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March 28, 2012

BP Unfiltered

Opening Day Haikus

by Stephani Bee

Arizona Diamondbacks
Big price for Cahill
Ballpark will boost the offense
Wee Willie: Two years?

Atlanta Braves
Injuries slam spring
Can Heyward, Uggla bounce back?
Hanson: Good as new?

Baltimore Orioles
What are they doing?
Need pitching, Duquette on track
Missing Guthrie yet?

Boston Red Sox
Need to stay healthy
Paula Deen can’t cater here
Crawford to bounce back?

Chicago Cubs
Rebuilding takes time
New front office in the house
Garza a goner

Chicago White Sox
Buyers or sellers?
Ozzie ousted; Dunn, not cooked?
Zero farm system

Cincinnati Reds
Big bats leave Central
Pitching and Votto the keys
In it to win it

Cleveland Indians
Kids need seasoning
Searching for identity
‘Choo talkin’ about?

Colorado Rockies
Win Scutaro deal
Questionable rotation
Cue Moyer “old” jokes

Detroit Tigers
Infield heavyweights
Verlander, Fister, then what?
Stars and scrubs approach

Houston Astros
Morose in majors
No prospects in farm system
One syllable: Ouch

Kansas City Royals
Up-and-coming team
Prospects have to earn their keep
Signing young new norm

Los Angeles Angels
The surprise spenders
Six Angels in the outfield
Who’s on the corners?

Los Angeles Dodgers
McCourts are dunzo
Two-year deals for everyone!
Last call for Loney

Miami Marlins
Big buys won winter
Hanley, Johnson must produce
Please don’t hit homers

Milwaukee Brewers
Prince danced to Motown
Plush, Greinke, Marcum remain
Do you miss Yuni?

Minnesota Twins
Concussed to cellar
No young help in near future
But can they throw strikes?

New York Mets
Meet Mets: Still a mess
Will they throw knuckler, keep Wright?
A PR nightmare

New York Yankees
Revamped rotation
Can old offense keep chugging?
Mo’ magic in ninth

Oakland Athletics
Forgot the infield
Good thing unis have name tags
Cespedes for real?

Philadelphia Phillies
Rotation the strength
Big bats missing; where’d Brown go?
Anyone healthy?

Pittsburgh Pirates
Suffering for years
Talent not ready for bigs
Sorry, Pirates fans

San Diego Padres
Smart extensions and
Prospect hauls highlight winter
Front office problems

San Francisco Giants
Posey the lone bat
Great pitching; where’s the hitting?
Wanted: Brandon Belt

Seattle Mariners
King Felix leads way
Jesus can’t save the offense
More than whiff of Smoak?

St. Louis Cardinals
Big Bird flew the coop
La Russa and Duncan too
Better luck next year

Tampa Bay Rays
Not going away
Moore production for low Price
Pena toes the Line

Texas Rangers
Cruz control in West
Pass the Borbon; power up
Young, classy? Yu bet.

Toronto Blue Jays
Built deep talent pool
Could soon be a powerhouse
Well, not Jeff Mathis

Washington Nationals
Celebrate Strasmas
Zimms, pitching make club dark horse
Harper on the clock

Stephani Bee is an author of Baseball Prospectus. 
Click here to see Stephani's other articles. You can contact Stephani by clicking here

21 comments have been left for this article. (Click to hide comments)

BP Comment Quick Links


These are awesome; well done!

Mar 28, 2012 04:49 AM
rating: 8
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Thank you for reading :)

Mar 28, 2012 13:23 PM
Lloyd Cole

Churned its writers
Turned towards fantasy
Still itself? We hope.

Mar 28, 2012 08:44 AM
rating: -2
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Baseball Prospectus
Can't forget our past
Far too many greats to name
We still pack a punch

Mar 28, 2012 13:24 PM

Opening day game
Not broadcast live on t.v.?
Stupid Bud Selig.

Mar 28, 2012 09:39 AM
rating: 7

2-point-one million
Frank McCourt's smoldering mess
Rewarded in end

Mar 28, 2012 09:45 AM
rating: 0

2-point-one *b*illion
Frank McCourt's smoldering mess
Rewarded in end

Mar 28, 2012 09:45 AM
rating: 1
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Not even parking
But with a Magic future
Poor fans can win, too

Mar 28, 2012 13:27 PM

Steph, your Cards bit's weak.
"Better luck next year," you say?
How can things improve?

Mar 28, 2012 10:40 AM
rating: 1
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Miller will catch fast
Going international
Again, Birds fly high

Mar 28, 2012 13:28 PM

Thank you very much.
I meant, compared to LAST year.
Who can beat a ring?

Mar 29, 2012 08:52 AM
rating: 1
Dave Holgado

Sh*t still doesn't rhyme
Limericks are way more fun
Not just counting words

E.g.,... Boston:

There once was a Sox in Pawtucket
Whose glove was great, and he could chuck it
But Bobby V., it appears,
thinks Aviles "strikes fear,"
So as for the defense, well...

In all seriousness, glad to see this piece make a return, after KG tried it with his org prospect rankings a while back. I just, ya know... never liked haiku.

Mar 28, 2012 12:45 PM
rating: 0
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Haikus can still rhyme
But maybe it’s not their time
Not yet in their prime

Next time, limerick
Then I can get them out quick
Just hope they will stick

I mess with meter
On the bubble, I teeter
No comment beater

Thank you for reading
You help give my work meaning
You, I’m not beaning

Mar 28, 2012 13:22 PM
Dave Holgado


Mar 28, 2012 15:03 PM
rating: 2
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Thanks! Next time, I'll rhyme.

Mar 28, 2012 15:16 PM

Nicely done and entertaining

Mar 28, 2012 13:43 PM
rating: 1
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Thanks, and thanks for reading!

Mar 28, 2012 15:17 PM
Karl Barth

Giants retort:

Fantasy team hopes
Steph Bee was just forgetful
Sandoval can mash

Mar 28, 2012 18:00 PM
rating: 1
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Panda has his stripes
If Jack Black can stay away
Earn a Kung Fu Belt :)

Mar 29, 2012 14:14 PM

New writer off leash
Stephi Bee funny as hell
Keep up the good work

Mar 29, 2012 13:03 PM
rating: 1
BP staff member Steph Bee
BP staff

Been around a bit
No PECOTA forecast yet
Hope percentile high ;)

Mar 29, 2012 16:35 PM
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