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November 6, 2000

HACKING MASS Results

Our Annual Postseason Anti-Awards

by Mark Jareb and Dave Pease

HACKING MASS | Team-by-Team Results | 2000 Rosters | Results By Position

It's that time of year again: the leaves are turning, the chill of autumn is in the air, and the stiffest of the stiff are being recognized for a job vigorously done. Here are the results of this year's HACKING MASS extravaganza.

Roundup

Every season has a surprise, and in 2000 the surprise was none other than HM poster boy Rey Ordonez himself. Ordonez' early season exit from competition, and from racking up at-bats that ended in complete failure, was too much for any top team to overcome. In a competition like this, you need production from every position to succeed, and St. Rey just didn't get it done in 2000.

Our first place winner this year, Eugene Hung and his Designated Whiffers, rode the veteran leadership and can-do attitude of outfielder/MVP Marquis Grissom to the title. Congrats, Eugene: keep exhibiting this kind of eye for talent and the question is not if Cam Bonifay will come calling, but when.

Second place went to seasoned veteran Eric Roush, and in third was the first of Brom Keifetz's many entries. Just as a really early FYI: next year, we take all multiple entries and throw them in the mulcher, so be warned.

Normally, we have a special mention for the Top Team That Didn't Pick St. Rey, but since none of the top teams had Ordonez this season, we'll make note of the top team that had Ordonez starting at shortstop: Mendoza's Disciples finished in fifth place, getting stellar production from every other lineup spot. Arik Florimonte, this is indeed a proud moment for you and yours.

Your 2000 HACKING MASS All Star Team:

  • C: Mike Matheny (55.96 ESPN)
  • 1B: Ron Coomer (39.51)
  • 3B: Vinny "The Stick" Castilla (80.83)
  • MI: Alex Gonzalez* (102.43)
  • OF: Grissom (102.62)

Please visit us in February, when we kick off HACKING MASS 2001 with

  • free downloadable cookies,
  • lots of blinking/marqueed text courtesy of your friends at AOL and Microsoft,
  • and especially lucid guest commentary by human pickle and Baseball Prospectus columnist emeritus Hunter S. Thompson**!

