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1) Communal Fondue

Since the beginning of man and the beginning of cheese, man has been enjoying cheese in a community setting. I live my life by the adage that community cheese equals community love, yet I can’t participate in community cheese while attending baseball games, and that is very disappointing. Listen up, Major League Baseball: it’s time for communal fondue at all parks, mandatory cheese to encourage goodwill and togetherness.

Hot, melted, delicious cheese is the perfect accessory to any dish, but very rarely is cheese allowed to wear the big suit. Yes, cheese is a featured player in nachos—a common dish found at ballparks across North America—but nachos are always more chip than cheese, and let’s not even pretend that the quality of nacho cheese allows it to stand on its own in the first place. Fondue is the perfect vehicle for cheese, putting the product on the pedestal it deserves, distributing its molten curds onto the various accessories you choose to dip into its golden loins. I can take a sanitary stick of some variety, plunge its sharp spike into a piece of cubed bread or cooked meat, and then dip the sanitary spike into a cheesy pit of love. I can watch my fellow man plunge his sanitary stick into our shared cheese, bringing us closer together in the process. My cheese is his cheese, and together we feed as one.

My proposal: Set-up hundreds (even thousands!) of communal cheese stations throughout the ballpark, with different cheeses for different sections, with different edible accessories ready to partner with the cheese offered by nearby vendors. Every paying costumer is issued one sanitary stainless steel spike as they enter the park, with additional sanitary spikes available if you happen to misplace or destroy your device during the feeding process. If you use the sharpened spike for anything other than cheese consumption, your cheese consumption privileges will be revoked for the season—the ultimate punishment to any paying costumer.

Communal cheese breeds communal love, as the outcomes on the field will matter far less than the outcomes of the cheese stations, bringing together fans and foes alike. Don’t like my team? Big deal. I see you enjoy the same cheese with the same edible accessory as I do, so you are okay in my book. Grab your spikes, find a cheese station, and make a friend. —Jason Parks

2) Fun Dip (AKA Lik-M-Aid)

Fun Dip is a sugar stick that you dip in sugar. Another way of looking at it is as a sack of sugar that you eat with a utensil made of sugar. A third way is that it is all sugar and it is delicious. It's the most efficient sugar delivery system we've developed. I've typed sugar so many times it doesn't look like a word anymore. S-U-G-A-R? That can't be right. Please vote for Fun Dip. —Sam Miller

3) Boudin Balls

College baseball is king and a mad hatter rules the town, but nonetheless, Southern Louisiana has a snack worthy of inclusion on every Major League Baseball menu. In keeping with the spherical theme of the game, this Cajun treat is the Boudin Ball. A battered and fried ball of Cajun goodness, most commonly these are made from pork rice dressing but can also be made from beef or seafood without straying from tradition. Much like the hot dog—itself a tradition at the ballpark—the Boudin Ball has its own customary dipping substance. This, however, is not your dad’s ketchup and mustard. This is a must have combination of curry and mayo. This is remoulade. This is a snack dressing with a kick that is unequaled in American cuisine.

Rice dressing itself is a Cajun dish to behold, but fried rice dressing is simply not fair. This fried treat is powerful enough to make even the healthiest eater cave to temptation. Without a doubt, this would already be a "ballpark food" if Louisiana had a team. That said, I'd love to see it on the menu at Comerica Park and across Major League Baseball. —Adam Tower

4) Bombe Alaska

This suggestion isn’t based on taste, though a little more ice cream, sponge cake, and meringue wouldn’t go amiss at most stadiums. This one is all about the spectacle. Admittedly, fans who find the wave distracting might take even less kindly to a flaming dessert, but sometimes a little distraction goes a long way. According to this recipe, the bombe Alaska is a “real show-stopper”—exactly what we need during blowouts or those late-season affairs between the Mariners and Royals. After all, even the most ardent fan has to tune out sometimes. Miguel Olivo is up? Kyle Davies coming in? Instead of staring at the crimes being committed on the field, why not scan the stands for potential pyrotechnics caused by bombe Alaska buyers on their way back to their seats? Who wouldn’t want to see the eyebrows singed off the guy behind home plate who was too intent on waving to the camera to take proper precautions with his concession stand purchase? If the arrival of a vocal beer guy brightens your day, just wait till you see the commotion caused by a visit from the bombe Alaska guy. The mechanics of bombe Alaska preparation at the park might be complicated, but I’ll let someone else deal with the details. If they can build ballpark-safe guns that shoot t-shirts, surely they can find a way to bring us flambé.—Ben Lindbergh

