December 3, 2012
A Hall of Fame Brochure for Ryan Klesko
A year ago, while Hall of Fame voters were considering their ballots, a brochure supporting the candidacy of Juan Gonzalez showed up in our mailbox. We showed you this brochure and discussed the meaning of such a brochure, and then Juan Gonzalez got four percent of the vote. This year's ballot, then, has no Juan Gonzalez, but it has many other players who deserve brochures but, so far as we can tell, have not had brochures made for them. This is a brochure for one of them. It's a brochure for Ryan Klesko, whom you should definitely vote into the Hall of Fame. (It's up to you, but you might want to review the Juan Gonzalez brochure before you move on.)
Page 1. The Cover
Page 2. The Introduction
"Youth fades," Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote. "Love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all." Ryan Klesko's mother is certainly evidence of this. When Klesko was nine years old, his mother went to the backyard of their Westminster, CA home and started digging. She built a pitching mound for Klesko to throw off of. But to whom would he throw? Not to his father, who injured his leg in an oil field. So his mother strapped on the gear and got into the squat. She caught him three times a week, even as he started throwing harder and harder—92 mph by high school. He once crossed her up and hit her on the shin with a pitch; she had to go to a doctor and "couldn't walk for a week."
Is Ryan Klesko a perfect person? Probably not. Is he the best baseball player of his generation? Not literally. Does his 23.7 career WARP raise the standards of the Hall of Fame? For closers, yes. But let's put him in the Hall of Fame anyway. Don't do it for him. Do it for his mom. His mom sounds like a peach, and I bet his mom would be really happy if her son was in the Hall of Fame. Confused, probably. Probably suspicious at first, and certainly confused for a long time, but when she sees him giving his induction speech at Cooperstown and there's an expensive plaque that somebody definitely made, she'll probably figure what's done is done and just go with it, and in that moment she'll be very happy.
Do it for his mom.
Page 3. Testimonials
Baseball America (Trusted source of player evaluation):
Unnamed Scout (No reason to lie):
Bleacher Report (Irresponsible Web Site):
Page 4. Accomplishments
1. In the summer of 1988, Klesko made the U.S. Junior Olympic team as a pitcher. According to Klesko, he threw 93 or 94 mph, but after throwing nine shutout innings against a team with three future first-round draft picks, he strained a ligament in his elbow. He continued to have arm soreness in his senior year of high school and dropped from the first round to the fifth, where he was selected by the Braves, who made him a first baseman full time. Eighteen months later he was Baseball America's no. 3 prospect overall, as a hitter. He has talked, post-retirement, about going back to the minors and trying to pitch. Which is to say that Ryan Klesko and Babe Ruth have an awful lot in common. (Babe Ruth was a great pitcher and a great hitter, and he is in the Hall of Fame.)
2. There's very little doubt that Pedro Martinez is going to make the Hall of Fame. You don't think so? You want to argue with this? You are crazy, son. You are out of your head, you jerk. Pedro Martinez was so good that he's a lock for the Hall of Fame and might have been the best pitcher ever. Well guess who wasn't so impressed?
Gregg Jefferies wasn't so impressed. And neither was Ryan Klesko.
3. He is tied for the third-most splash hits in AT&T Park history, behind Barry Bonds and Pablo Sandoval. Bonds is in the Hall of Fame. Sandoval's bat is in the Hall of Fame, and Sandoval himself is in the ProSource.net Hall of Fame for eating Supreme Protein bars instead of candy.
4. He overcame adversity. "Throughout his youth, Klesko had been hounded by respiratory problems -- so much that he had to carry an inhaler around to prevent an attack. Offseason sinus surgery finally remedied that." Other people who had asthma: Jim "Catfish" Hunter, and possibly Bob Gibson. Both are in the Hall of Fame. Klesko would be perhaps the first hitter with asthma to make the Hall of Fame.
Page 5. In Fine Company
Ryan Klesko had a higher OBP than:
Ryan Klesko had a higher slugging percentage than:
Ryan Klesko hit more home runs than:
Ryan Klesko had more hits than:
Ryan Klesko drew more walks than:
Ryan Klesko had a higher batting average than:
There are only 38 other players in history who can say all those things. Of the 22 who are retired and eligible for the Hall of Fame, 14 have been inducted, while others (Bagwell, Walker, Edgar Martinez) still might be. It's a home run!
Klesko had as many 100-RBI seasons as Rod Carew, scored 100 runs as often as Ron Santo, hit 30 home runs as often as Tony Perez and had a better fielding percentage than Ozzie Smith, Bill Mazeroski, Brooks Robinson and Willie Mays combined. Stolen bases weren't a big part of his game, but he did steal three times as many bases as Joe DiMaggio, while getting caught stealing fewer times than Rickey Henderson. He produced more WARP than Bruce Sutter, Rich Gossage, and Rollie Fingers.
Ryan Klesko's Baseball-Reference page can be sponsored for $70. Hall of Famer Morgan Bulkeley's Baseball-Reference page can be sponsored for just $10.
But he is much more than just numbers. Please continue reading on Page 6.
Page 6. Renaissance Man
1. Decorated his own condo, including "retro toaster," "beige chenille sofa," "an imposing four-poster canopy bed of dark wood, adorned with decorative scrollwork," and a "Midori green Oceanside glass tile that frames the bathroom mirror and forms the backsplash." "I think I did a pretty good job," he said.
2. He is an active supporter of important political causes, such as Agriculture Commissioner JB Powell's campaign. You should know that Powell's opponent is a special interest lobbyist, and
we don't need that kind of curveball in charge of our food safety.
4. Kills hogs with Brad Penny.
Wait what. Uh. Actually, the case appears to have been dismissed earlier this year. (Klesko's lawyer did not respond to an interview request.) Which means that Klesko gets credit for all the businessing and none of the alleged gun-pointing.
Page 7. Ryan Klesko Gives Back
Ryan Klesko is a generous person who has given his time and resources to various causes, some charitable but some just because he's a good friend and relative. He pitched batting practice to the Braves after he retired, and has also thrown batting practice for high school, college, and San Francisco Giants batters. He is willing to throw even his cutter.
He founded the Blue Ryno Foundation, which helped the families of terminal ill children. Through Klesko's
Page 8. Ryan Klesko's Famous Quotes
Page 9: The Back Cover
In conclusion: moms.