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March 28, 2014

Pebble Hunting

BOOM! HERE COMES THE BOOM! READY OR NOT! HERE COMES THE BOYS FROM THE TIGERS!

by Sam Miller


On December 9th, a Tigers fan named CameronK200II984* logged on to SB Nation and, in the comments of a Grant Brisbee post, laid out his audacious plan for the Detroit Tigers to lock up the AL Central. Audacious is the wrong word. Insane? Unhinged? No. Not...quite...right. Oh, right, I got it: Prophetic.

Crucial to the theory of an infinite universe/multiverse is the idea that, with a finite number of ways for atoms to arrange themselves, and infinite opportunities for such arrangements to occur, all possible worlds exist. There is a world, then, exactly like ours, all the way up to December 9th; every grain of sand exactly as in this one, every person who ever lived exactly as has ever lived in ours. But in that world, every single one of CameronK200II984's proposals actually happened. In that world, the 2014 offseason won't be remembered for the Dexter Fowler trade or the Tim Hudson signing. It'll be remembered for the sequence of trades that landed the Tigers practically every good player in baseball.

This is that universe, retrieved through a variety of contemporary accounts.

***

Account 1. Tick-tock of Dombrowski's offseason, excerpted from long feature in ESPN the Magazine:
Finally, after staring at the yellow post-it for what felt like hours, Al Avila looked back up. “I don’t get it,” he said.

“Of course you don’t get it,” Dave Dombrowski told him. “You’re only seeing part of the plan. That’s just step one.”

Avila stared down, reading it again: Step 1: Trade Austin Jackson, Victor Martinez & Jonathan Crawford to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Mark Melancon.

“Seems like a lot, for a reliever,” he told Dombrowski.

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Related Content:  Detroit Tigers

30 comments have been left for this article. (Click to hide comments)

BP Comment Quick Links

UKMariner

Simply genius, Sam.

Mar 28, 2014 03:33 AM
rating: 4
 
antonsirius

The Philip K Dick who was a sportswriter in another multiverse must have been your mentor, Sam. Did you ever get him to sign his essay collection, The Three Stigmata of Jim Palmer, for you?

Mar 28, 2014 04:56 AM
rating: 6
 
yoramb

Brilliant. This article, alone, was worth the cost of my subscription.

Mar 28, 2014 05:18 AM
rating: 6
 
Steveinho

I'm wasting my first comment to share that I'm still gasping for air. Seriously funny stuff.

Mar 28, 2014 05:22 AM
rating: 2
 
Dave Brock

Is it weird that after reading this, I had the same reaction as Brandon McCarthy?

Mar 28, 2014 05:32 AM
rating: 5
 
BP staff member Nick W. Schaller
BP staff

The most impressive thing about that season is that the average team won 86 games

Mar 28, 2014 06:22 AM
 
leez34

Sam, I want you to look me in the eye. So you know when I say this, it is the truth. This...this is a great article.

Mar 28, 2014 07:16 AM
rating: 1
 
batts40

Amazing

Mar 28, 2014 07:31 AM
rating: 1
 
backwardgalaxy

Um, I don't get it.

Mar 28, 2014 07:35 AM
rating: 2
 
BP staff member Sam Miller
BP staff

Buddy, I'm with you.

Mar 28, 2014 08:19 AM
 
BobcatBaseball

Are we sure it wasn't Matt Sussman that wrote the original comment?

Mar 28, 2014 07:40 AM
rating: 1
 
jpringle

Placido Polanco was the icing on the cake! Every Tiger fan regrets losing him.
Great article, and hopefully it all comes true.
GO TIGERS!

Mar 28, 2014 08:04 AM
rating: 0
 
R.A.Wagman

Buk Buk

Mar 28, 2014 08:27 AM
rating: 6
 
rdutchofdukes

That dude is the Tommy Wisseau of insane, stupid fan trade proposals. Every single thought and decision going into crafting that thing is the worst conceivable choice any human being could ever make. The stupidity of it is astounding. I feel like one of the monkeys in 2001 staring at the obelisk when I read it.

Mar 28, 2014 08:28 AM
rating: 1
 
doog7642

Phenomenal. How long have you been chewing on this idea? My brain locked up a little on the meta perspective of Account 5...but the TA got me right back into the groove.

Mar 28, 2014 08:56 AM
rating: 2
 
jfranco77

Unpossible. Tigers would never trade Don Kelly.

Mar 28, 2014 09:27 AM
rating: 11
 
BurrRutledge

It's a parallel universe, jf. You have to suspend disbelief.

Mar 28, 2014 16:40 PM
rating: 1
 
Nathan Aderhold

Chicken Boo!

Mar 28, 2014 09:28 AM
rating: 1
 
justinjabs

This was absolutely incredible. I could not stop laughing.

Mar 28, 2014 09:31 AM
rating: 1
 
PeterBNYC
Other readers have rated this comment below the viewing threshold. Click here to view anyway.

WTF? This is Baseball Prospectus? Cancel my subscription!

Mar 28, 2014 11:32 AM
rating: -14
 
tannerg

No dummy, this is the great Sam Miller.

Mar 28, 2014 13:07 PM
rating: 8
 
msloftus

Fantastic! Can't stop laughing.

Mar 28, 2014 12:35 PM
rating: 0
 
gweedoh565

Those fake word clouds will provide months of laughter fuel. Sam is so generous.

Mar 28, 2014 14:23 PM
rating: 1
 
ddietz2004

I can totally see Dombrowski referring to Avila as a silly bitch.

Mar 28, 2014 15:17 PM
rating: 3
 
vickivee

breathtaking.

Mar 28, 2014 16:43 PM
rating: 0
 
smallflowers

Sam fucking Miller! Amazing.

Dom just gave all of Scherzer and Miggy's money to Miggy. Somewhere CameronK200II984* shudders in disbelief.

Mar 28, 2014 17:47 PM
rating: 0
 
JasonPennini

Funniest thing I have read in some time

Mar 29, 2014 06:49 AM
rating: 0
 
stayathomeDaryl

I laughed and laughed and laughed and then laughed a bit more. Nice work Sam.

Mar 30, 2014 09:01 AM
rating: 0
 
WholeLottaGame

Hilarious! And as one of the maybe .1% of the population who even knows what it is, the presence of pancuronium in the word cloud just made my evening.

Mar 30, 2014 20:13 PM
rating: 0
 
ofMontreal

Sam miller is god

Mar 30, 2014 22:36 PM
rating: 0
 
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