THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CARL
“They need to implode Wrigley.”
–White Sox outfielder Carl Everett, from an interview in Maxim magazine (Chicago Tribune)
“Fan is short for fanatic–he’s crazy about something he really doesn’t know about. And it’s proven that 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they’re watching.”
–Everett
“[He’s a] bitter, ignorant individual.”
–Everett, on Jose Canseco
“We have a war going on–I have family in that war–yet we’re talking about steroids…If everybody in the world got on steroids, we’ll still lose more kids to a war than we will from steroids.”
–Everett
“Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can’t produce a baby, two men can’t produce a baby, so it’s not how it’s supposed to be…I don’t believe in gay marriages. I don’t believe in being gay.”
–Everett, on homosexuality, though he claims to have accepted gay teammates
FEAR IS THE TWIN OF FAITH’S SWORN FOE, DISTRUST
“I know I didn’t have my best night, but I know somebody else, not in our uniform, didn’t have the greatest night either.”
–Twins closer Joe Nathan, on how in his game against the Giants he didn’t get pitches called correctly (Minneapolis Star-Tribune)
“We’re watching them out there, and on breaking balls they are bending over. There’s a gray area [that’s acceptable] but it was getting a little old. I don’t care if they get ticked off or not. He’s bending over on breaking balls, and he’s standing there next to the umpire.”
–Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, on Giants coaches letting their hitters know what’s coming
“Why not tip your hat to the guy? Don’t say we weren’t patient. I hate to hear that. It’s easy to say that when you’re sitting down, trust me. Very easy.”
–Twins centerfielder Torii Hunter, disagreeing with manager Ron Gardenhire’s feeling that the team wasn’t patient against Noah Lowry
I WOULD PREFER EVEN TO FAIL WITH HONOR THAN TO WIN BY CHEATING
“His guy got caught tonight cheating, and he was way off base, and he took me by surprise. To me, it’s a threat…I lost a lot of respect for Mike tonight, as a person and as a manager. There’s nothing he can say to me now. Nothing. I don’t even want him to approach me. I don’t want him to try to apologize to me. If he even thought about it, I will not accept it. I don’t want anything to do with it.”
–Nationals manager Frank Robinson, on Mike Scoscia’s reaction after Brendan Donnelly got caught with pine tar on his glove (Washington Times)
“Don’t go there. I don’t know anything. That’s not my business. I don’t really care. I don’t really care about any of those guys. I’m a Washington Nationals player. I’m not an Anaheim Angels player. I got a job.”
–former Angels outfielder Jose Guillen, when asked if he tipped off his new manager to Brendan Donnelly’s pine tar
“You know, it’s over, but I don’t really care about those guys. Like Frank said, I’ve got no respect for him anymore. I don’t want to make all these comments, but Mike Scioscia, to me, is like a piece of garbage. I don’t care if I get in trouble…I’ve got no respect for him.”
–Guillen
“You know what? I wanted to beat this team so bad. I can never get over what happened last year. It’s something I’m never going to forget. Every time I play that team and Mike Scioscia, it’s always going to be personal.”
–Guillen
“He didn’t show any respect to Frank. You talk about respect and leadership, I don’t think he showed any right there. He came out like he wanted to punch Frank. Frank’s a 75-year-old man, Mike’s 40-something.”
–Guillen (L.A. Daily News)
THE MARK BUEHRLE CENTER FOR PLAYERS WHO CAN’T CHEAT GOOD, AND WANT TO LEARN HOW TO DO OTHER STUFF GOOD, TOO
“I don’t want to get too many people in trouble, but I think there are a lot of people who may use something out of the ordinary, even if it’s a spitball.”
–White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle (Chicago Sun-Times)
“You see a lot of guys licking their fingers off the mound, which is legal, but when they act like they wipe it on their pants, they’re really not wiping it on their pants, they leave their fingers with a little bit of spit to make the ball move a lot. Some of the guys you see out there making the ball move two-three feet, I’d want to check into those guys.”
