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November 27, 2012

Punk Hits

Why Stadium Giveaways Are So Unbelievably Awful

by Ian Miller

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From: [NAME REDACTED], Director of Marketing, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
Subject: Re.: 2013 promotions schedule

Just got the 2013 promotions sched. Not pleased. Chia heads and baseball cards are borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring. And the chia things are $$$!
Scrap it and start over. Let’s have some new ideas. Think outside the dang box for a change!
p.s. Budget still very much in the box. Sponsors won’t pay more than $1/patron. Get creative!

Sent from my Droid RAZR MAXX

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: [NAME REDACTED], Director of Marketing
Subject: re. Re.: 2013 promotions schedule

Great news! I’m excited about the prospect of some new giveaway ideas!!
I’m partial to the “wearable blanket” (the unbranded version of the Snuggie or Slanket) or possibly some Thunder Sticks! (Although that might also be a brand name; I’m confident we can find an unbranded version of those as well, if that’s an issue!)

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Director of Marketing, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
Subject: Re.: re. Re.: 2013 promotions schedule

Dammit, that’s so far in the box that we might as well just hand out boxes at the turnstiles! Ask those interns. We need a totally fresh perspective here.

Sent from my Droid RAZR MAXX

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: interns@
Subject: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Hey guys (and girl!), put your thinking caps on, because I’ve got an assignment for you!
I took a look at the promotions calendar for next year, and frankly it looks pretty mundane. Let’s see if we can come up with some fresh new ideas, OK? So no Thunder Sticks or Slankets, ok? (LOL!)

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Hunter
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Beer

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: Hunter, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Haha! Definitely outside the box, Hunter! But it’s got to be suitable for patrons of all ages!

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Hunter
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Nonalcoholic beer

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: Hunter, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

OK, you got me! :))
But no, nothing that can be used as a projectile either. Oh, and the budget per piece has got to be around a buck. Can’t wait to hear what you guys come up with!!

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Elena
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

What about, like, hand sanitizer? The stadium is always so gross. I’m afraid to touch anything. Eww.

Elena _________
__________ Class of ‘15!

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: Elena, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Good one, Elena! I’ll put that in the “maybe” column!

And keep ‘em comin’!!!

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Hunter
To: Eelena, [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Cool, you can totally drink those

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: Hunter, Elena, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

OK, moving the hand sanitizer from “Maybe” to “No.”
Ideas, people! Let’s hear ‘em!! ^_^

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Casey
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

What about toothpicks? We could get these as cheap as $.03 if we ordered 50,000

http://www.staplespromotionalproducts.com/ProductDetail.aspx?id=9388

-Casey

***

From: Hunter
To: Casey
Subject: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

ur an idiot

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: Casey, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

OK, not a bad idea per se, but let’s try and come up with items that are a little more compelling shall we?
What about this guy? http://www.staplespromotionalproducts.com/ProductDetail.aspx?id=949 He’s a flash drive! Maybe we could get one who looks like a baseball player!

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Hunter
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

flashing shot glass


http://promos-unlimited.logomall.com/productdetail/productdetail.aspx?DPSV_Id=153316&pSRVC_Id=41&id=294758

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: Elena
To: Hunter
Subject: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

That is sooooo cool!

Elena _________
__________ Class of ‘15!

***

From: Casey
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

How about these bracelets?? I like how this one says “GOT R DID!” Just like our team “got r did” last season!

 

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: Casey, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Now we’re cookin’, Casey! Good one!
Hey, what do you guys think of these cool “Risky Business” shades, huh??

http://www.4imprint.com/product/109494/Risky-Business-Sunglasses-Opaque

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Hunter
To:  [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

what’s a risky business

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: Elena
To:  [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

I have no idea what that is lol

Elena _________
__________ Class of ‘15!

***

From: Casey
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

I thought this was really cool. It’s a ruler AND an “oven rack jockey” in one!


http://promos-unlimited.logomall.com/productdetail/productdetail.aspx?DPSV_Id=153316&pSRVC_Id=41&id=305773

We could put a cool slogan on it, like “Do You Measure Up, or Are You Too Hot to Handle?!?”
Just a thought!

-Casey

***

From: Hunter
To:  [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

lol wtf


http://www.staplespromotionalproducts.com/ProductDetail.aspx?id=6836

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: Casey, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Hey, I like what DQ has done here: http://www.promonorm.com/productdetail/productdetail.aspx?DPSV_Id=77194&pSRVC_Id=41&id=302021
Price point is too high, though -- can you guys find something in our budget?

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Hunter
To:  [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

all this is under $1
http://promos-unlimited.logomall.com/featuredproduct/index.aspx?DPSV_Id=677354

maybe we can get [REDACTED] shopping bags that our season ticket holders could wear over their heads. not sure if they do quantities that small tho, heh
http://promos-unlimited.logomall.com/productdetail/productdetail.aspx?DPSV_Id=677354&pSRVC_Id=41&id=295146

Sent directly from my brain

***

From: Elena
To:  [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

We could make highlight reel DVDs and add scratch n’ sniff smells of the staff bathrooms, the locker rooms, and the grease trap at the concessions stand. So gross.

http://promos-unlimited.logomall.com/productdetail/productdetail.aspx?DPSV_Id=677353&pSRVC_Id=41&id=250428

***

From: Casey
To: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Stress ball? http://www.4imprint.com/product/16018/Solid-Color-Stress-Ball
Egg hat? http://promos-unlimited.logomall.com/productdetail/productdetail.aspx?DPSV_Id=153316
Neck wallet? http://www.4imprint.com/product/5245/Neck-Wallet

-Casey

***

From: [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director
To: interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

Good job, everyone. Good effort. I have a pounding headache and I’m going to take the afternoon off.
Let’s put a pin in this for now and revisit tomorrow.

