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October 15, 2002

The Daily Prospectus

A Fan's Guide to the Series

by Derek Zumsteg

Fans, you may be confused by the topsy-turvy world of this year's playoffs. You may be looking at the paper and thinking "I guess the Yankees have another off day... that's what, a week of them in a row? At least they're well-rested.

Never fear. To better serve our readers and enhance shareholder value, we've compiled a list of who you should be cheering for, and why:

Fan of Cheer for Why
Astros Giants Loved seeing LaRussa get ass handed to him after seeing him twenty times during season.
Athletics Angels Cross-bay rivals must be stopped.
Blue Jays Angels If the team that beats the Yankees wins Series, Steinbrenner goes insane.
Braves Giants Only NL team not to have knocked Braves out of playoffs in last ten years.
Brewers Angels By knocking off Twins, prevented further Selig-related embarassment in Metrodome.
Cardinals Angels Ill feelings after Barry Bonds' clutch performances.
Cubs Giants Annoying work ethic-centered Angels set bad example.
Devil Rays Angels No franchise is without hope if the Angels can get to the World Series.
Diamondbacks Giants Old timers remember New York Gothams fondly.
Dodgers Angels Not permitted to cheer for Giants.
Expos Whoever There aren't any fans in Montreal anyway. Even Jonah lives on the West Coast and goes to Angels games.
Indians Giants If Barry can be this good this old, maybe Thome will have career year when Tribe's good again.
Mariners Giants @#$@#% Rally Monkey kept Mariners out of playoffs.
Marlins Death Franchise still in Loria hands.
Mets Angels Beat the Yankees!
Orioles Angels Syd Thrift loves monkeys.
Padres Angels Had to see Bonds beat up on taped-together-rotation all year long.
Phillies Giants Jeff Kent reminds them of Mickey Morandini, in a weird way, sort of.
Pirates Giants Kent-Bonds relationship reminds them of "We Are Family" teams.
Rangers Angels You try and go .500 in the AL West.
Red Sox Angels The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Knocking the Yankees out early makes you my best friend.
Reds Giants Gives hope it's not too late for Griffey to become Best Player Ever.
Rockies Giants Winning Super Bowl forces teams to lose starting lineup due to salary cap... right?
Royals Angels Maybe Muser was right all along with military analogies designed to get maximum effort from players.
Tigers Angels Trammell plans to bring similar scrappy play to talentless collection of scrubs.
Twins Angels Must root for nearly identical, hard-nosed-playing, uniform-dirtying guys.
White Sox Angels Moderately talented squad with few huge contracts gives hope to fans of Reisdorf-owned, ill-managed club.
Yankees Giants Angels win, entire NY braintrust replaced with members of Steinbrenner's home tribe.

Hoping this helps you through these chaotic times,


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<< Previous Article
The Week in Quotes: Oc... (10/14)
<< Previous Column
The Daily Prospectus: ... (10/07)
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The Daily Prospectus: ... (10/28)
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