June 14, 2017
Scouting Reports from the Near Future, and Newly Released Sufjan Stevens Album Details
Scouting Report on Your Team’s 34th Round Draft Pick
By: Patrick Dubuque
Report Date: 6/12/2017
Mechanics: Small frame, physically maxed out; Slide step only, small leg kick, relaxed motion; Command suffers from severe crossfire; arm action that makes you remember him as if he were wearing an elbow-patched tweed blazer; changes arm slot depending on mood, weather conditions, political climate; slow worker, slow to the plate, slow to emerge from dugout between innings; head movement during weight transfer; follow-through betrays defeated posture; introverted.
Difficult to scout: posted solid numbers in college, but coaches and teammates had difficulty remembering him in interviews, and recaps often forgot to include his statistics. After watching his appearances, you can’t stop thinking about your retirement portfolio, or how you need to replace those soft planks in your deck, or the words to “Swan Swan H.” Makeup a concern: personality is amiable enough, but when high-fiving teammates, leaves them with slight doubt about whether they deserve congratulations. Has trouble making eye contact, even when looking people directly in the eyes. Tattoo of an office chair on right arm; no one has asked what it represents.
OFP: 30, ROOGY relief depth
Realistic: You will never see or think of this person ever again. He will live a quiet life as a kind, unremarkable man, once divorced, twice on local news broadcasts. He will die surrounded by family.
Sufjan Stevens Presents: The Pittsburgh Pirates
By: Nathan Bishop
Release Date: September 14, 2017
1. The Flying Dutchman, or, For The Children I Must Recuse Myself From Your Product, or, Ty’s Bane
2. Through Space And Time I Doc Ellis Watched, As I Myself Threw A No-Hitter, And It Was Wild
3. On Gerald, Forbes Field Groundskeeper, Who Gave His Life At The Battle of the Bulge
4. The Great Grinding Wheel of Capitalism, or, The Burghers, Burglars of the Alleghenys
5. Wherein True Greatness Is Revealed: A Story of Hurricanes, Compassion, Heroism, And Precisely 3,000 Hits
6. The Ballad of Andy Jerpe, Who Caught Bill Mazeroski’s 1960 World Series Home Run, And Then Lost It
7. That Which Jay Bell Hath Seen
8. Jason Kendall’s Ankle as Metaphor For The Current State of Our Nation, or, My God I Am Going to Throw Up Now
9. Excuse Me Dave Parker, But May I Bum A Smoke?
10. Hey We Didn’t Hear That Song The First 10,000 Times, Can You Play It Again? Did You Say You Are Family?
11. Somewhere On A Bus In Southern Indiana, Jeff Clement Ponders Life, And Begins To Look To A Time After Baseball
12. Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh It Is Sid Bream, Who Has Come to Slide On Me, Past Me, Through Me. He Has Stolen My Heart, For He Is Safe, And I Am Not
13. PNC, or, Who Knew So Much Yellow Could Look So Good?
14. To Andy Van Slyke, Who To This Day Exists In The Cool Shadow of Greater Men: I Too Am Mediocre, And I Forgive You
15. The Many Thoughts of Johnny Cueto, As The Ball Fell From His Grasp Amidst The Roar
16. A Lovely Friday Evening Out With Ralph Kiner and Ava Gardner, Who Went to Dinner and the Movies, and then Parted Ways Amicably
17. Salomon Torres’ Travels the Roads of Korea, Which Somehow Stop in Pittsburgh
18. From The Upper Deck of Three Rivers, A Missive From Frank, Who is Watching His Team Lose 7-2, and Trash Keeps Blowing Over Him
19. Well What Do You Suppose We Should Do With All These Dreadlock Hats?
20. Barry Lamar Bonds
Patrick Dubuque is an author of Baseball Prospectus. Follow @euqubud