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August 14, 2007

Prospectus Matchups

Victimhood!

by Jim Baker

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By now, you're all familiar with BP's Unfiltered feature. My impression was that it was for whatever we wanted to write about. Apparently, I was wrong. Over the course of the season, a number of my Unfiltered posts have pulled almost immediately upon being placed on the site. I've gathered them here today along with the comment I got (in italics) explaining why the item was yanked within 30 minutes of its being posted. I'm presenting them today so that the people can decide for themselves if they deserved to stay up there or not.

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May 30: Mark my words: the Yankees are deader than a monkey stepped on by a rhinoceros. The only question now is whether they finish in last or next to last. After getting tripped up by the Blue Jays yesterday, they're 14.5 games out and tied for last with Tampa Bay. Who do you think is going to win more games from here on out, Yanks or Rays? My money is on the Rays with their exciting young lineup. Look for Joe Torre to be fired by the All-Star break and general manager Brian Cashman to be out on his ear at the end of the season. The only excitement left in the Yankees season is to see which of their big stars gets pawned off on another team at the trading deadline. Imagine the Yankees as sellers rather than buyers-well, you won't have to imagine it for long, because you're going to see it for real on July 31 and again at the end of August. Boston could win the division by 34 games or so, unless Toronto puts on a run and cuts the gap to 25.

Jim: Are you sure you want to say this? The Yanks are outscoring opponents. Do you have any data to substantiate your prognostication?-Christina

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June 23: For sale: 1991 Olds Cutlass Ciera, 4-door sedan. Replacement Pontiac engine rebuilt 372,000 miles ago. Buick Century front clip-confuse police in high-speed chases. Some rust issues, especially on body mounts. Car sometimes becomes disengaged from frame going over railroad tracks, but comes with free bungee cords; should help. Needs paint, and most metal to put it on. Windows tinted with water-base paint. 19 MPG. Gas tank leaks, but who doesn't like that sweet gasoline smell? Nautical style steering wheel-wear a hat and play ship captain! Back-up lights missing but no reverse gear, so no loss. Raccoons living under front seat; your kids'll love'em. Tires: one Coker wide white wall, one Goodyear snow tire, one fairly new Pirelli P Zero, one temp spare from a 2006 Toyota. Strong heater but smells like roasting dogs. Trunk lock missing-best you not know what's in there anyway. Horn plays "Sweet Home Alabama." No title but comes with bill of sale and firm handshake. Over $40,000 invested, asking $1,095, but will consider trades for taxidermy services, treasure maps, or conjugal-visit swapouts at the women's prison.

Jim: This is not the Thrifty Nickel!-Nate

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July 4: America, this nation of ours, is having another birthday. But what's to celebrate really? Traffic is terrible! And try finding a parking space at the supermarket! And when you do, someone is bound to open their door too wide and chip your paint. And what about the deaths? According to the news, every day, people are dying. I counted 28 dead people in various incidents yesterday around the world in news stories I read. How is humanity going to survive this? And how come when you open up peanut butter there is a sealed layer between the cap and the product inside? Are we that afraid of tampering? Is it for freshness? I'll tell you what it's worth: more bother, that's what.

And how come there are commercials at the movies? I like to get to the theater early so I can pick which people I don't want to sit near based on their odor or how high their hair is or whatever, and there's now something like 20 minutes' worth of ads shown on the screen. Next thing you know, they'll be stopping the movies in mid-reel and showing ads then. Don't think they won't try it. Then the coming attractions start and they give away the whole movies in them. Here's a question for you Mr. and/or Ms. Hollywood: why would I want to go see a movie you already told me the whole plot of in the coming attraction?

And what do I have to do to get noticed in a restaurant when my water glass is empty, shoot off a flare? I've got an egg timer I use to measure how long it takes the waitstaff to notice my glass is empty and do something about it, and let me tell you, the general record is not very impressive no matter where I go. I blame the public school system.

So, go ahead and wish America a happy birthday if you like. Personally, I don't see what's so happy about it.

Jim: Andy Rooney's sort of on this beat already, isn't he?-Christina
Jim: If you feel the need to present these sorts of views, it might be best to get your own blog.-Nate

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July 19: I've told my buddy Zeke, whom I've known since second grade, that he could always count on me. Now, Zeke doesn't have a computer but he's in a bit of a bind because his missus ran off on him and he's trying to find her. I told him that I would use the power of this space to help him track her down. What are friends for, right? If I've got a forum available to connect with a lot of readers who may have seen her or know her whereabouts, then what kind of friend would I be if I didn't use that space for just such a purpose? A pretty bad one, that's what. Anyway, Zeke last saw his missus at the Gilded Garter Lounge on Route 32 in Mechanicsburg, Ohio in the company of a UPS man and a sheriff's deputy about two weeks ago. She was wearing a red halter, cheetah-print Capri pants and clear high-heel shoes. She is 36 years old but could pass for 34 in the right light. Zeke says she may have had her toy Yorkie in her purse. If so, she will have had to have stopped to get the dog groomed, and also for a nail job and pedicure for herself. She is not asthmatic but uses an inhaler just the same. She smokes Virginia Slims and favors chocolate martinis. She is partial to the phrase, "If I could learn to do that, I'd never leave the house." If you see someone fitting this description, tell her Zeke wants to speak to her very badly, especially about the whereabouts of the "thing they found in that vault." Contact me via the email address below with any information you might have. There might be a reward.

Jim: I think we need to go over some basic ground rules for Unfiltered. When would be a convenient time for you to discuss this?-Nate

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Last night: Who do I have to kill to see a no-hitter before I die? Every time someone tips me off about there being a no-hitter going, the pitcher always loses it on the second batter after I start watching. Never the first, never the third, and always the second. Tonight was no different with Tim Wakefield of the Red Sox. I got the tip and started watching in the sixth inning. He got the first batter I saw for the last out of the inning. Then the Red Sox batted, and back came the Devil Rays and guess what? Right: the lead-off guy in the next inning-Carl Crawford-gets a hit and ends the no-hit bid. I'm getting pretty sick and fed up with this. I'm not ashamed to admit I broke some stuff; a coffee table and a sliding glass door. I may have lit something on fire and tossed it off the balcony into the trees, but I really don't remember. Over the top? I don't think so. I'm not going to live forever here. Fate owes me, dammit!

Jim: This is probably a little too personal for Unfiltered. Also, have you spoken to a doctor about these outbursts?-Nate

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