5) Burritos

A cursory glance at my credit card statement for any of the spring or summer months will reveal two things about me: I love baseball (that's what all those Ticketmaster charges are), and I love burritos. In a world where I can get a bacon cheeseburger nuzzled between two warm, artery-wrecking Krispy Kreme doughnuts and something called a funnel dog, why is it so difficult to find a burrito? —Bradley Ankrom

6) Thanksgiving Dinner

I’m not just talking about a slab of turkey or a corn on the cob; I’m talking about the whole enchilada (or whatever the 17th century New England equivalent would be).  Turkey, stuffing, gravy, cranberry relish, green bean casserole, corn, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, hard cider, pumpkin pie—the works.  Maybe this is just my latent desire for Turkey Day to get here now manifesting itself, but I think the Thanksgiving dinner deservers a spot in the ballparks of America’s favorite pastime.  After all, what meal better symbolizes perserverance and friendship?  And what’s more American than that?  Sure, baseball season never comes close to approaching Thanksgiving, but that shouldn’t stop us from enjoying the most satisfying meal of the year on every possible occasion.  I find myself indulging at least five times per year, anyway, so I’m not going to complain if the ballpark crew puts in the preparation efforts in lieu of my own.  Are you?

Call me crazy, but this wouldn’t even need to be confined to the ballpark.  The world would be a better place if Thanksgiving dinner were served everywhere.  Required to attend jury duty?  There’s a black-and-white-clad chap in a funny hat dishing out turkey right there in the courthouse.  Have a PTA meeting to go to?  There’s a scantily-clad Native American woman scooping stuffing in the… actually, that might get some of the dads in trouble, but you get the idea.  Thanksgiving dinner: a welcome addition to any environment. —Derek Carty

7) The $2 Veggie Taco and the $3.50 Microbrew

Back in the dark ages, when my wife was my girlfriend, it was very hard to find anything at the ballpark that she would choose to eat based on something more than her innate desire not to be high-maintenance—a quality that certainly aided her quick ascension from girlfriend to wife. Since then, however, ballparks have come a long way towards providing a wider variety of food options, especially with regard to healthier food and specialty diets. Nowadays, it’s not uncommon to find gluten-free food and beer (by the way, ick) or vegan options on the menu alongside the traditional dogs and beer. One thing hasn’t changed, however: the sky-high price of ballpark concessions, especially specialty foods that are less likely to apply putty to your ventricles.

Thus, I would love to see my favorite concession stand meal from last summer available at every ballpark: a $2 veggie taco, washed down with a $3.50 microbrew, as served at a Humboldt Crabs game in Arcata, California. I may be wrong about the exact prices—in fact, the taco may have been a buck that night—but not by much, and while both were more serviceable than transcendental, they rated miles above standard ballpark fare and came at a fraction of the price. As Dayn Perry famously pointed out, you can have beer AND tacos—you just shouldn’t have to dig into your HELOC to afford both. If you can enjoy them while listening to the World Famous Crab Grass Band tear through a spirited rendition of “Smooth Criminal,” all the better. —Ken Funck

8) Apple Pie

Baseball is, of course, constantly referred to as America’s Pastime. The recent influx of new stadiums has brought with them a bevy of new non-traditional stadium fare, but one key component is missing: apple pie. Nothing fits the traditional, clichéd American menu more than apple pie. It’s perfect for every baseball occasion—the cold of the spring and fall or even celebrating the country on the 4th of July through the rest of the summer. Warm apple pie is not only delicious, but it’s far more patriotic than hot dogs, peanuts, cracker jacks, or garlic fries and should be mandatory at all stadiums. The only hindrance to this idea is the potential distribution of pies. At Yankee Stadium, there is a butcher cutting up slices of meat on the lower level; shouldn’t there be room for a baker as well? I can already imagine a family of four grabbing an entire apple pie to have some at the game and bring the rest of it back for dessert that night.