Team-by-Team Results

Team NameScore
1. Designated Whiffers327.20
2. "He's Stiff, Jim."322.80
3. The Little Things That Win Games313.72
4. Being Kevin Polcovich308.85
5. Mendoza's Disciples282.32
6. Randy Smith's Clubhouse Leaders277.80
7. Snagglepuss274.92
8. Delorians257.41
9. My Rey of Sunshine253.02
10. 31337 H4x0Rs252.87
11. Stop the bus and let my brother Jack off252.70
12. We Need a Shutout to Win249.68
13. Rotten to the Core247.92
14. ravens246.21
15. Commissioner Pete Rose and New York City Mayor John Rocker244.87
16. Iller B's241.27
17. The Real Killer B's241.27
18. A cloudy day237.70
19. The Philadelphia Phillies and A Few Brewers 237.63
20. Subtraction by Addition236.18
21. Limp Batskit235.77
22. "Gamers, all"231.67
23. Joe Girardi's WWJD Bracelet231.67
24. The Jedi Mind Trick and if that doesn't work Blackmail 'Em Society231.47
25. The Utterly Anemics226.98
26. Even the Twins could beat these guys225.88
27. The Phantom Menaces225.69
28. "These guys do the "microscopic things" that help you win games. We think. "223.47
29. Mr. Clean's Reluctant Enemas223.45
30. Emenius Stiffus219.13
31. Milwaukee Brewers218.88
32. It's just too easy to suck with St Rey218.40
33. Milwaukee Brewers 2000216.95
34. Future Ex-Cubs215.16
35. I _KNEW_ we shouldn't have hired Sterling Hitchcock as hitting coach214.90
36. Junior's Jokers213.64
37. Guaranteed Money is the Key212.86
38. "Oh My God, They Killed Offense! You Bastards!"210.15
39. The Five Tools209.59
40. Millennium Stiffs208.53
41. Taking the 'pro' out of 'prospect'208.21
42. Shooting for 4th Place Yet Again205.98
43. Good thing Harry's dead...205.83
44. Ninja Turtle Buzz203.38
45. Bowa Constrictors202.07
46. Kingston Quintent199.79
47. Pray for Rain199.23
48. "My Brogna Has A First Name, It's R-E-E-K-O"198.68
49. Smelly Green Sputum198.47
50. Tampa Bay Devil Rays198.47
51. The Loved Ones197.05
52. UK Subs196.80
53. waY2K195.96
54. "Pitiful Little Pieces of Crap - New, Improved Version"194.74
55. Rey Ordonez' Inglorious Stiffs featuring Brian L. Hunter194.61
56. Night of the Slumposaurus Peoples193.11
57. South Boulder Omega Males193.04
58. "God, the Devil & Bob(by Bonilla)"191.94
59. The Five Tools190.69
60. Cream Filling187.96
61. Sammy Khalifa Fan Club186.94
62. More Suckage than a Hoover in a Black Hole185.14
63. Davy Lopes' All-Stars183.85
64. The Unnaturals180.09
65. The Wreck of the Mike Fitzgeralds179.18
66. Black 5 Fingers178.72
67. Woody Woodward's Golfing Buddies177.79
68. Balboni's Kids176.41
69. Jerry Springer's Body Guards175.22
70. More hackers than a quit-smoking convention175.22
71. "South Krap: Smaller, Shorter, and Severely Cut"174.86
72. Jenkins' Juggernaut174.44
73. Rapp's Dogs174.21
74. The True Hero's174.12
75. Cordial Boys173.72
76. Kansas City Royals173.30
77. I Wish I Were John Olerud170.43
78. Small markets can't compete170.17
79. Great Team Chemistry170.12
80. Curtis Goodwin Rules!169.81
81. Fat Toads169.57
82. Stiffs R Us169.28
83. The Midwest Triangle167.87
84. Mick Kelleher Fan Club166.50
85. We keep Jaime Navarro in the league.165.20
86. Moist Towelettes163.17
87. eLiTe HaCkeRz162.32
88. Padres Cleanup Hitters161.15
89. The Love Hack159.92
90. Senator Robert Torricelli159.88
91. The Blank-o's159.62
92. Mike Private Benjamins157.22
93. Bubblegoose Boogers -- mmmph!156.28
94. Punch Like Judy156.26
95. Don's Sucky Team156.12
96. Pete Rose's Bookies154.66
97. The Winless Wonders154.61
98. The *what* is juiced?153.37
99. Computer Geeks Can Hack Better Than These Guys!153.11
100. Rt. 13 Roadkill153.08
101. Springfield Isotopes152.46
102. Corps Pus Crusty151.63
103. The Mighty Slugs151.59
104. Grizzly Dohs!151.19
105. No Rey I'm gonna win without him150.14
106. "Bats of Meringue (Stiff, But O So Weak)"148.98
107. Blazing Saddle-Sores147.67
108. Doh!143.53
109. "Hack, Flail, and Fail"142.83
110. Belliard's Avengers142.23
111. Marty's Mashers141.65
112. The Dead Sea Squirrels141.63
113. Belgian Wafflers139.48
114. What are these guys doing in the majors??139.18
115. I'd never pick these players elsewhere138.92
