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November 9, 2012

Head Games

Free Agents Looking for Financial Love

by Will Woods

Few things on the internet this time of year are as much fun as perusing free-agent rumors. It’s a perfectly mindless activity – you read enough articles and you’re bound to find every player linked to every team until it all starts to feel like mush in your brain. But if there’s one thing that tides me over, one time suck that keeps me occupied when I’m fresh out of baseball gossip, it’s absently clicking through dating profiles. It’s the exact same brain function: you click, you read, you process…and then you forget almost immediately. And when you look back at the hours you spent clicking around, you remember them all as one large profile, in the way that all the rumors feel like one big rumor.

It’s not just hot stove season, you see—it’s also “It’s freezing outside, I’m still single, and all I have is this stupid hot stove” season. Sometimes, going back and forth between the two after a long day, the tabs start to run together. But I swear I saw these OkCupid profiles last night. They run the gamut: flirty, stuck-up, homely, even flat-out desperate…

Jeremy G. / 33 / Kansas City, Missouri / Replies Selectively

My self-summary
My friends say I’m only attracted to losers. Sigh. Maybe they’re right. I dunno, it’s just that I’m looking for someone who has time for me, who is willing to take things slow and who is going to take me to parties where no one is better looking than I am. And if that means you’re not the most ambitious person, well, I’m okay with that.

My friends are also always telling me how reliable I am. Like, if it’s Friday night and my friend had a movie date and the girl stood him up, I’d take her ticket and go with him, just because he shouldn’t be alone in a dark, crowded room watching Pitch Perfect all by himself, even though that’s exactly what I did last Friday night. And then afterwards we’d go out and just crush something gluten free. Sure, I only get that call because I’m the guy who never has anything else going on, and people think I’m funny even though all my best lines are actually movie quotes, but…ahem…

But I’m really great I promise! I LOVE traveling and am always looking forward to my next road trip. I also have a super-de-duper sarcastic sense of humor so don’t message me unless you can keep up haha!

What I’m doing with my life
I have a steady job. That’s it, really. I’m okay at it. I think I might get promoted, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m sitting at this desk in three years. Or looking for a new career.

I’m really good at
I don’t like telling people I’m really good at things; I’m more of a Jack-of-all-trades who’s just decent at lots of things. But if I had to say one thing, um…well, I’m definitely very punctual? I think most people would say I’m punctual. Or at least if I’m five minutes late you can usually assume I’m just not going to show up at all.

The first things people usually notice about me
You noticed me?

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Whether there are guys and girls out there who are just as good as I am but who lucked into beautiful significant others who treat them like princes, instead of going from loser to loser like some pathetic rom-com supporting character who gets forgotten about in act three. But I keep telling myself those people don’t exist.

On a typical Friday night I am
Sitting at the bar, looking around the room, watching people dance, thinking about ordering another drink—wait, was she looking at me? She was? No, she’s adjusting her contact lens— and ordering that next drink.

You should message me if
You don’t want to get burned again.

Top Matches
Royals: Match 64% / Friend 93% / Enemy 0%
Athletics: Match 82% / Friend 78% / Enemy 19%
Red Sox: Match 85% / Friend 70% / Enemy 32%

Nick S. / 31 / Bronx, New York / Replies Selectively

My self-summary
Just a fun-loving Man o’ War living and loving the single life in the city!! I’m not perfect, but who are we kidding? Neither are you. And you know what? I dig it. Wedding Crashers, bro. Legit, ridic flick.

My stats are .256/.361/.467. And I’m TOTALLY an ENFP! :)

What I’m doing with my life
Drag, bro. I have the only job in the world where you gotta wear a hat but only one dude gets to wear it backwards each day. And every day I show up and I’m like, “Maybe today I’ll get to be that dude!” And I’m NEVER that dude!

I’m really good at
Smiling no matter what! Even if I’ve failed, like, 13 times in a row!

The first things people usually notice about me
I don’t really have a mustache like in my profile pic—that was just painted onto the beer mug! Bam! Gotcha!

Also cuz I know ppl will ask, that pic is just me sitting on the iron throne. I’m not the actual King of Game of Thrones. I wish I was though. I’d just run around screaming, “Bannermen!!!! Bannermen!!!!”

I spend a lot of time thinking about
My next slump buster.

