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December 14, 2007

Prospectus Matchups

Inside the Mitchell Report

by Jim Baker

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You're a busy person. What with the holidays and all, you don't have time to read the stuff required for school or work, let alone a 400-page PDF file. I'm going to do you a favor and pull out some of the highlights from the Mitchell Report to save you the trouble of finding things on your own. Today, I'll highlight some of the findings on individual players. Don't pause to thank me, just read on:

Spunky Overmeyer

Spunky Overmeyer was an outfielder who played with 19 minor league teams between 1997 and 1999.

Kirk Radomski said that Overmeyer had found his name in the Yellow Pages under the Muscles-4-Money heading. According to Radomski, Overmeyer could not afford human growth hormone so he sold him a cream that made some of his body parts shrink so as to make the others appear larger. Greatly reduced in overall size, Overmeyer tripped over a baseline and broke his nose, ending his career.

Vegas Garcia

Vegas Garcia has played several infield positions in the major leagues since 2004, with the Baltimore Orioles and Toronto Blue Jays.

According to records, Garcia purchased a human growth hormone kit in the winter of 2005 from Signature Pharmacy. Garcia was unsure if he wanted to proceed or not. Rather than risk it, he experimented with the kit using his 10-year-old nephew, who immediately began lounging around the house, sleeping late, eating everything in the refrigerator, and lusting after the women on Sabado Gigante--sure signs that puberty had suddenly been thrust upon him. Pleased with the expediency of the results, Garcia purchased six more kits from Signature throughout the 2006 season.

Carl T. Sprocharik

Carl T. Sprocharik was the assistant to the head groundskeeper at Dolphin Stadium in Miami, Florida.

Based on the testimony of a colleague, Sprocharik bet him that he was strong enough to pull out and lay the tarp by himself during a rain delay. The colleague was not aware that Paul Lo Duca had been injecting Sprocharik with HGH at every conceivable opportunity. A copy of a check from Sprocharik for $4,200 worth of product written to the Palm Beach Wrinkle Clinic is reproduced elsewhere in this report. The colleague told me that Sprocharik had gotten so big that he lifted the tarp roller over his shoulder and carried it into center field, where he proceeded to unroll it with the ease of a chambermaid throwing a comforter over a hotel bed. The colleague reported that he dutifully anted up the $25 the bet called for, but, now knowing what Sprocharik was up to, would like to get his money back.

Bolivar Hudson

Bolivar Hudson was signed by the Toronto Blue Jays as a 14-year-old in 1998. He has been in their instructional program since that time.

Radomski produced a check from Hudson dated November 1, 1998 that covered the cost of two human growth hormone kits. It was written in crayon and decorated with Hot Wheels stickers.

Kelly "Specs" McGrunnagh

Kelly "Specs" McGrunnagh was a third baseman who was once the property of the Cincinnati Reds.

In a September 7, 2005 article, the New York Daily News reported that McGrunnagh purchased "a big ol' sh*tpile" of injectable human growth hormone. He was convinced that it would help his faulty eyesight and immediately began injecting the HGH directly into his eyeballs in the hopes it would strengthen them. Deterred by the screaming pain, he quickly switched to eye drops. McGrunnagh reported that his eyeballs soon grew too large for their sockets and that stretch marks appeared on his eyelids. His batting average dropped the following season and he was released by the Reds.

Soma Tronin

Soma Tronin, a.k.a. Phillip Sudulak, was a third baseman in the minor league systems of several teams from 1994 to 2001.

According to Radomski, Tronin, then known as Sudulak, got his phone number from the wall of the men's room at the Gold's Gym in Aberdeen, Maryland and soon became his most prolific customer. At one time, Tronin was having his paychecks forwarded directly to Radomski in exchange for shipments of human growth hormone that were "so large, it required two UPS drivers to bring it to his door." Tronin became so immersed in the lifestyle that he would sometimes miss games so as to have more time to look in the mirror at the wondrous changes taking place to his body. Regardless, "he still never learned to hit a curveball," according to one scout this investigator ran into at a swap meet on Long Island, and was released for the fourth and final time in 2001.

Danny Scaldoy

Danny Scaldoy pitched several innings in the Phillies chain in 2002.

Scaldoy became interested in self-improvement when he met professional bowler Lawrence Terlecky, a.k.a. "Larry the Leaner." Terlecky is known around the PBA for his pronounced asymmetry--he's so large is his right side that he must carry a 25-pound dumbbell in his left hand for balance. Scaldoy befriended Terlecky and the two trained together in a program that included purchases of equine growth hormone and the consumption of baboon parts. Within a year, Scaldoy's pitching arm and shoulder were huge, so much so that he was forced to steal a cart from the A.V. department of a nearby high school so that he could rest his arm on it while walking, lest its weight topple him sideways. The desired increase in pitching speed did not coincide with this increase in size, as evidenced by his 9.68 ERA and subsequent release.

Tetsuro "Iron Man" Takadashi

Tetsuro Takadashi was an infielder who played in the major leagues for Cleveland and Baltimore from 2001 to 2004. As you might recall, he was outed as the star of adult movies early in his career in the Seattle Mariners system.

Takadashi survived that initial scandal only to immerse himself in a program of dedicated steroids abuse. For the most part, he purchased his product from a Dr. Freen, a since-discharged physician in the United States Army stationed at Fort Patton in Walla Walla. Takadashi often paid by check or would sometimes barter with Dr. Freen using DVD copies of his oeuvre. Takadashi never hit higher than .241 or hit more than five home runs in any one season. When his professional baseball career ended in 2005, he tried to return to his previous occupation but found that the years of steroids use had rendered him unfit for the profession. Instead, he turned to the burgeoning abstinence film market, and has starred in such films as Let's Not and Say We Didn't, A Kiss Goodnight and a Pat on the Head, and the classic of the genre, Let's Just Cuddle.

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