116. Tofu Burger137.12
117. These Boots Ain't Made For Walkin'137.06
118. Hapeville Smokies134.05
119. Tracewski's Sluggers132.27
120. Chicks dig the weak comebacker131.94
121. The Downside to Minimalism130.69
122. Reconstituted Ostrich II129.20
123. But their *moxie* alone will drive runs home128.14
124. Zeroes of Ground Zero127.45
125. The Dead Sea Squirrels126.86
126. Seeing Eye Dogs126.34
127. Bonifay's Blunders123.15
128. Minnesota Twins122.71
129. E-2 Brutus?122.52
130. Garvey's Kids121.91
131. Bodamer121.80
132. Dr. Bunson Honeydew's Clubhouse Chemists121.10
133. eric's errors119.80
134. NOAACounts118.40
135. Hunter's Heroes117.84
136. The PTNBLs Mark II116.26
137. Sbuc Ogacihc112.43
138. Flash's Flailers109.55
139. Rock Hard Rejects108.82
140. Old & In The Way108.61
141. The Billy Joe Robidoux's107.98
142. Urinators107.70
143. The Great Blewdinis106.96
144. Oakland Z's102.76
145. The Cesar Geronimo School of Hitting101.22
146. Quicker Picker Uppers100.93
147. We Use Straws100.62
148. Hudson Falls Battlin' Sloths100.45
149. Stiffer than Al Gore100.35
150. Vomitous Varmints98.87
151. Teal Sox97.35
152. Copper Throwers95.39
153. Broadway's Bums95.33
154. Sentimental Hygienists95.32
155. Doo Doo pile94.97
156. Ham's Bone(head)s94.46
157. Imsuck Whiffersnappers94.02
158. Gammons' Boyz93.65
159. The AntiOPS91.76
160. Newport Chum Line91.43
161. "I Like Rico Brogna, Leave Me Alone!"90.72
162. Strikeout Masters88.60
163. Sal Maglie's Goatees88.42
164. Impeachable Offense II88.26
165. Bloody Wankers87.56
166. Damn Those So-So Garcias87.00
167. Peter Gammons/Andrew Jackson Fan Club84.83
168. The Humanity84.22
169. Florida Marlins82.82
170. Stupid Ordonez Rule81.29
171. The Spirit of '0880.85
172. The Ed Lynch Mob80.85
173. SNIFF (Strawberry's Nasal Idea For Frills)79.19
174. Raj's Rockies' Rejects77.87
175. Dave's Disasters77.64
176. Iller B's (2nd team)75.16
177. Buck Martinez All Stars71.81
178. Hell hath no fury like a belt-high fastball scorned71.55
179. Witty Team Name70.61
180. Cordial Boys!69.14
181. Now hitting from the ladies' tees!!!!66.93
182. Ya6le Bombers64.71
183. Atlanta Cowards60.64
184. We Sport Good-Wood60.09
185. Kansas' Best Wiffers59.08
186. The PTNBLs57.27
187. the Lethargic Lads56.91
188. "born to be bad, real bad"54.05
189. Deadweights anonymous53.21
190. Tim Blackwell's Revenge52.92
191. Ofers51.53
192. These Guys Suck48.75
193. Hershey Highwaymen45.07
194. Baltimore Orioles 2001 Free Agent Signees44.38
195. Shea Stadium Stasis44.28
196. Stever's Underachievers42.65
197. Drownin Serfs41.24
198. Pine Boxes36.82
199. Pusillaneous Twits35.71
200. The Hope We Sucks34.37
201. Four Autopsies and a Funeral32.63
202. Gold Glove Bias31.85
203. Gary Sheffield 4 President28.03
204. SpareToFair27.77
205. Lubbock Raiding Red Raiders11.74
206. Smell The Glove5.32
207. The Baltimore Orioles-6.43
208. raising mendoza-10.76
209. Unselfish White Guys-15.73
210. Ugly Sticks-16.42
211. Glamour Grit-30.41
212. Tim McCarver's Greatest Calls 2 (The Other None of Them)-36.69
213. The VomitPigs-48.48
214. Endor Scum-131.87
215. Baltimorons-133.17
216. "Luv Dem O's, Hon"-134.38
217. Los que No pueden ser 'stiff' si tienen la esposa de Chuck Finley en sus pantalones-552.61
218. New Pilots-590.40
219. Testing-598.50
220. The Browns-658.12
221. I Eat Beets-698.07
222. Pete Roses Wannabe Hall of Famers-704.90
223. London Maulers-762.71
224. Actual good players-767.76

* the really young one who plays in Florida. Not to be confused with the less young free agent who thinks he's worth six million per for a long-term deal, despite the fact that he produces less than half the ESPN of the Florida model.

** talent subject to change without notice. No refunds or exchanges. Your mileage may vary.

HACKING MASS | Team-by-Team Results | 2000 Rosters | Results By Position

Dave Pease is an author of Baseball Prospectus. 
Click here to see Dave's other articles. You can contact Dave by clicking here

Related Content:  Rey Ordonez,  Rosters

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