On an individual apple pie slice level, the new CBA needs to negotiate some method of distributing individual apple pie slices at MLB games to the masses. Should it be in the rectangle shape in which McDonald’s hands out their disgusting slices? Is there an effective way to distribute the traditional triangle shape? Most importantly, can there be a method to pass out via people going up and down aisles without compromising the integrity of the pastry? These are all questions that must be resolved by the start of next season so that America’s pastime can have the most American dessert distributed throughout all 30 stadiums next year. It’s far more important and necessary than adding a second Wild Card. —Sam Tydings

9) Slim Jims

A few years ago I was in the Colorado Rockies' clubhouse before a game, and I saw one of their staff members eating this enormous Slim Jim. I don't know if he was a trainer, a strength coach, or part of the clubhouse staff, and I guess it really doesn't matter. It got me thinking, though, that Slim Jims would fit right in with most ballpark fare as they are overpriced, greasy, and not very healthy for you. Plus, the name is funny. It all makes perfect sense to me. —John Perrotto

10) Smoked Turkey Leg

In 1999, my pal Nick Stone and I decided that the impending closure of the venerable Tiger Stadium demanded action. Students of baseball history, we had learned about how the park (open since 1912) was renowned for its intimacy; fans in the seats were far closer to the action on the field than in nearly any other ballpark. Wanting to experience this firsthand, we plotted a late-September baseball trip that would start in Cleveland (where we would see the Indians' dynamo battle the Yankees at the relatively new Jacobs Field), pass through Detroit (where we'd see the Indians play the Tigers), and conclude in Chicago (where we'd see the Cubs and Sammy Sosa take on the Cardinals and Mark McGwire). Side trips to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland and the Motown Museum in Detroit, as well as a visit to Nick's stepbrother in Chicago, only sweetened the deal.

For our night at Tiger Stadium, we were seated in foul territory down the left field line, close enough to the players that I threatened to yell, "Have you stopped beating your wife?" at domestic abuser Wil Cordero. Of course, by this time the beer—a veritable bucket of beverage delivered by an affable vendor named J.D., who urged us to call specifically for him when we needed a refill—was doing some of the talking. Though we had dined in Greektown before the game, we inevitably had to sample the ballpark's wares. History does not record what I settled for, but Nick purchased a smoked turkey leg that was comically large. It looked like something straight out of the Flintstones, a brontosaurus leg that might be used as a war club should the situation turn ugly—should I make good on my threat, say, only to have Cordero climb into the stands to confront me. And it was—as Nick kept reminding me with every bite, and as I briefly sampled—delicious.

Via Google, I know that there are major league ballparks that do sell smoked turkey drumsticks. Hell, for all I know, they may sell them in some part of new Yankee Stadium that I have yet to find. But just as no extant ballpark can match the gritty, soulful charm of Tiger Stadium, I'm quite sure no smoked turkey leg sold at those venues can live up to the one we sampled that September evening in 1999. I want one of my own now, please. —Jay Jaffe

11) Poutine

I’m cheating a bit in this selection, because poutine used to be served in a major-league ballpark. This Quebecois combo of French fries topped with cheese curds and brown gravy was a staple of Olympic Stadium in Montreal. Before the Expos were relocated to Washington D.C., I had the privilege of indulging while being guided by fellow BP-er and Mr. Expo himself Jonah Keri. Having done so, I can report that while this is a very filling ballpark snack to consume while watching some latter-day Andre Dawson take his hacks, it is not neat. If you aren’t careful, you will end up wearing the French-Canadian national dish, which can lead to joining the Mounties and being elected prime minister. The other risk in consuming poutine is that it’s simply not good for you. This seems a silly thing to say given that very little in the way of ballpark food is healthful—thanks to New York City’s calorie-display laws, we now know that a single bucket of Yankee Stadium popcorn could satisfy the weekly nutritional requirements of an African white rhino—but poutine in its most basic form is deep-fried tuber, sour milk fats, and beef gravy. This is a dish that lets your cardiologist keep both a wife and mistress in style. That said, it’s hard to imagine a snack that would be better suited to a cool night atop the Green Monster than this hot bowl of potatoes ‘n’ goo from our friends to the north. —Steven Goldman