[NAME REDACTED]
Assistant Marketing Director, [TEAM NAME REDACTED]
Going all the way in 2013!

***

From: Hunter
To:  [NAME REDACTED], Assistant Marketing Director, interns@
Subject: re.: re.: Re.: New ideas for 2013 promotions

you could probably grow weed in this

http://promos-unlimited.logomall.com/productdetail/productdetail.aspx?DPSV_Id=677353&pSRVC_Id=41&id=290285#

Sent directly from my brain

Ian Miller is an author of Baseball Prospectus. 
Click here to see Ian's other articles. You can contact Ian by clicking here

16 comments have been left for this article. (Click to hide comments)

BP Comment Quick Links

ChinMusic

Too funny....reads like the script to "The Office". I think Dwight would make someone a great "Assistant to the Marketing Director". Nice job, Ian.

Nov 27, 2012 03:56 AM
rating: 1
 
Rick Lopez

PLEASE make this article free.

Nov 27, 2012 06:28 AM
rating: 2
 
jpaternostro

I think I shared an apartment with Hunter my fourth year of college.

Nov 27, 2012 06:37 AM
rating: 4
 
goiter6

When I was fresh out of college, I wanted to make tacos the next night for dinner. Unfortunately, being fresh out of college I didn't have a cheese grater. This was long enough ago that they didn't sell grated cheese either (or I too cheap to buy it). Oddly enough, I noticed that night the Twins were giving away cheese graters that night. So I went to a Twins game specifically to get a cheese grater so I could have tacos the next night.

That is the only time I can remember where the give away effected my decision on whether to go to game or not. So I would recommend a free cheese grater promotion.

Nov 27, 2012 06:43 AM
rating: 26
 
BP staff member Ian Miller
BP staff

This is very possibly the best SGA-related story I've ever heard.

Way better than the time I almost got into a fist-fight over a slanket.

Nov 27, 2012 08:42 AM
 
goiter6

Actually, I think this story is better...

A few years later I got into a season ticket pool and it happenned our seats were in the row in front of the player's wives. We went to this game where the give away was this crummy Trix rabbit T-shirt. It didn't have the Twins logo on it - just the Trix rabbit. Around the 5th or 6th inning, Paul Molitor's (then) wife comes down with two boxes of these T-shirts. She starts talking to one of the other wives about how they will make great gifts to various relatives. I thought the shirt was crummy as a giveaway - I can't imagine what a nephew of a HOF player would think of it getting one for their birthday. I much preferred he cheese grater...

Nov 27, 2012 19:50 PM
rating: 1
 
Ashitaka1110

You win, sir.

Nov 27, 2012 09:03 AM
rating: 0
 
Ben Solow

Man, I'm an idiot. I totally thought this was going to be about publicly funded stadiums when I clicked through from the email.

This was soooooo much better.

Nov 27, 2012 07:19 AM
rating: 6
 
Rusty Pecker

Id like to point out that the a's actually give out Bacon at games. I love bacon, but I don't want to watch a baseball game with a pack of raw bacon sitting in my lap. #baconlap? Wtf! Also if your a fan of slankets and heavy music look no further: http://www.jsrdirect.com/bands/municipalwaste/

Nov 27, 2012 09:16 AM
rating: 0
 
yoshiki89

that link makes me cry, there are many reasons I retired from death metal, and that is really one of them

Nov 27, 2012 14:06 PM
rating: 1
 
buddons42

Well that pretty much finishes my christmas shopping.

Nov 27, 2012 21:19 PM
rating: 1
 
vansloot

Hunter is awesome.

Being in the marketing/advertising world, I can say that this article is sadly not that far off the mark.

Nov 27, 2012 10:48 AM
rating: 2
 
John Carter

Man, the comedic talent here at this baseball site is unbelievable. Thanks.

Nov 27, 2012 13:03 PM
rating: 0
 
Joe

Fantastic.

Nov 27, 2012 14:01 PM
rating: 0
 
rwinter

Gold

Nov 28, 2012 07:29 AM
rating: 0
 
Vicmill1

I think we should go to the local video/film school and do it as an internet sensation...go from emails to staff meeting. This is comedy gold.

Oh, and BTW, it is so true. I remember the porkpie hats the Mets gave away on Mothers' Day in the 70's and your mother refused to wear one. And the bats that used to go flying from the upper deck until they decided that slankets were safer in the air.

Risky Business and demographics...priceless. I do not envy these marketing goons. Their reputations are out here for everyone to loathe.

Good on ya, mate.

Nov 29, 2012 09:51 AM
rating: 0
 
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