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March 8, 2011

Wezen-Ball

Vogon Poetry

by Larry Granillo

Today marks the 33rd anniversary of the birth of one of the greatest stories ever told, Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The story was originally aired as a broadcast on BBC Radio 4 on March 8, 1978, before eventually turning into the funniest five-book trilogy you'll ever read. If you've never had a chance to read the books, or, especially, if you've only seen the subpar movie (how a movie featuring Alan Rickman, Sam Rockwell, Martin Freeman, and Zooey Deschanel can be subpar, I don't know), I highly urge you to correct that. You'll thank me for it, I promise.

In honor of this life-changing event - and since we're only a few weeks away from baseball season finally starting - I've written some Vogon poetry about our favorite sport. It's a tall order, I know, to measure up to the universe's third-worst poetry, but I've done my best.

To get in the proper mood, imagine, if you will, that a fleet of Vogon Constructors has happened on a game of baseball as they wait for their demolition orders to come through...

"Baseball"
as dreamed by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz

Oh round orb,
An epidermis-bovine corpuscle,
Sutured in red,
Resembling the estrused stripplegrats of Kria.

When velocited to satisfiptory measures,
Thy stripplegrat eye flees
And the prowling jaggleburg wails.

The axlebart striker waves his weapon,
An hooptious attempt
At Sub-Galactic Savarzin diplomacy.

Caustic teamsters, jovarzing the field,
Scream at the meated volley
And crinkily lumber to the
Billowy minecaps.

But, alas, as the guanobung of Vogon
Knows mitutously foul,
Intention and fate synerjate as well
As a ripturdon in a camfirrare nest.
Strikers and teamsters gribble
And stravle around the grid.

The bovine orb of stripplegrat design
Returns to the mountain.
The axlebart striker, zavvling and confident,
Awaits the next orbit.

Gripping stuff, eh? I encourage any other Hitchhiker fans to join in the anniversary celebration with some Vogon poetry of their own or anything else that might be appropriate (towels, improbability drives, Norwegian fjords, the Ultimate Question...)

Related Content:  Poetry

19 comments have been left for this article. (Click to hide comments)

BP Comment Quick Links

JasonC23
(97)

42!

Mar 08, 2011 11:20 AM
rating: 3
 
kbdekker

I should have known all along the answer is Jackie Robinson.

Mar 08, 2011 20:09 PM
rating: 7
 
BP staff member Larry Granillo
BP staff

As someone said on Twitter: MLB should celebrate Hitchhiker's by having a day where everyone wears number 42...

Mar 09, 2011 06:12 AM
 
iddscoper

Very nice! I thought some of the metaphysical imagery was particularly effective...

In addition to the books, it should be noted that the original radio shows do exist on CD and are well worth the effort of hunting down if you haven't heard them.

Mar 08, 2011 11:23 AM
rating: 1
 
CRP13

Damn it, Larry. Vogon poetry always makes me scream aloud and writhe in pain. And since I was at work when I read this, I hold Baseball Prospectus responsible for finding me a new career.

Mar 08, 2011 11:45 AM
rating: 3
 
pikapp383

I don't know, I quite liked it.

The key is understanding the humanity, excuse me, the Vogon-ity underlying the verse.

Mar 08, 2011 11:53 AM
rating: 4
 
Jeremy Bowers

I thought Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings' version was better.

Mar 08, 2011 11:54 AM
rating: 2
 
BP staff member Kevin Goldstein
BP staff

The original BBC mini-series is streaming on Netflix. Just sayin' . . .

Mar 08, 2011 14:32 PM
 
Lou Doench

I love every version of the hitchhikers, including the recent movie. It was a perfectly cromulent version of the story with some original moments that I thought were perfectly in line with Adams vision.

Mar 08, 2011 14:47 PM
rating: 0
 
CRP13

Except that the movie actually had a somewhat linear plot, which just confused me.

Mar 09, 2011 05:55 AM
rating: 0
 
BP staff member Larry Granillo
BP staff

I didn't dislike the recent movie. But there was just something a bit off about its mood... seemed a little too serious for something as funny as Hitchhiker's. It's a hard thing to do, to be serious and funny at the same time, but it is possible...

Mar 09, 2011 06:11 AM
 
Lvess01

Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster all around!

Mar 08, 2011 18:47 PM
rating: 1
 
Brandon R. Warne

Am I the only one that loves that Martin Freeman links to a BP player page?

Mar 08, 2011 19:21 PM
rating: 0
 
BP staff member Larry Granillo
BP staff

Good point. Didn't notice that.

Though I think I'd be a little more impressed if it was Zooey Deschanel with a BP player page...

Mar 09, 2011 06:09 AM
 
eighteen

*boggle*

Not bad, for an inhabitant of a backwater planet in an unfashionable section of the galaxy.

Mar 09, 2011 01:11 AM
rating: 2
 
jrmayne

The Vogon will do things to you that will make you wish you'd never been born, or, if you're a clearer minded thinker, that the Vogon had never been born.

--JRM

Mar 09, 2011 07:13 AM
rating: 2
 
leicester
(664)

*Puts telephone number of local pizza delivery into improbability drive*

(7 months later)

Huh, the Royals won the World Series. Who knew?

Mar 09, 2011 13:48 PM
rating: 2
 
tmangell

now that's the type of fan fiction article that's funny! i guess it helps to be a huge fan of Adams' work.

Mar 09, 2011 13:51 PM
rating: 0
 
I75Titans

I believe my Babel Fish just committed suicide.

Larry, you are one hoopy frood, and you certainly know where your towel is.

Mar 09, 2011 15:52 PM
rating: 1
 
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