–Buehrle
“I can’t get myself in trouble because he’s on the North Side. I don’t know personally, but I’m just saying from years of experience that he’s had success that he very well may be using something.”
–Buehrle, when asked to name names
“Basically I use snot if I have it. Mark, you caught me. I’m glad, with your busy schedule, you had nothing else to do but imply I was using spit on the ball.”
–Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster, responding to Buehrle’s accusations (Chicago Tribune)
“He must get bored in-between the four days off. As a [former] starter, I can appreciate that.”
–Dempster, on Buehrle’s motivation
“Doing the relieving thing, I don’t have enough time to think of things like that. Although I know that one of the White Sox players, I heard, is using some sort of atomic bomb in his jockstrap.”
–Dempster
“I said I don’t know personally. You hear rumors around the league [about] guys cheating. There are guys on every team that cheat. Take it and run whichever way you want to go, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
–Buehrle
“Hitters get to use pine tar, so why can’t pitchers? I know it’s illegal, but it’s a good argument.”
–Buehrle
“If they want, umpires can come out and check guys after every inning, I’ll be more than happy to drop my drawers and they can check whatever they want to check on me. I don’t care.”
–Buehrle
“I’ll help them cheat. As long as they win games, I hope they cheat.”
–White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen
“Everyone cheats. If you don’t get caught, you are a smart player. If you get caught, you are cheating. It has been part of the game for a long time.”
–Guillen (Arlington Heights Daily Herald)
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
“If I see something, I will call them and tell them. I am always trying to help somebody out if they need it. I played with [Bret] Boone for so long, I can probably see things he’s doing that others can’t.”
–Mets outfielder Mike Cameron, on his relationship with former Mariner teammates (Seattle Times)
“Nah, I would still tell him. He can’t beat us all by himself.”
–Cameron, on whether he’d still give Boone advice if he were playing against him
“It’s up to Mother Nature, and she takes her time sometimes.”
–Cameron, on the likelihood he’ll play against his old team
THE REST
“I know all the work he’s put into [being a big leaguer]. To see him come this far already is awesome, because he deserves it. I can’t wait to watch him across the diamond, competing. But not too much. He hits one to me, I might have to rob one.”
–Marlins outfielder Juan Pierre, on playing against his best friend, the Angels’ Chone Figgins (L.A. Daily News)
“A lot of people are making a lot about us losing on the road, but we don’t seem to be winning a ton at home. It’s not like we’re winning all at home and losing all away. We’re struggling both home and away.”
–Astros third baseman Morgan Ensberg, addressing the team’s struggles (Houston Chronicle)
“It’s not too hard, because it is something he wants to do. I don’t want to be the one to say, ‘Hang it up.’ It’s got to be something he decides. Now, if it’s 10 [more] years down the line, then, yeah, something is wrong with me.”
—Allyson Phillips, wife of former big leaguer Ryan Minor, on financially supporting her husband who is still trying to make it back to MLB (Baltimore Sun)
“Obviously, we’re not swinging the bats right now. And no one is hitting.”
–San Diego Padres chief tautologist Phil Nevin (San Diego Union Tribune)
“Erubiel is not happy with the program. He was waiting for a Christmas present and Santa delayed it.”
–A’s manager Ken Macha, on DH Erubial Durazo’s slow return from an elbow injury (Contra Costa Times)
“I’m so excited to meet him. You hear the music, then you finally meet him face to face. It’s a big thrill. I don’t know if it was a big thrill for him to meet us.”
–A’s outfielder Nick Swisher, on meeting country singer Kenny Chesney
“I don’t know why I’m off. And, of course, they didn’t tell me Thursday – that would be too easy, they waited until today [Friday] when my mom and dad are here for the games.”
–Reds outfielder Adam Dunn, on his day off last Friday, despite hitting a 455-foot home run the night before (Dayton Daily News)
“I probably would have gotten two days off.”
–Dunn, on what would have happened had he hit a 500-foot home run
John Erhardt is an editorial assistant at Baseball Prospectus. You can contact John by clicking here or click here to see John’s other articles.
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