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TheBrewersFan
11/10
Poutine in ballparks isn't dead: It was added to the Miller Park concession menu last Winter as a result of a fan recipe contest.
http://milwaukee.brewers.mlb.com/mil/ballpark/information/index.jsp?content=guide
Lindemann
11/10
My suggestions (and yes, I have thought about this too much):

Pupusas. Sure, there's a lack of familiarity, but this Salvadoran fast-food delight is really just two small tortillas fried up with beans and/or cheese, plus an optional additional filling. Unlike the burrito, it's easy to hold and eat without making a mess, and ballparks could serve delicious Salvadoran coleslaw on the side.

Samosas. Another handheld delight. Note that things being handheld and fried are key on this list.

A state fair booth serving the latest in deep-fried goodness. This should be updated regularly with innovations from around the country. Just because I don't live in Iowa doesn't mean I shouldn't get to eat fried butter, dammit.

Fresh fruit. Yeah, after all that. The hot-dog cart outside the stadium can sell me a banana, but the stadium itself can't? I fail to see the institutional issues involved (except perhaps the fan rebellion about a banana being sold for $2.50 or some ridiculous amount).

Finally, if Jason Parks thinks you can put a communal cheese dipping urn within 50 feet of a Phillies fan without results that are unfortunate, likely verging on tragic, he hasn't seen enough Phillies fans.
69wildcat
11/10
I think the reason that ballpark concession stands don't sell fresh fruit is that many of them (oranges, apples, etc.) are just the right size and shape to throw at the visiting team, at least when whole.

I too enjoy the emphasis on humor; you have to have some relief from a constant display of numbers.
Scartore
11/10
Great American Ballpark started offering fresh fruit at games this year.
jjaffe
11/10
Hell yes on the pupusas. This past summer I've discovered their delicious glory via the food trucks at the Red Hook ball fields in Brooklyn, where one can also feast on outstanding authentic tacos and other delicacies. When I go there, I think about eating two lunches, there's so much good stuff to sample.

Now I am bummed that the trucks are all gone until springtime.
gdragon1977
11/10
It's crazy, right? I just moved nearby and I didn't realize that those food trucks were so serious, like people travel some distance to eat at them. But they are absolutely delicious.
pjbenedict
11/10
I have enjoyed what seems to be a greater emphasis on humor here in the last years. I am starting to feel not only interest in coming here, but warmth and a sense of potential surprise. These articles have been fun, and Parks and Granillo and Span have mixed things up without hampering the core stuff. Thanks.
bornyank1
11/10
Yankee Stadium has a fresh fruit stand. I don't know what the prices are like, but judging by the sticker shock everywhere else at that ballpark, I'm guessing $2.50 for a banana would be a bargain.
jparks77
11/10
In Mexico City, where the Diablos Rojos play, they serve communal ceviche. It's such a bad idea. I've tried it. I'm stupid.
jjaffe
11/10
Good lord, that sounds like a pandemic waiting to happen.
Asinwreck
11/10
It does. As does communal fondue.
jparks77
11/10
Communal fondue could be the "Give Peace a Chance" of the 21st Century.
kenfunck
11/10
This message has been brought to you by the Wisconsin Dairy Council.

Oh, and "I can watch my fellow man plunge his sanitary stick into our shared cheese" is NSFW.
jparks77
11/10
My finest moment.
randolph3030
11/10
Does any place serve Empanadas? Easily transportable, plenty of fillings, great with beer and even better when they sit around for a while. Plus, the more times you use the frying grease, the better they taste.

