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June 27, 2012

Punk Hits

The Goblins & Gauntlets Monster Manual, MLB Expansion Pack: Pitchers, Vol. 1

by Ian Miller

Welcome to the Monster Manual MLB Expansion Pack! This book contains more than 100 new monsters from the Major League Baseball Multiverse. We’re confident these new creations will make your campaigns more realistic and more exciting than ever.

Stephen Strasburg
Medium-Size Outsider
Hit Dice: 6d20+12
Special Attack: Ghost Change
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

Strasburgs are exceedingly rare creatures, materializing on this plane only once in a generation. They employ a devious combination of speed, power, and control to defeat anyone foolish enough to attack them. Once a Strasburg has the upper hand in battle, he will deploy his special attack Ghost Change, which is a magic missile that is virtually impossible to defend against.

Strasburgs are the earthly agents of two different and conflicting gods: the Aztec god Huitzilopochtli and Boras of Newport Beach. Angering either deity will result in a curse that will follow the character for 1d12 years.

 

 

 

 

Todd Coffey
Huge Ooze, Corporeal
Hit Dice: 1d20
Special Attacks: Dropping Slider, Self-Generated Gravitational Pull
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Coffeys are deceptively fast for creatures of this size. They are also deceptively strong, especially if they believe there is cake in the vicinity. When encountering a Coffey, characters carrying babka, brioche, elven bread, gingerbread, hard-Tack, pretzel, strudel, or yak butter must make a saving throw against Extreme Appetite.

Coffeys feed not only on corporeal food, but also on fear. They are sometimes found in the vicinity of Mr. Reds (see “Mascots” Appendix in “Deities & Demigods MLB Expansion Pack”), consuming the fear generated in children by the giant, baseball-headed demon.

 

 

Mariano Rivera
Medium-Size Humanoid (Extra-Dimensional)
Hit Dice: 12d12+12
Special Attacks: Cutter (duh)
Alignment: Lawful Good

While Rivera is a mortal being from another dimension, his powers make him indistinguishable from a god. Because of a gross miscarriage of justice on his home world, Panama IV, he has been banished to Earth and enslaved by the Yankees to save games for them for all eternity. The lifespan on his planet is incalculable by human standards, so he does not appear to age.

He maintains a Fortress of Solitude-style lair in New Rochelle under the remains of his former restaurant, where he sits, surrounded by treasure and countless awards, and dreams of returning to his home and the race of beings he once loved.

 

 

 

 

Jeff Karstens
Humanoid(ish) River Wizard 
Hit Dice: 4d12-4
Special Attacks: DERP face, stone gaze
Alignment: Chaotic Evil

River Wizards like Karstens can bend the water and its flora and fauna to their own evil will. Basically they’re like trollish Aquamen. Karstens can, at will, attack with a DERP face that renders opponents overcome with laughter for two turns. When angry or confused, he can also unleash a Stone Gaze that will petrify anyone with a 30-foot radius.

Karstens' mortal enemy is Ryan Braun (see “Hitters” section of the Expansion Pack), who is still seeking revenge against Karstens for incidents lost in the mists of history. Any party accompanied by or aligned with Braun will send Karstens into a berserker rage once per encounter.

 

 

 

Aroldis Chapman
Humanoid (Supernatural)
Hit Dice: 2d20
Special Attacks: Cuban Missile
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

A rare creature from the plane of Andorra, Chapmans use their incredible power (18) to deploy blistering Cuban Missiles. However, they are not especially accurate, so players may avoid the Cuban Missile by walking if they make a +2 saving throw against Dexterity.

 

 

 

R.A. Dickey
Magical Aberration (Extraplanar)
Hit Dice: 10d6+3
Special Attacks: Knuckleball
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

Equally at home on city streets or in driving mountain snow, Dickeys are formidable foes. A rare combination of warrior and spellcaster, they wield a magic missile Knuckleball that is nearly impossible to defend against, as well as two vorpal blades, Orcrist and Hrunting.

The Dickey’s Knuckleball is distinguished from that of other extraplanar aberrations, such as Tim Wakefield, by its speed. Dickeys are also quite thoughtful and well-read, and as such are open to parlay. Their beards offer them +8 defense against facial attacks.

 

 

Ronald Belisario
Large Reptile
Hit Dice: 6d6-6
Special Attacks: Heavy Sinker, Lizard Tongue
Alignment: Neutral Evil

The Belisario is a large, shambling amphibian found in marshy areas. It deploys a Heavy Sinker missile attack (-2 Dexterity saving throw) and, when grappling, can attack opponents with a prehensile tongue. Belisarios can sometimes be outwitted by asking them to produce a valid visa or to take a drug test.

 

 

Jamie Moyer
Humanoid (Undead)
Hit Dice: 12d20
Special Attacks: Withering Gaze, Teleportation
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

When encountered in the wild, a Moyer initially appears as a wizened old man and uses his appearance to lull his victims into a false sense of security. In reality, Moyers are tireless hunters, constantly on the trail of virgin pitching prospects on which to feed. They are cunning creatures who use guile to track their prey, subdue them, and feast on their elbow ligaments.

In addition to the Withering Gaze attack (pictured), Moyers can teleport from one location to another. They may appear in three different cities, separated by thousands of miles, in the course of a single campaign. They cannot be killed. The only way to defeat a Moyer is to wait until he tires himself out and gets lifted for a pinch-hitter (National League universe rules only).

 

 

 

Bronson Arroyo
Humanoid (Ethereal)
Hit Dice: 1d12
Special Attacks: Mournful Wail
Alignment: Lawful Evil

Arroyos are generally harmless creatures, but, when threatened, will seek to repel attackers with a Mournful Wail. The wail will continue until either he or his attackers are dead or have been repelled.

Some Arroyos have corn-rows that can grasp opponents during hand-to-hand combat (–20 penalty on grapple check), while others make car commercials so ridiculous that opponents are incapacitated for 1d4 turns.

 

 

 

 

Yu Darvish
Magical Humanoid (Interdimensional)
Hit Dice: 4d20+6
Special Attacks: Shuuto
Alignment: Chaotic Good

The Darvish, not to be confused with the dervish, is the mystical offspring of beings from Persia and Nihon. Darvishes can be summoned to a given plane by an invocation to Nippon Ham and an offering of 50 million gold pieces. Their special attack is a Shuuto, which inflicts 1d6 extra damage on right-handed characters and 2d6 additional damage on characters of the Selleck class.

While the Darvish is a fierce opponent, he can be wild, and opponents are often well-served just waiting him out. As the official spokesmodel of DyDo's D-1 canned coffee, he is immune to sleep and paralysis effects.

Ian Miller is an author of Baseball Prospectus. 
Click here to see Ian's other articles. You can contact Ian by clicking here

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