January 28, 2013
The Fantabulous Rap Extravaganza
There aren't a ton of rap lyrics about baseball. This is because baseball is the lamest sport in the world and you and I are the only people who like it. Skimming Rap Genius, I can find more than 100 rap lyrics about LeBron James, but there is literally not a single one that mentions Justin Verlander.
So when a rapper does mention a baseball player, it must mean something, and we'd be fools to ignore whatever it means. So here are three of the most important questions in baseball today, as resolved by rappers:
1. Who is the hottest young star in baseball?
2. Who is the hottest star on the New York Yankees in baseball?
3. Who is the hottest old white man in baseball?
NOTE: Because of the nature of this exercise, all videos should be assumed to have profanity and/or material you might consider offensive. This warning should not be overlooked. I really mean it. Sexist, violent, lurid, homophobic, drug stuff, etc. Really offensive!
Trying to figure out the hottest young star requires a definition for “young,” as three quarters of the league seems young to me because I am old. Buster Posey is certainly youngish, and Cali Elem raps that he’s “tryna be a rookie with a ring like Posey did.” But the bar for young should be lower, so this is going to be limited to players who aren’t yet 25.
Bryce Harper, for instance, has two rap references, including one by the well regarded Wale, whose Wikipedia profile is 2,700 word