You could even have a fun vendor who throws them around a la the peanut guy. "Five Sausage and Lime Emps! Get your five sausage and lime EMPS here!" "Hey Empanada guy!" - passes the yelling down the aisle test to me.
jhardman
11/10
The communal cheese had me in the floor. I love both the humor and the legitimate suggestions stated here, and as a fan who got to see only one game at Tiger, and sat on the first row in the left field jut with a big turkey leg and a big brat before that - I say bravo. Now if I could have just had a bit of poutine spread over that....

Also, the poutine should only be served by truck. Same with the burritos. :-)
dbiester
11/10
I spent years living down the horror of spilling cheese fries on the back of the guy in front of me at Yankee Stadium. We both had the same Sunday ticket package. So the vision of communal fondue hit me hard.

jjaffe
11/10
My pal Nick was able to dig up a photo that I must have taken of him eating the turkey leg under discussion (the one above is a generic stand-in): http:lockerz.com/s/154921349
thecoolerking
11/11
Jay, if I remember correctly, you didn't just threaten to yell that at Cordero, you actually did it. Man, that was a great turkey leg.
KBarth
11/11
Wait a minute...look at those user numbers. Nick has had a BP account for a bajillion years longer than Jay?

And turkey legs are great. I love seeing little kids eat 'em. Reminds me of the old saying, "Never eat anything bigger than your head."
jjaffe
11/11
I was a subscriber before I was a BP contributor, at which point I was granted a complimentary subscription via a separate account. Years later the original account was closed down. I'm not sure what that presumably triple-digit account number was, though; had I thought about its hipster cachet, I might have maintained it.

I will take one more opportunity to point out that over the years, Nick has not only been a supportive patron of BP, he has been a frequent sounding board for my ideas, and a source of many a joke that found their way onto these pages under my byline. Anyone who enjoys my work should raise their glass (or turkey leg) to him, as I do now. Thanks, Nick!
thecoolerking
11/11
Aw, shucks. You're very welcome, its been a pleasure!
jnewfry
11/11
I just want to point out my hipster cache small number.. that is all.
bradleyankrom
11/12
If you guys are Williamsburg, I'm Sunset Park...
Ahutch138
11/10
Communal Cheese would totally work in standing room only areas and other unique standing areas at a ballpark (not urinals...well)But the free spike misses out on a wonderful opportunity to make money. Of course any true fan would have an officially licensed team spike! We need to make this happen so I can buy all you can eat season tickets and just chug delicious cheese.
jsdspud
11/10
I read communal cheese and the first sentence of the paragraph and knew it had to be Jason Parks. Keep up the good work.
fawcettb
11/10
You're all going to die of cholesterol poisoning....
69wildcat
11/10
Everybody is going to die. The death rate is the same as it has always been, one per person. Lighten up and enjoy :-)
delatopia
11/11
Fat is overrated as a dietary no-no. Carbs are much worse for you.
VDracul
11/10
Randy Savage "Snap into a Slim Jim! OHHHH YEAHHHH!!!"
He is missed.
zasxcdfv
11/10
A burrito would be amazing. A bunch of places have nachos, which is a start.
gyoung858
11/10
Having lived in Southern California nearly all my life, I'd assumed burritos at the ballpark were a given. I didn't realize they aren't available everywhere, although now that I think about it, why would they be?

Yet another reminder of the danger in making assumptions about the world based on one's own experiences...
jjaffe
11/10
Nachos and burritos aren't in the same ballpark, gastronomically speaking. The cheese used in most ballpark nachos is 30-grade toxic waste.
bradleyankrom
11/10
+1
BillJohnson
11/12
Having sustained food poisoning that apparently resulted from a cheese pizza at the otherwise excellent 3Com Stadium, I can vouch for the literal truth of this.
BeplerP
11/10
Will you please have a care for the subscribers who are on caloric limits for health reasons? Sheesh. This is food porn! I didn't sign up for this. I will be writing to my Congressman about punitive legislation directed at poutine- after all, it's CANADIAN!
Kongos
11/10
Some of the food stalls at the Rogers Centre also intermittently sell poutine.
myshkin
11/10
For what it's worth, SAFECO Field in Seattle has a poutine stand. I've never had poutine in Quebec, but it tasted pretty good to me.
ChoppertoChipper
11/10
"Dip into its golden loins" has got to be the middle line of a haiku.
eighteen
11/11
Communal fondue.
Dip into its golden loins.
Give us your disease.
tinseltown
11/10
My votes for Montreal delicacies to return to a ballpark near you are Montreal-style smoked meat, and Montreal-style bagels. Just marvelous eating...
hotstatrat
11/11
St. Viater bagels, yes; not so much Freemont bagels.

