re happy to have you. We thought about just asking the Brewers to come back, but Bud Selig shut that down immediately. So you guys are in luck!

This pamphlet will answer any questions you may have and help prepare you for the transition to your new home.

New Neighbors
In the bad old National League days, you were in the Central Division. That meant lots of travel to second-rate cities like Milwaukee and (shudder) Cincinnati. (Don’t even get me started on that concoction they call “chili”!)

But even though you’re basically due south of Kansas City, we decided that Houston should be in the AL West! That means lots of trips to nearby Arlington, culture-rich Seattle, and sunny California. You’ll be playing 76 games against your division rivals, so just think of allllll the frequent-flier miles you’ll be racking up! Seattle is almost 2,500 miles away, Oakland is almost 2,000, and Anaheim is over 1,500. So start planning your offseason around-the-world trips right now!

And never fear—you’ll still be playing your “natural interleague rivals,” the Colorado Rockies, May 27-30. We wouldn’t dream of depriving the fans of that matchup!

One more thing about Los Angeles of Anaheim: That’s something of a misnomer, frankly. Los Angeles International Airport is 35 miles away from the Big A, which, in LA traffic, is a four- or five-hour drive. Make sure you fly into John Wayne Airport, which is a just a hair over 10 miles away. Pro tip!

New Rules
The biggest adjustment you’ll have to make here is Rule 6.10, commonly known as the Designated Hitter Rule. Americans love dingers, and so does t