On a typical Friday night I am
Trying to get out of work. Last month was SO sweet—my manager let me leave early like three nights a week!

You should message me if
You want to. Hah!

Top Matches
Tigers: Match 74% / Friend 100% / Enemy 23%
Red Sox: Match 86% / Friend 100% / Enemy 77%
Giants: Match 69% / Friend 100%/ Enemy 9%

Josh H. / 31 27 / Arlington, Texas / Replies Semi-Selectively

My self-summary
Okay, let’s get a few things straight. I see you staring, so don’t be shy about it. Everywhere I go, all I hear is comments about how attractive I am. And by “hear,” I mean “listen to.” I’m not being vain, I just know I’m hot and I know I’m worth it. Take a look around—you’re dating online. You’re not going to do better than me! I am young, hate drama, and above all that, I’m 100 percent honest!

I’m looking to make a long-term commitment soon. Like, literally right now.

(UPDATE: I am asking a lot, and I’m going to get it. Due to and because of the volume of messages I have received, if you’ve got no job and no prospects and aren’t going anywhere, um…message me anyway! I definitely won’t respond because there are seriously a ton of messages flooding my inbox that are up to my impossibly high standards, which is not at all a contradiction. But for everyone else, fire away—worst case, I don’t respond. But it couldn’t hurt. But really, if I don’t write back, don’t be offended – so many suitors! But definitely still message me.)

What I’m doing with my life
Being awesome! I was the homecoming king, I was voted Most Likely to Succeed, I was a Rhodes Scholar, then a few years went by, I was my company’s Employee of the Year, and now I’m looking to live the life I deserve with someone who recognizes how special I am.

Don’t worry, I’ll make it worth it for you too. We have the pre-nup drawn up, right? We do? Yeah, it’ll totally be worth it. For you, I mean.

I’m really good at
Everything. Hah!

The first things people usually notice about me
It could be any number of positive things, but the important thing to remember is that what you see is what you get! Definitely not one of these guys who takes you on two great dates, and then the baggage comes around like an airport carousel.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Keeping my faith to my God and my nose to the grindstone.

On a typical Friday night I am
Can we talk about something else?

You should message me if
Uh…you have a pulse? And some money?

And really, if you have that pre-nup already written out, yeah, that’d be great. I’ll handle the rings and I know like three dozen priests—let’s just get this done.

Top Matches
Rangers: Match 73% / Friend 79% / Enemy 24%
Yankees: Match 91% / Friend 61% / Enemy 41%
Mariners: Match 97% / Friend 91% / Enemy 3%

Jason B. / 34 / Flushing, New York / Replies Often

My self-summary
I just got out of a three-year, mutually abusive relationship. The first thing we ever agreed on was to part ways, and that both sides would benefit from a fresh start. I still feel I have plenty left to give and that when spring comes I can love again at a high level. I’m looking for someone who will give me a sense of purpose and who will appreciate me no matter what mental and physical state I come home in. I’m looking for someone.

What I’m doing with my life
Apartment hunting, mostly. I’m out of work right now but luckily I’ve got a pretty healthy nest egg to fall back on, and you wouldn’t believe the severance pay. I’m just taking some time this winter to do a little soul-searching and see what’s inside me, you know? It’s gonna be just like Brothers Karamazov: cold, introspective, and I’ll probably end up wondering what the hell I’m even accomplishing about halfway through it.

I’m really good at
Working hard, playing hard, and endearing myself to new people no matter the situation! That, and sustaining repeated blunt force head trauma.

The first things people usually notice about me
That I’m not the best-looking person in any of my profile pictures. Sorry, it was either that or post pics from like four years ago.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Whether I’ll find someone new. Whether my head will ever stop aching. Whether those two things are related. Whether I referenced Brothers Karamazov correctly…not confident of that; not confident of much of anything at the moment.

On a typical Friday night I am
Out.

You should message me if
Please message me.

Top Matches
Mariners: 78% Match / 94% Friend / 0% Enemy
Indians: 81% Match / 68% Friend / 15% Enemy
Mets: 93% Match / 0% Friend / 100% Enemy

Will Woods is an author of Baseball Prospectus. 
Click here to see Will's other articles. You can contact Will by clicking here

Related Content:  Free Agents,  Free Agency

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