The tastiest snack I ever had at a ball park was at Stade Olylmpic: a beaver tail - a beaver tail shaped pizza with butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon.
Nickus
11/11
The best thing I ever had watching an Expos game was the shot of whiskey the steward brought to me.
dturkenk
11/11
I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised by being able to order cognac from the seats behind home plate in Montreal.
dodgerken222
11/11
There was a time when people could bring sandwiches and their own food to the ballpark. Last time ( last in every sense of the word) I went to Yankee Stadium two years ago, I wasn't even allowed to bring in an empty carrying bag. It's just interesting to me that in this dicussion of how ballparks can find additional ways to suck money out of fans, there is no mention of just a simple return to freedom. You want fresh fruit? Let ballparks let you bring in a damned apple! It's already way over triple digits with tickets and parking. While we're at it, let people smoke again in an open-air stadium. Bring some freedom back for a change.
OK, all you people who think you'll live forever...have at it.
gyoung858
11/11
Many people, myself included, bring outside food into Petco Park on a regular basis. I don't know about other ballparks, but it isn't a problem here.
frampton
11/11
I've always brought food into Candlestick and then Willie Mays Field, as well as the Oakland Coliseum. (I am partial to the Italian Combo sandwich from Genova Delicatessen in Oakland, plus the artichoke torte, have been doing that since I lived near the deli in 1976.) However, a couple of years ago I went to a Warriors game at the Arena, they wouldn't let me bring in a sandwich. Sad to think that it's the wave of the future that stadia will prevent folks from bringing in their own food, so that can ensure that folks have to buy $6 hot dogs (not to mention $9 beers -- I know that neither place will allow you to bring in alcohol, like we did in the 70s and 80s . . .).
saigonsam
11/12
People can bring food into Safeco Field. At least they could a few years ago.
dodgerken222
11/11
I'm gonna say it first....I know, I know..non-smokers have rights too...we have freedom not to get cancer...I know the routine. I realize that years of propoganda have worked. Just take a look at films of crowds in ballparks a few decades ago...and how many people were smoking. You really think all of the others were that affected by "secondary smoke?" In an open-aired stadium???? Yeah..I'm old and I'm thankful for that every day. Because I was able to go to a ballgame when it was enjoyable and affordable. And so-called real fans weren't trying to figure out more ways for themselves to get fleeced. They were more interested in watching a ballgame than hanging out in a food court.
delatopia
11/11
Yeah, never mind the propaganda that tobacco companies fed smokers for decades. Asbestos filters, conspiracies to hide damaging scientific reports, and the entire advertising and entertainment industry's campaign to paint smokers as cool. Anyone who thinks that health campaigns to point out the damage of secondhand smoke are worse has not been paying attention, or is devoted to the principle of industry and profit above all.

No one's infringing on your rights and saying you can't smoke. You just can't smoke here.
eighteen
11/11
The "second-hand smoke is dangerous" crowd has zero credibility; but even though I'm a smoker I completely support smoking bans in bars, restaurants, and stadiums.

There'd be no need for these bans if most smokers weren't such completely insensitive jerks about their habit. And having a "No Smoking" section in a restaurant is like having a "No Peeing" section in a swimming pool. People who aren't addicted to inhaling tobacco smoke through paper tubes shouldn't have to breathe it or smell it just because someone who is can't control himself for a couple hours.
rawagman
11/11
Falafel, please!
jonjacoby
11/11
Could we dip the Slim-jims into the Communal Cheese?
Also I'm calling dibs on "Communal Cheese" for my Fantasy Baseball team name for 2012.